2011 Academy Awards: The Faster Times Live Blog

It’s time for the 2011 Academy Awards, baby.

And since we (I) at the Faster Times find ourselves (me) incredibly witty and knowledgeable in all things entertainment, we (I) will be treating you, dear readers, to a live-blog of the biggest night in Hollywood (Joan Rivers ain’t got shit on us!). James Franco and Anne Hathaway are hosting, which makes this already the most attractive-looking Oscars ever, and once again, there are 10 Best Picture nominees, which means we’ll probably be here at least an hour long that is necessary. But, as Omar Little would say, “all in the game, baby.”

By the way, the hell with that red carpet nonsense; I will sum it up thusly: Scarlett Johansson is blindingly attractive; James Franco is a well-dressed oddball with dimples; Trent Reznor is terrifying, and at least fifteen people will walk past Best Supporting Actor nominee/That Guy Hall of Famer John Hawkes without looking twice because they think he’s a particularly malnourished busboy. Wham.

Now that that’s settled, tune in at 8:30pm sharp, and let the freaking festivities begin!

Update: I have a sidekick! My partner in crime for this evening will be Faster Times writer Lucia Brizzi. As Al Pacino might say: HOO-AH!!!

Update: I lied. Lucia is covering the Red Carpet. I’ll be chipping in with bits of mockery here and there. Follow her blog here, then come back at 8:30 for the big show.

Anthony Benigno 8:30: We are LIVE at the Kodak theater, baby. Sandra Bullock is drunk, James Franco is high, and for the next three and a half hours I will be neglecting my duties as a son, boyfriend and general human being to bring you every minute of the 2011 Academy Awards. So you better freakin’ enjoy it. Joining me is Luca Brizzi.

Lucia Brizzi 8:30: Hey Anthony! I have butterflies of anticipation

AB 8:30: Opening montage of all the Best Picture nominees, set to Reznor’s cover of “In the Hall of the Moutnain King” from Social Network. I’m jacked up right now, someone find me a brick wall to run though.

AB 8:33: Opening skit. Frano and Hathaway are incepting Alec Baldwin. His dreams are all other movies.

LB 8:33: My brain hurts.

AB 8:34: First Tron joke of the night. Probably not the last. Also Morgan Freeman is narrating this insanity. Same as it ever was.

LB 8:34: Morgan Freeman is everyone’s warm grandfather.

AB 8:34: Franco’s bulge was obscene in that Black Swan skit. I feel kind of uncomfortable.

AB 8:36: EIGHTY EIGHT MILES PER HOURRRRRRRRR!!!!!

AB: 8:37: Hathaway’s changed dresses for the opening monologue. I liked the red one better, but homegirl could pull off a paper bag. And that’s my fashionisto moment for the night.

LB 8:38: Im bracing myself for how many time Ill hear “anne Hathaway looks sooo beautiful” tonight. I get it!

AB 8:39: Someone totally mumbled “hear hear” when Hathaway made a joke about getting naked in order to be nominated.

AB 8:40: Hathaway’s mom just pointed out Spielberg. I saw him at a Springsteen concert once; he was rocking the white man dance to “Dancing in the Dark.”

LB 8:40: I love Franco’s grandma!

AB 8:41: Just laughed out loud at Hathaway’s “Lesbian!!!” running gag.

LB 8:42: Gone With the Wind montage=FILLER.

AB 8:42: Whoa, no Supporting Actor to kick it off? Tom Hanks with the subversion.

LB 8:42: Tom Hanks should talk to Nicole about restiline shots. Kidman that is.

LB 8:44: Titanic makes me weepy just thinking about it.

AB 8:44: OK here’s Art Direction: Nominees=Alice in Wonderland, Harry Potter, Inception, King’s Speech, True Grit. I have King’s Speech for the first of many wins.

AB 8:45: Alice wins. And I totally thought they just announced Catherine O’Hara’s name as a winner. That would have been a great speech, although this guy’s fat joke is kinda good too.

LB 8:46: Amen wishing he’d lost 20 pounds.

AB 8:46: Harsh. This dude just put a hat on the Oscar’s head. Someone came prepared; good thing the lady didn’t want to speak.

AB 8:46: Here’s cinematography. Black Swan, Inception, King’s Speech, Social Network, True Grit. Inception wins. BOOYAKA!

LB 8:47: Even the word “Inception” hurts my brain.

AB 8:47: This guy just cut off his own applause? With the line “You’re takin’ up my time”!?! Wally=my new favorite acceptance speech.

LB 8:49: JCPENNY is spending soo much money this year. Too bad they will always be JCPenny.

AB 8:50: I was raised a Marshall’s man.

AB 8:51: Kirk Douglas is up. My mother just texted me “uh-oh.” I’m resisting the urge to yell I! AM! SPARTACUS!!!!!

AB 8:52: Kirk can’t speak AT ALL and yet he manages to articulate that Anne Hathaway is smokin’. Attaboy.

LB 8:52: Look at them earlobes! Run Annie!

AB 8:52: Supporting Actress is a go. Amy Adams vs. Helena Bonham Carter vs. Jackie Weaver vs. Melissa Leo vs. Hailee Steinfeld. Melissa Leo looks 100 times better in real life than in The Fighter.

AB 8:55: God help us, Kirk has to announce the winner. But he’s pretty awesome for riffing on Hugh Jackman and Colin Firth.

LB 8:57: So much suspense!

AB 8:57: He’s rambling on and absolutely hilarious. Melissa Leo wins. Totally deserved, but I was pulling for Hailee Steinfeld.

AB 8:58: Kirk just told Melissa Leo she’s hot too. The guy chooses his audible words carefully, I’ll give him that. The stage hand or whatever finally pops out to hustle his horny ass to the back.

AB 8:59: Melissa Leo is having a great speech. Really genuine. My girlfriend says It’s nice when they just enjoy it; she’s right. I just like when they curse, like Melissa just did. #WHAM

AB 9:00: Text 2 from my mom. She thinks Melissa Leo is tedious. And I’m obligated by Italian law to agree with her despite everything I just said.

AB 9:01: Franco is speechless.

AB 9:01: Timberlake and Kunis on the same stage together. I’m swooning.

AB 9:02: Best animated short. Day & Night vs. The Gruffalo vs. Let’s Pollute vs. The Lost Thing vs. Madagascar: Carnet de Voyage.

AB 9:03: Timberlake made a joke about Kirk Douglas’ “you know…” ramblings. We’ll see if he’s laughing after Kirk seduces his girlfriend right in front of him. You know he’ll do it, JT.

AB 9:04: The Lost Thing wins. The filmmaker says winning a movie about something that never gets noticed is “ironic.” I think you mean “coincidental,” bro.

LB 9:05: Look at these guys winning an Oscar for short animated film! He is so short! And the tall guy loves his wife. Lovely.

AB 9:05: First “Get Your Candy Ass Off The Stage” musical interlude!

AB 9:06: Animated Feature. How to Train Your Dragon (PHENOMENAL movie), The Illusionist (looks weird), Toy Story 3. Seems a foregone conclusion.

AB 9:06: Toy Story FTW. I’m shocked. Shocked, I say.

LB 9:06: Toy Story 3! My three year old friend Noah is have a Toy Story III birthday pizza party! Shout out to the coolest dud I know. Oo wait that was for his dream wedding! Even better!

AB 9:07: Lee Unkrich says he can’t believe he’s thanking the Academy for this win. Dude, nobody is surprised. This category was basically invented for Pixar movies.

AB 9:11: I just YELLED “Awww!!!!” at the top of my lungs at that cat commercial. Slightly ashamed right here.

LB 9:12: Anne is so smitten with Old Hollywood.

LB 9:13: Bardem is terrifying. Just me?

AB 9:13: Bardem and Brolin are dressed like Rain Man.

AB 9:13: Adapted Screenplay: 127 Hours, Social Network, Toy Story 3, True Grit, Winter’s Bone. Come onnnn, Sorkin!!!

AB 9:14: SORKINNNNNNN!!!!!!! HOOOO-AAHHHHHH!!!!! The orchestra version of “Hand Covers Bruise” sounds AMAZING, by the way. His acceptance speech is kinda bland for such a great writer.

LB 9:14: Sorkin well deserved. Hair wierd. Zuckerberg looks quite contemplative as per usual

AB 9:16: And here comes the GYCAOTS music. He’s not stopping.

AB 9:16: The violinist is HAMMERING that last note. Sorkin wipes a monkey’s ass with the time limit.

LB 9:16: Give the dude time to talk. They dont want writers on stage too long- bad for ratings

AB 9:17: Original screenplay: Another Year vs. The Fighter vs. Inception vs. Kids Are All Right vs. King’s Speech.

AB 9:18: David Seidler for The King’s Speech upsets Inception. I call bullshit.

Ab 9:19 This guy is funny though.

AB 9:20: This guy’s story is actually kind of amazing. He had a stammer as a child and idolized the King for overcoming his; he asked the Queen Mum for permission to make it into a movie, she said not until she was dead, he got sick and did it anyway and found Lionel Logue’s (Geoffrey Rush’s character’s) grandson, who donated Logue’s notebooks to help with the script. I think that’s it, Wikipedia is only so reliable. In any case, good for him. Even if Inception should have won.

AB 9:20: BTW, is this the first step towards King’s Speech‘s Best Picture win? I think so.

LB 9:20: Stutterers have been heard. Over and over again by the syllable

AB 9:21: Yeesh.

AB 9:23: Anne Hathaway is singing Les Miserables. What a great voice, but those shoes are really freaking distracting. The premise is Hugh Jackman was supposed to duet with her but he bailed. Wolverine is getting shit on tonight, dude!

LB 9:24: Nice transvestite heels.

AB 9:25: Speaking of which, here’s Franco in a Marilyn Monroe getup making Charlie Sheen jokes. Hathaway can’t speak she’s laughing so hard. I’m just speechless.

AB 9:26: Russell Brand and Helen Mirren speaking in a French accent. Brand trying to start beef between Mirren (The Queen) and Colin Firth (The King). Heh. Best Foreign Film: Biutiful vs. Dogtooth vs. In a Better World vs. Incendies vs. Outside the Law.

AB 9:27: In a Better World wins. Hooray for Denmark?

AB 9:28: This woman tried to steal Melissa Leo’s “Is this a real Oscar?” bit. Nice try, but no dice.

AB 9:29: Reese Witherspoon to present Supporting Actor. Christian Bale vs. John Hawkes (I totally knew who he was years ago; THIS IS MY BANDWAGON) vs. Jeremy Renner vs. Mark Ruffalo vs. Geoffrey Rush.

AB 9:32: Christian Bale and his beard win. This should be fun.

AB 9:33: Wow. Totally sincere, no screaming, no lunacy; he even makes fun of himself! And hey, Dickie Eklund’s here; Bale shouted out his website! Bromance of the night? I think so.

LB 9:34: With all the weight he’s lost and gained about time he got an Oscar! Such a cute accent. Tres Billy Elliot.

AB 9:34: AH JUST WANNA DANCE AT THE BALLET!

AB 9:34: Bale’s dragging on a bit, but I think they’re a little afraid to hit him with the music. He tears up when he mentions his wife and then he’s off. Class act all the way.

AB 9:36: It’s so cool that Coach from Friday Night Lights is in JJ Abrams’ new movie, but I’d like it more if I knew what the damn thing was about.

AB 9:38: Here comes the Academy President. Like a shot of Lunesta straight to the heart, this guy.

AB 9:40: Holy crap, he’s gone! That was quick!

LB 9:40: Nicole wants Jackman to stop eyeing Anne. She’s not ready to be the older actress. Just ask her surgeon!

AB 9:42: Original Score, with the orchestra pitching in. How to Train Your Dragon vs. King’s Speech vs. Social Network (REZNOOORRRRRR) vs. 127 Hours (the winner any other year) vs. Inception (or maybe that was…). Reznor with the win. He terrifies me, but this score was beautiful.

LB 9:42: Well won Trent Reznor. Never heard of you until now, but everyone around me is excited.

LB 9:44: No one else can say they are “humbled beyond words”. Find them. It’s your job.

AB 9:45: Dude, he’s the singer for Nine Inch Nails. And he was very nice. As was Atticus Ross. Although Trent is now the 3rd person to ask if this is really happening. Oy vey.

AB 9:46: McConaughey and Scarlett to present Sound Mixing. Inception vs. King’s Speech vs. Salt (no idea what happened in that movie, BTW) vs. Social Network vs. True Grit.

LB 9:46: Scarlett fever. Thats what they should call what happens when people look at her.

AB 9:47: Inception wins. Called it. Also, totally with you on Scarlett Fever. My GF is giving me the evil eye as we speak.

LB 9:48: have no thoughts on boom operators. Important job, no doubt, but no thoughts.

AB 9:48: What’s the over-under on how many shout-outs Christopher Nolan gets as consolation for his snub? We’re at 3 right now. McC and ScarJo are back for Sound Editing. Inception vs. Toy Story 3 vs. Tron: Legacy vs. True Grit vs. Unstoppable. Inception wins again.

LB 9:49: Inception‘s Richard King for sound editing. Dry speech. Editors….

AB 9:50: Nolan gets another shout-out. I’m relatively sure it’s a plan to passive-aggressively bitch at the Academy for snubbing him over and over again. And I’m all for it.

AB 9:54: Marisa Tomei is up. Oh yeah. You blend. She was the token Hot Actress Who Presented The Nerd Oscars this year. Thank God Scarlett got a break this year.

LB 9:54: My mom says Marisa Tomei is rude. Just saying.

AB 9:55: Cate Blanchett doing costume design. Her dress looks like a game of Brick Breaker. Barney’s Version vs. The Way Back vs. The Wolfman. Rick Baker wins it for The Wolfman. I’m oddly obsessed with that movie, which is weird because it’s absolutely awful.

LB 9:55: Cate Blanchet says The Wolfman is gross. Truth. OMG and the makeup designer is gross-er! Long grey pony tale! Nightmares tonight for sure!

AB 9:57: Harsh words for Rick Baker there. Costume Design now. Alice in Wonderland vs. I Am Love vs. King’s Speech vs. The Tempest vs. True Grit. I have King’s Speech. Alice takes it.

AB 10:00: This woman is READING her speech?? No no no no no, this is all wrong, dammit! The GYCAOTS music hits, and not a moment too soon.

LB 10:00: This is like when kids read Shakespeare out loud in lit class. All the emotional gravity of moment lost.

AB 10:02: Kevin Spacey is here to present the performances, but not award, for Original Song.

AB 10:03: Randy Newman sings his song from Toy Story 3, “We Belong Together.” It sounds great. I have this down to win, although I think Dido (127 Hours) can upset. Definitely downloading this one in about five minutes.

AB 10:04: Mandy Moore and Chuck Bartowski do the song from Tangled. It’s very Disney-ish, but they have great voices. She looks absolutely stunning, but Zachary Levi’s spray tan distracts me from everything else in life. In other news, I just said out loud that Mandy Moore was hot and got another death stare. Gulp.

LB 10:06: Fake earnest singing. Eww.

AB 10:11: Shout out to Olivia and Al. Thanks for reading. Amy Adams and Jake Gyllenhaal onstage. I swoon again. Gyllenhaal speaks truth when he mentions short movies are the most difficult pick in your Oscar ballot.

LB 10:11: OMGOD I want jake Gylenhal. Can someone in the internet universe help me???

LB 10:13: Bad neckline Amy. Show a lil something for the people of America

AB 10:13: I’d say hear hear but I’m afraid for my life. Documentary short. Killing in the Name vs. Poster Girl vs. Strangers No More vs. Sun Come Up vs. Warriors of Qiugang. Strangers No More takes it. That’s the last time I pick a movie just because it has the same name as a Rage Against the Machine song.

LB 10:13: Documentary short goes to Strangers No More. Her voice whines, “Im a librarian” but I bet shes really smart and selfless.

AB 10:14: This guy just said “Gratitude” instead of thank you. I! AM! SPARTACUS!!!!!!!

AB 10:14: Live action short: The Confession vs. The Crush vs. God of Love vs. Naweme vs. Wish 143 (which looks horrendously depressing). God of Love FTW. Good God, look at that ‘fro.

AB 10:17: Franco shouts out NYU. They’re Auto-Tuning bits of the nominated films into songs. It’s catchy as hell, and reminds me entirely of Antoine Dodson. Highlight=”He Doesn’t Own a Shirt” from Eclipse.

LB 10:20: Autotune the Harry Potter. brill!!

AB 10:20: Oprah’s onstage. Text 3 from Mom: “Moo.” Oof.

LB 10:20: Oprah’s gonna put stuff under everyones chairs!

AB 10:21: Inside Job upsets Banksy for Documentary Feature. Not surprising. The second the Academy catches wind you may show up in a gorilla suit, you’re kinda screwed.

AB 10:22: This guy starts by bashing the Wall Street fat cats, and the woman continues by saying “Gratitude.” I! AM! SPARTACUS!!!!

LB 10:22: Glad no win for Josh Fox. He had sexual relations with a lot of my friends at the same time.

AB 10:23: (Speechless)

AB 10:27: BILLY CRYSTAL!!! Man, I loved him in Tooth Fairy. It’s not every Jewish comedian who can spray The Great One with fairy dust and live to tell about it.

LB 10:28: My dad always says- ugly ppl age well bc they never get any uglier. True for Billy Crystal.

AB 10:29: Man, Billy loves Bob Hope. Also Text 4 from mom: “Billy Crystal: combo Jewfro, mullet, bad dye job.” She’s on a roll, folks!

AB 10:30: Hope introduces RDJ and Jude Law from beyond the grave. to present Special Effects. They’re dressed like Rain Man, too. Jude knocks him for being a crackhead, and RDJ takes it in stride. He’s funny.

LB 10:30: Jude and Downey are fighting over me in my dreams.

AB 10:34: Understandable. Alice vs. Harry Potter vs. Hereafter vs. Inception vs. Iron Man 2 for SFX. Inception wins. Wham.

AB 10:35: Best Editing. Black Swan vs. The Fighter vs. King’s Speech vs. Social Network vs. 127 Hours. I’d have said Inception or 127Hrs. Also, text 5 from Mom. She’s threatening to kill me if I keep posting her funny jokes. I have beautiful women opposing me on all sides. It’s tough being me.

AB 10:36: Bro hug!

AB 10:35: Another “indescribable” comment. TRY.

AB 10:41: Franco twists How to Train Your Dragon into a sexual innuendo. How did I not think of that. Hathaway on her 3rd dress of the night. Gorgeous. Luckily, the GF agrees and so I get to live. Here’s Jennifer Hudson to present the last 2 Original Song performers.

LB 10:42: Jennifer looks amazing. Now shes really part of the cliche and not just a token overwieght actress.

AB 10:42: DIido sings “If I Rise” from 127 Hours. Beautiful. Next is Gwyneth Paltrow with “Coming Home.” Please God let there be Muppets.

AB 10:44: Wow, Gwyneth is not sounding good right now. At ALL. Also, Text 6 from my mom. She hated “If I Rise.” I always said that song sucked.

LB 10:44: Paltrow singing super hard. Shes got that working hard face. lots of brow crunching action.

AB 10:46: Hudson presents the award. Randy Newman wins. It’s the law of Oscar. Text 7 from mom: she says Gwyneth stunk up the room. And she looooves Gwyneth.

AB 10:47: Randy Newman is talking like he sings. It’s baffling. But he’s very, very funny.

LB 10:47: He wants to be good television but he sounds like the lonely dad who wont stop talking when you go to your friends’ parents house.

AB 10:51: YES, another Modern Family commercial! Great show.

LB 10:52: Celine Dion is alive! I had no idea!

AB 10:52: Nah, she’s just been in Vegas. Ironically enough, she’s doing the In Memoriam montage, setting it to “Smile.” Or, as she sings it, “Shmile.” Also, Is it bad that I’ll always remember Pete Postlethwaite as the monk in Dragonheart and the hunter in The Lost World? My memories from when I was 8 are powerful ones, what can I say?

LB 10:54: Every dead person ever. Let no one I love end up in a Celine Dion underscored slide show.

AB 10:55: Agreed. A lot of people went this year. Holy cow.

AB 10:56: Halle Berry just said “prayed the price” instead of “played the price.”

LB 10:56: Remember when Haliie Berry wore her thong out at an awards show? Think it was summer of Sisco.

LB 10:56: Reminiscing is another way of saying “we’ve got nothing to give you.”

AB 10:58: My friend Ali has just notified me that Halle Berry was supposed to say “PAID the price,” not “played the price.” Regardless, she screwed it up as “played the price.” Not that I helped.

AB 11:01: Hathaway in Dress Number 4, which she evidently raided from Eddie Murphy’s closet circa 1984.

LB 11:01: Love the dress, Anne. Hillary Swank still looks like a boxer.

AB 11:02: Hillary Swank presents Kathryn Bigelow to present Best Director. Here we go. David O. Russell vs. Coens vs. David Fincher vs. Tom Hooper vs. Darren Aronofsky.

AB 11:02: Hooper wins. And that’s all she wrote for The Social Network. Mark it down. Although he did just refer to himself, Firth and Rush as a “Triangle of Man-Love.” The Dude abides.

LB 11:02: Triangle of Man-Love reference! Classic.

AB 11:05: Hooper ends his speech with “listen to your mother.” Right on cue, Text 8 from Mom. It’s her favorite speech. I’m inclined to agree.

AB 11:05: My friend Ali calls Coppola, Wallach and the other guy a walking geriatric ward. Yowch.

AB 11:11: Here’s Jeff Bridges to present Best Actress. Annette Bening (The Kids Are All Right) vs. Nicole Kidman (Rabbit Hole) vs. Jennifer Lawrence (yowza) (Winter’s Bone) vs. Natalie Portman (super-duper preggo) (Black Swan) vs. Michelle Williams (Blue Valentine).

AB 11:16: Natalie Portman wins. Her baby glow is stunning. Very sincere speech, if a wee bit long. Luc Besson just got a shout out! Wow, what were the odds on that?

AB 11:20: Natalie Portman literally just thanked everyone, ever. Sandra Bullock presents Best Actor. Javier Bardem (Biutiful) vs. Jeff Bridges — who she awesomely addresses as “Dude” (True Grit) vs. Jesse Eisenberg (The Social Network) vs. Colin Firth (The King’s Speech) vs. James Franco (127 Hours).

AB 11:25: Colin Firth takes it, understandably so. And he’s very witty, as all Brits supposedly are. He’s apparently struggling not to dance.

LB 11:28: Thank you to the British for once again representing with the tight lipped humor.

AB 11:33: Look, Anne Hathaway changed her dress again! Shocker. This one is glittery and not that flattering, but it is the greatest cleavage accentuation of all time. Spielberg comes to do a speech, and he’s right, even just getting nominated for Best Picture gives you some swag. Against the backdrop of Colin Firth’s final speech we get a super sad montage of all the nominees For the record: Black Swan vs. The Fighter vs. Inception vs. The Kids Are All Right vs. The King’s Speech vs. 127 Hours vs. The Social Network vs. True Grit vs. Winter’s Bone.

LB 11:33: Movie motages confuse me. What do Woody, Leo, Adams, Franco, and Steinfeld have in common? Firth’s speech underscoring them i suppose…

AB 11:33: Did I mention Firth’s speech is narrating this? 3 guesses as to what’s winning.

AB 11:35: All hail The King’s Speech. If I had picked that over my blind love for The Social Network I’d have won my ballot. Oh well. Everyone and their mum is onstage.

LB 11:36: The Engish are back! Better not start some taxation without represetnation shit.

AB 11:38: That bald dude just bitched out the GYCAOTS music.

AB 11:39: The PS 22 kids’ chorus from Staten Island comes out to sing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” with all the winners gathered in the background. Melissa Leo is BELTING it out. Treacly? Yes. Sentimental? You bet your ass. Doesn’t mean it wasn’t a great moment, though.

LB 11:41: An adorable closing ! I want all those children!

AB 11:41: And that, as they say, is that. I’m going back to rejoin society now, but this was fun, despite the fact I’m relatively sure I somehow forgot Best Cinematography. I’d give my own thank you speech, but the ending credits are playing me off my computer. My own version of the GYCAOTS music. Anyway, goodnight folks! Thanks to RL, AJ, JL, OM, and AR. And yes, love ya mom. Please don’t kill me. Thanks Lucia!

LB 11:42: Goodnight Anthony! Pleasure bloggin’ with you <3

AB 11:43: Same here. The ending montage just hit the “Chariots of Fire” theme song. Cue my majestic, slow-motion exit into the sunset.

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