Should I Make a Sex Tape? How to Weigh the Pros & Cons

Dear Watson is The Faster Times’ weekly advice column. To contact Watson anonymously, write to watson@thefastertimes.com

Dear Watson,

I was hoping you could weigh in on a question I’ve been afraid to put to my friends. I’ve been dating this guy for four months now and everything’s going amazingly well — no “but”; everything’s going amazingly well! — and he suggested that we make a sex tape. I’ve never made one before and I had to think about it, but it only took me like ten seconds to realize I’m totally into it. My only concern was that I’d be self-conscious in front of a camera. But I think I can get around that (I suggested that he make it without telling me and then show me immediately after) and I’m really itching to give him the go-ahead.

I mentioned all this to my best friend while we were having drinks the other night, just because I was so excited, and she had a huge averse reaction that I completely didn’t expect. It turns out she made a sex tape herself in college once and has spent the last five years trying to get it off the internet, because her ex turned out to be a huge dick. (No idea why this never came up before btw. I guess she didn’t want me to google it.) I told her that my bf was nothing like her ex, but she got this look on her face and told me that they all seem like nice guys until they aren’t, and that sex tapes are never a good idea no matter how much you trust someone.

It’s true that I’ve only been with this guy for a few months. But I also know her ex from college, and I wouldn’t have trusted him as far as I could throw him anyway, no matter what he said, and I do trust my new bf. Plus I think there’s something sick about how women are so phobic of these things, but men never seem to worry about them, and I just can’t see myself caring about the opinion of anyone who holds the fact that I’ve had (amazing) sex in the past against me. Then again, I wouldn’t want any old rando/coworker to be able to google my orgasm sounds, and my own dating experience does confirm her point that basically anyone can turn out to be nuts, especially if you dump them. But the trust thing is part of what makes it so ***king hot!! So should I take the leap?

- Video killed the radio star

Dear Video,

Here we go again. As an advice columnist I’m basically ethically obligated to say that sex tapes are always a bad idea. (I may even be legally obligated; I’d have to check). And it’s true, objectively. It’s universally acknowledged that the risks of taping are high, and the benefits are low. Getting your rocks off for a few minutes isn’t worth taking the chance that you could end up with a possibly-permanent problem like your friend’s. The logic is the same as that of using a condom. Safe sex = undocumented sex.

The problem is, I don’t really believe that. I think there are benefits that that logic doesn’t account for. Or to put it another way, I think there are risks to not making a sex tape that aren’t immediately obvious.

You yourself said that your best friend’s logic is “basically anyone can turn out to be nuts,” so you shouldn’t ever really trust anyone. (The fact that she never shared her sex tape experience with you speaks to that too.) And that makes sense. But can you imagine really living that way? Can you imagine starting a relationship with that worldview? Or with someone else who felt that way?

To put it another way, even if your friend gets her sex tape off the internet, if her ex manages to make her feel that she can’t trust anyone else with her body and her confidences, the dickheads have still won. In fact, I would venture to assert that even if the worst happens, the shittiness of the situation won’t suck as much as it would suck to spending your whole life never trusting people. Because that would mean never having real friends. It would mean giving up on ever feeling loved.

I’m not saying that you have to love the guy in order to justify making a sex tape, and I’m certainly not saying that you shouldn’t be savvy and careful,. (E.g., you might want to consider keeping a copy.) But your ability to trust people, to make yourself vulnerable, might be the most valuable thing you have. Don’t give it up if you can help it.

-Watson