Love Is A Gamble: Group Sex on the Brain

Dear Addy,

I’m in a long-term, long distance relationship. Until we can be together in one city again, my boyfriend and I have an open relationship. He has made some friends with benefits in the last year, but I haven’t found anyone and have had other things to occupy my time.

One of his friends with benefits is married. I met the couple at dinner about 6 months ago, and they later both expressed interest in a play session with me (and my boyfriend, but mostly me). I’m intrigued by this idea, but I’ve never been involved in one of these before. What should I know before going into this? Is it OK if I do a little drinking beforehand to ward off nerves?

Sincerely,

Totally Having Exciting Thoughts In The Shower

Dear THE TITS,

Fear not, young adventurous lass, I am still here! You can rest easy knowing that my cross-country move went smoothly. By the way, did you know that it’s been 85 degrees and sunny all week in Los Angeles? FYI: It’s pretty sweet.

Now, onto the issue at hand: Foursomes! (Man, you guys and your group sex questions…)

For those of you that consider yourselves fans of Love Is A Gamble (ha!) you’ll remember that a few weeks* ago I advised a gentleman interested in group sex to keep his pants zipped to avoid becoming entangled in a potentially friendship-damaging situation.

This case, however, is an entirely different box of peaches.

Here is what I’ve gathered from your inquiry, TITS: You and your boyfriend have a clearly established set of boundaries. (Props for that, by the way. Personal experience has taught me that long-distance relationships rarely survive unless both partners get around to addressing the difficulty of scratching their itches.)

I’m also not detecting any notes of jealousy or pressure to engage in an arrangement that doesn’t work for you. The couple that you’re interested in playing with has (1) already come to their own boundary agreements and (2) already (presumably) has some sexual chemistry with your boyfriend. It also doesn’t hurt that they’re laying it on thick trying to woo you. It’s always fun to realize that somebody wants your shit.

It sounds like the primary ingredient in this party soup is Fun, which is exactly what sex should be. (Whether you’re a group of two or a group of twelve.)

Now that we’ve satisfied the Ethics Fairy, let’s address your other questions. Is there anything that you should know about group sex? Sure. I won’t try to summarize an entire Internet subculture in one column, but there are a few issues that might come up:

1. Have a discussion with your boyfriend (and the other couple) about what’s allowed and what’s not allowed.

This is the only hard and fast rule I have for you, TITS. I’m sure your guy has his own idea about how this will play out, so make sure to enunciate your deal-breakers before the clothes come off.

2. Don’t be surprised if it’s not the end-all-be-all amazing Fuck Fest you had imagined.

Group sex can be chaotic. All those limbs and naughty bits and pieces in desperate need of attention. There’s a lot of repositioning, and the sheer mechanics of it can be exhausting. Then there’s the issue of who’s come and who hasn’t, who’s hard and who needs a rest, and the simple logistical problem of finding the moves that get a new partner off.

I’m friends with a Very Happy Couple who enjoy swinging and here’s what I’ve deduced from their stories: Hooking up with other couples turns them on a lot, but at the end of the day, they love going home to an empty bed where they can relive their sexy transgressions without the hassle of another set of balls hanging over their faces.

What I’m saying is: The group thing might be good, but the one-on-one afterward might be even better.

So go, explore that uncharted territory and plant your flag wherever you see fit. And feel free to have a couple glasses of wine to get your cylinders firing. Just try not to get too messy. It’s called social lubricant for a reason: A little bit is fine to help the process along, but use too much and you wind up losing all feeling.

What say you, readers? Do you have any useful group sex advice for all the newbs out there? Hit up the comments section with your finest war stories.

If you have a sexy question for Love Is A Gamble, send an email to loveisagambleTFT@gmail.com

*–Okay, months.

Addy Litfin is totally unqualified to be doling out wisdom. The best piece of advice anyone has ever given her is, “You can’t tell anybody anything.” Like all good poker players, she relies primarily ...read more

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