NYC Prep, Design Edition: Sebastian

Part deux in a series.

Sebastian, Sebastian, Sebastian. TFT’s own Rachel Shukert, in her “Not That You Asked: Ruth Madoff Edition,” taught me the simple, ineffable joy of typing the name of one for whom you can—patronizingly, falsely, deliciously—feel sorry. It’s a temptation I’m giving into willingly, just like having to pop for the new Tony Duquette textile collection for Jim Thompson. What could be sexier than a malachite print cascading from the crown molding, the late afternoon sunlight playing with the curtains and promising cocktails. Nothing! But really, that’s more PC than Sebastian. And speaking thereof: Sebastian. Sebastian. Sebastian.

I know you. We all know you. Anybody older than twenty-two with one ounce of perspective, two jiggers of intuition, and a bold shot of memory knows you. The nameless dirty blond underclassman brah in the Cool chorus, not a featured player, not up for a starring role, but on the periphery of cute, of The Crowd, of actually having sex. Being so close (and yet so, so, SO far) puts you in danger of being not just a major finial (dec arts for dickhead) but a bully as well. You’re as much in danger of succumbing to the mob as to your hormones.

Don’t do it, Seb! You’re at a crossroads, you need to find some character. You need to hunker down and explore you and the interests you claim to have. You like France and la langue française? Learn more about both, and le style français as well. Suzan Fellman, our NYC Prep design clairvoyant, will help, she’ll even mix it up a little to keep the décor fresh and interesting. For you, she’s been charged with finding all of your new-found personality accoutrements on 1stdibs.com, an online decorative arts, jewelry and vintage couture emporium that now outsells all the major auction houses combined in the mid-century realm.

So listen to Suzan. She might not be able to fill the void that is your randy soul, but she can make it fetching and very comfortable. Just don’t paw her. And who knows? With the right pieces, you might just build a pair of boules, my boy.

Hello, Sebastian: It’s your sassy design guru. I think Andrew was way hard on you. He’s jealous (I can tell). Nonetheless, lots of people do seem to think you’re a bore, and that your whole M.O. is your libido.

I prefer to view you as inchoate, which at 16 years old is exactly what you should be. I recently became the owner of a male cairn terrier. He’s called Fellman and you two have the exact same hair color. Is your nose cold too? The dog therapist (hey, I live in L.A.) tells me that Fellman is maturing very well and feels, increasingly, “fully realized” as a canine. If you follow my advice, you will too. Good boy!

1. Limed Natural Oak Dresser with Combed Oak Border by Paul Frankl, USA, 1940s

You need a dresser large enough and low enough to keep the room open, and this eight-drawer big boy is parfait for housing your many pairs of corduroys and V-necks, all in touchably soft fabrics. The lime wash on the oak is tailored, refined and timeless, and it frees you from having to learn the French words for polishing or dusting (qu’est-ce que c’est?).

2. Renzo Rutuli for Johnson Furniture King-sized Headboard, United States, 1950s

Great piece, as it is a bedroom “to go.” Plus it packs a big design wallop into a compact, uh, package (if that’s the, uh, proper estimation … and I think it is). The top ledge can act as the library to hold the weighty, impressive amount of white dust jacketed books, plus there’s no need for bedside tables as the built in cabinets would render them superfluous. And because they’re hidden they’re perfect for your accoutrements: wine opener, condoms, mints, and your French love note cheat sheets. As far as the mattress, everybody knows you’re a waterbed type-o-guy, so although you’re in Nueva York, your beach surf boy flava is the way to go. Remember, they surf in Biarritz too (whether they do it well is another question entirely). Think of this as your signature, the je ne sais quoi that all your gals can take home with them: the memory of the motion. Moving on to brass tacks, I would custom build your side rails to match the Renzo Rutuli headboard.

3. Dramatic Pair of Italian Woven Leather “Mummy Chairs,” Italy, 1970s

Again, no dusting or dealing with pillows and cushions. These chairs can turn you on privately, with or without attire. Plus they’re great conversation starters (and let’s face it: talking ain’t your strong suit), something that could work with a comely female guest, a career counselor or a parole officer.

Or (and never say I was too controlling in our relationship), a Pair of Vintage le Corbusier Chairs, France, 1960. Oh so French, oh so manly, oh so classic, oh so ooooh-la-la. Go for the cognac leather. Cognac = Ralph Lauren (your lodestar); Black = early 1980s (not the period for your hair, which is too fine for a good Mohawk).

4. Pair of Stilnovo Brass and Black Enamel Sconces, Italy, 1950s

I like the simplicity of these for you. No hassle in finding the switch and banging into a lampshade—it is all right there! And you can use them as a spotlight for midnight madness language lessons.

5. Leather and Brass Mirror Jacques Adnet, France, 1950s

Sebastian, you’re all about your hair. You know it. We know it. David Cassidy knows it. So really, you don’t need a floor-length mirror. It’s been done. Instead, try this on for modest size. You can see your locks, and it’s a superb piece you can take with you anywhere, almost like a supersized pocket watch.

6. The Louvre? The Mona Lisa? Baby, you need some new material. Sure, it charmed ‘em in the eighth grade, and was light years beyond the elementary school kidlets, but come on. Still, your instincts are good. We girls do like art. So I’m going to throw you a bone—and a damn good piece.

It’s a photograph by Massimo Vitali from the Bonni Benrubi Gallery. See the couple canoodling in the foreground? Water, skin, friction. Hang it opposite the waterbed, and you’ll get the picture.