72 days?

7 years?

40 years?

How long is long enough to file for divorce in the court of public opinion and not hear that you didn’t try hard enough to save your marriage? That you’re what’s wrong with the culture today: people give up too easily and don’t want to put in the hard work that marriage requires, and presumably, rewards? Or that because you’ve managed to stay married for as long as you have, you might as well just stick it out? If only for the fact that you have kids?

The above numbers, for Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, Heidi Klum and Seal, and Al and Tipper Gore, respectively, have been central to the commentary on their decisions to divorce. How exactly does divorce math work for celebrity marriages? Let’s take a look:

If you’ve been married between 1 day and 9 years and 364 days, with no reports of infidelity, abuse, or drugs and alcohol problems, you may divorce in the court of public opinion once problems arise if you go to counseling 25 times and try to work things out but can’t. If TMZ is involved, you may subtract 24 counseling sessions.

If you’ve been married 10-14 years with no reports of infidelity, abuse, or drugs and alcohol problems, you may divorce in the court of public opinion at the very first sign of one of the aforementioned problems. Congratulations! You’ve earned it.

But…

If you’ve been married 15 or more years with no reports of infidelity, abuse, or drugs and alcohol problems, don’t worry. We’ll be there to support your widow or widower when you pass way.

If your last name is Kardashian…adjust for inflation.

It’s one thing to abhor that divorce and marriage are taken too lightly in our culture, and that people aren’t willing to push up their sleeves, do the work, and stay the course ’til death do them part. It’s one thing to lament that celebrities, and maybe even your cousin Lisa, trivialize marriage and want constant and instant gratification. It’s one thing to have our hearts go out to children whose parents are divorcing and wish things could be better and different for them. But it’s quite another to insist that individual couples have given up too easily when we don’t know the interior of their marriages. And for goodness’ sake, a press release does not reveal the interior of anyone’s marriage. To wit, here’s the statement Heidi Klum and Seal issued:

“While we have enjoyed seven very loving, loyal and happy years of marriage, after much soul-searching we have decided to separate. We have had the deepest respect for one another throughout our relationship and continue to love each other very much, but we have grown apart. This is an amicable process and protecting the well-being of our children remains our top priority, especially during this time of transition.”

Here’s my take on this press release as someone who is not a celebrity, but who is a divorced parent. First, for your children’s sake, you’re not going to make public the ugly details of your marital strife, if you can avoid it. You come up with a vague, public response, and you stick to it. If you choose to share details with your kids, either now or when they are older, that’s preferable to them finding things out via a Google search, or hearing stuff from your drunk auntie with no filter.

Seal and Heidi Klum’s statement reads to me like: 1) responsible parenting and responsible co-parenting, and 2) a pre-emptive media strike against the inevitable reports that will attribute salacious details about the marriage to unnamed “sources close to the couple.” This statement tells me nothing but that Seal and Heidi are trying to keep it classy. And kudos to them. I don’t believe this statement is a window into the heart of their relationship. It takes more than fidelity and love to sustain a marriage.

Further, things other than infidelity and abuse and drugs can unravel a marriage.

Some people have unrealistic, fairytale expectations going into marriage.

Not everyone marries with the intention of staying married until death.

Some people decide they should never have married in the first place, for whatever reason.

We allow for the fact that people marry for all sorts of reasons, so why is it so hard to believe that people would divorce for different reasons? There is no universal divorce standard. People say, “As long as he or she doesn’t _______________________, they should be able to work things out, especially after all these years, especially because they have kids.” But we have no business trying to fill in that blank for anyone’s relationship but our own.

Who gets to decide what the straw that broke the camel’s back should be when it comes to deciding if a marriage is salvageable or not? The people who are in that marriage.

And the rest of us? I say we recognize that we can’t say from the outside looking in who did and did not try hard enough. I say we give people who divorce with kids in the mix the benefit of the doubt: Knowing what a life-changing and traumatic experience divorce is for children, I want to believe that parents do what they can to avoid taking their kids through this wringer. Some don’t, but the “divorce is a selfish act” meme should be far more nuanced (see Lee Block on the subject) than it usually is. The divorced parents I know did not arrive at this decision without a lot of heartache.

We can bring all sorts of baggage and expectations and personality conflicts and compatibility issues and conflicting values and conflicting priorities into marriages. It’s a wonderful thing when marriages thrive despite the challenges. But some marriages don’t survive the ebb and the flow and the ups and downs, for all sorts of reasons. Who is to say how much work and trying is “enough”? I thought about why people conjecture and feel so strongly on this subject as it relates to complete strangers, and without knowing everyone’s motivation, I do wonder this: Do other people’s divorces make us nervous about our own relationships? The ones we’re in or the ones we hope to have in the future?

“OMG. Seal and Heidi renewed their vows every year. If they can’t make it…then what hope is there for me?”

And maybe “We let people divorce too easily in this country!” sometimes means, “I don’t want my partner to give up too easily and treat me and our marriage as disposable.”

These are very real concerns. Loving someone and vowing to spending the rest of your life with them is…complicated. Maybe the root of the “divorce problem” in our culture isn’t failure to wrestle with the decision to divorce long enough. Maybe it’s that we’re not wrestling with the decision to marry long enough.

The post Who Can Say If Heidi Klum and Seal Tried Hard Enough? Not Us appeared first on The Faster Times.

Emotional abuse of children during and after divorce proceedings is one of the most insidious and common problems we hear about from co-parents who contact us via CoParenting101.org. Emotional abuse is generally more difficult to prove than physical abuse, and family court judges and lawyers who have seen it all know that such charges can be slippery and easily thrown around by divorcing parents, without merit. To some extent, they expect embattled divorcing parents to make damning but ultimately unfounded accusations against each other in an attempt to emerge as the better parent and “win” in the divorce. (This is why children’s issues have no place in an arena that by definition seeks to identify a “win” and a “loser.” But that’s a different rant for a different day.) The result can be that accusations of emotional abuse are minimized, not thoroughly investigated, or dismissed outright.

So when accusations of emotional abuse do have merit, the parent making the charge may face an uphill battle to have his/her concerns about the children’s well-being taken seriously.

Narcissists are amongst those who emotionally abuse children during and after divorce. Narcissism is “the personality trait of egotism, vanity, conceit, or simple selfishness.” While Freud argued that “healthy narcissism” is essential to normal human development, high levels of narcissism are manifested pathologically as narcissistic personality disorder. While co-parents shouldn’t invest themselves in trying to diagnose their exes, understanding their personality traits or potential disorders can be useful in learning how to deal with them constructively and in ways that benefit the children.

Here’s an excerpt from an article that addresses how narcissists abuse children during and after divorce:

Narcissists will use people in whatever way is necessary to get what they want. This world view also applies to their children…During and after divorce, a narcissist’s emotional abuse of their children may seem more direct or blatant…

Narcissists are masters of lying. They will lie to their children and distort reality the same as they do to everyone else. Often, narcissists will sacrifice their children’s well-being in an attempt to save face. This leaves the children feeling confused and unsure of their own reality and judgment. Narcissists will ask their children to lie for them, keep secrets and to spy on the other parent.

Narcissistic parents do not respect their children’s desires. They may make promises to the children in order to gain compliance from the child, then refuse to honor the promises. Children may miss out on birthday parties, sporting events or other activities important to them in order to accommodate the narcissistic parent’s wishes. The children soon learn that what they want is not important when with the narcissistic parent…

It may seem excessive or restraining but in the long run…written agreements will often be easier than constantly renegotiating with an unreliable and emotionally abusive former spouse.

Divorce is never easy on children. Coping with a narcissistic parent makes a stressful situation even more difficult. Learning to identify the games narcissists play can help parents to minimize the emotional abuse children suffer at the hands of a narcissistic parent.

Source

See the source link above for the complete article and for tips and strategies for dealing with a narcissist during and after a divorce.

Take a look at these “Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism.” These behaviors on the part of a parent can wreak havoc on a child emotionally:

Shamelessness – Shame is the feeling that lurks beneath all unhealthy narcissism, and the inability to process shame in healthy ways.

Magical thinking – Narcissists see themselves as perfect using distortion and illusion known as magical thinking. They also use projection to dump shame onto others.

Arrogance – A narcissist who is feeling deflated may reinflate by diminishing, debasing, or degrading somebody else.

Envy – A narcissist may secure a sense of superiority in the face of another person’s ability by using contempt to minimize the other person.

Entitlement – Narcissists hold unreasonable expectations of particularly favorable treatment and automatic compliance because they consider themselves special. Any failure to comply will be considered an attack on their superiority and the perpetrator is considered to be an “awkward” or “difficult” person. Defiance of their will is a narcissistic injury that can trigger narcissistic rage.

Exploitation – can take many forms but always involves the exploitation of others without regard for their feelings or interests. Often the other is in a subservient position where resistance would be difficult or even impossible. Sometimes the subservience is not so much real as assumed.

Bad Boundaries – narcissists do not recognize that they have boundaries and that others are separate and are not extensions of themselves. Others either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all. Those who provide narcissistic supply to the narcissist will be treated as if they are part of the narcissist and be expected to live up to those expectations. In the mind of a narcissist, there is no boundary between self and other.

Source: Hotchkiss, Sandy & Masterson, James F. Why Is It Always About You? : The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism (2003)

Googling “narcissism and divorce” yields a ton of resources which I believe is a testament to just how draining this particular personality trait or disorder can be in a situation that is already difficult and emotionally charged. The conventional wisdom for dealing with narcissists is: Get away from them. But of course that’s not possible when you must co-parent.

One co-parent we know told her children: “I’m your mother; I can do anything I want with you and to you” in response to their father’s attempt to intervene on their behalf.

So what’s a concerned co-parent to do? Bill Eddy, founder of The High Conflict Institute and author of Don’t Alienate the Kids! Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High Conflict Divorce shared some advice with us on an episode of “Co-Parenting Matters”, “Dealing With High Conflict in Your Co-Parenting Relationship.” (podcast at the link). According to Eddy, it’s important to realize that you cannot change a narcissist. And certainly trying to convince the narcissist that he’s a narcissist is pretty much a fool’s errand.

Here are some additional tips for dealing with a narcissistic co-parent:

Don’t swing at every pitch. For example, emails that are just rants, atttention-seeking, or expressions of self-aggrandizement should be ignored. Address any issue or problem that relates to your child; attack the problem, not the other parent, even if s/he is on the attack. If you do respond, keep it brief, to the point, and business-like.

Maintain firm boundaries. Limit your contact and communication, and maintain boundaries to keep the narcissist from inserting him/herself in your household and in your relationship with your children in inappropriate ways.

Accept that you can’t win an argument with a narcissist. Give up any efforts to be “right” in the eyes of the narcissist–even if you are. Focus instead on peace and wellness for your children.

Don’t take it personally. The narcissist has a disorder that’s about them, not you.

Take care of yourself. Divorcing a narcissist with children in the mix means that for some years you will not be able to completely sever ties with this person. Dealing with them can be exhausting and stressful. Commit to self-care to bring yourself some relief. Your martyrdom will not help your children.

The post Co-Parenting, Narcissism, and Emotional Abuse of Children During & After Divorce appeared first on The Faster Times.

Emotional abuse of children during and after divorce proceedings is one of the most insidious and common problems we hear about from co-parents who contact us via CoParenting101.org. Emotional abuse is generally more difficult to prove than physical abuse, and family court judges and lawyers who have seen it all know that such charges can be slippery and easily thrown around by divorcing parents, without merit. To some extent, they expect embattled divorcing parents to make damning but ultimately unfounded accusations against each other in an attempt to emerge as the better parent and “win” in the divorce. (This is why children’s issues have no place in an arena that by definition seeks to identify a “win” and a “loser.” But that’s a different rant for a different day.) The result can be that accusations of emotional abuse are minimized, not thoroughly investigated, or dismissed outright.

So when accusations of emotional abuse do have merit, the parent making the charge may face an uphill battle to have his/her concerns about the children’s well-being taken seriously.

Narcissists are amongst those who emotionally abuse children during and after divorce. Narcissism is “the personality trait of egotism, vanity, conceit, or simple selfishness.” While Freud argued that “healthy narcissism” is essential to normal human development, high levels of narcissism are manifested pathologically as narcissistic personality disorder. While co-parents shouldn’t invest themselves in trying to diagnose their exes, understanding their personality traits or potential disorders can be useful in learning how to deal with them constructively and in ways that benefit the children.

Here’s an excerpt from an article that addresses how narcissists abuse children during and after divorce:

Narcissists will use people in whatever way is necessary to get what they want. This world view also applies to their children…During and after divorce, a narcissist’s emotional abuse of their children may seem more direct or blatant…

Narcissists are masters of lying. They will lie to their children and distort reality the same as they do to everyone else. Often, narcissists will sacrifice their children’s well-being in an attempt to save face. This leaves the children feeling confused and unsure of their own reality and judgment. Narcissists will ask their children to lie for them, keep secrets and to spy on the other parent.

Narcissistic parents do not respect their children’s desires. They may make promises to the children in order to gain compliance from the child, then refuse to honor the promises. Children may miss out on birthday parties, sporting events or other activities important to them in order to accommodate the narcissistic parent’s wishes. The children soon learn that what they want is not important when with the narcissistic parent…

It may seem excessive or restraining but in the long run…written agreements will often be easier than constantly renegotiating with an unreliable and emotionally abusive former spouse.

Divorce is never easy on children. Coping with a narcissistic parent makes a stressful situation even more difficult. Learning to identify the games narcissists play can help parents to minimize the emotional abuse children suffer at the hands of a narcissistic parent.

Source

See the source link above for the complete article and for tips and strategies for dealing with a narcissist during and after a divorce.

Take a look at these “Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism.” These behaviors on the part of a parent can wreak havoc on a child emotionally:

Shamelessness – Shame is the feeling that lurks beneath all unhealthy narcissism, and the inability to process shame in healthy ways.

Magical thinking – Narcissists see themselves as perfect using distortion and illusion known as magical thinking. They also use projection to dump shame onto others.

Arrogance – A narcissist who is feeling deflated may reinflate by diminishing, debasing, or degrading somebody else.

Envy – A narcissist may secure a sense of superiority in the face of another person’s ability by using contempt to minimize the other person.

Entitlement – Narcissists hold unreasonable expectations of particularly favorable treatment and automatic compliance because they consider themselves special. Any failure to comply will be considered an attack on their superiority and the perpetrator is considered to be an “awkward” or “difficult” person. Defiance of their will is a narcissistic injury that can trigger narcissistic rage.

Exploitation – can take many forms but always involves the exploitation of others without regard for their feelings or interests. Often the other is in a subservient position where resistance would be difficult or even impossible. Sometimes the subservience is not so much real as assumed.

Bad Boundaries – narcissists do not recognize that they have boundaries and that others are separate and are not extensions of themselves. Others either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all. Those who provide narcissistic supply to the narcissist will be treated as if they are part of the narcissist and be expected to live up to those expectations. In the mind of a narcissist, there is no boundary between self and other.

Source: Hotchkiss, Sandy & Masterson, James F. Why Is It Always About You? : The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism (2003)

Googling “narcissism and divorce” yields a ton of resources which I believe is a testament to just how draining this particular personality trait or disorder can be in a situation that is already difficult and emotionally charged. The conventional wisdom for dealing with narcissists is: Get away from them. But of course that’s not possible when you must co-parent.

One co-parent we know told her children: “I’m your mother; I can do anything I want with you and to you” in response to their father’s attempt to intervene on their behalf.

So what’s a concerned co-parent to do? Bill Eddy, founder of The High Conflict Institute and author of Don’t Alienate the Kids! Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High Conflict Divorce shared some advice with us on an episode of “Co-Parenting Matters”, “Dealing With High Conflict in Your Co-Parenting Relationship.” (podcast at the link). According to Eddy, it’s important to realize that you cannot change a narcissist. And certainly trying to convince the narcissist that he’s a narcissist is pretty much a fool’s errand.

Here are some additional tips for dealing with a narcissistic co-parent:

Don’t swing at every pitch. For example, emails that are just rants, atttention-seeking, or expressions of self-aggrandizement should be ignored. Address any issue or problem that relates to your child; attack the problem, not the other parent, even if s/he is on the attack. If you do respond, keep it brief, to the point, and business-like.

Maintain firm boundaries. Limit your contact and communication, and maintain boundaries to keep the narcissist from inserting him/herself in your household and in your relationship with your children in inappropriate ways.

Accept that you can’t win an argument with a narcissist. Give up any efforts to be “right” in the eyes of the narcissist–even if you are. Focus instead on peace and wellness for your children.

Don’t take it personally. The narcissist has a disorder that’s about them, not you.

Take care of yourself. Divorcing a narcissist with children in the mix means that for some years you will not be able to completely sever ties with this person. Dealing with them can be exhausting and stressful. Commit to self-care to bring yourself some relief. Your martyrdom will not help your children.

The post Co-Parenting, Narcissism, and Emotional Abuse of Children During & After Divorce appeared first on The Faster Times.

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Pacifist though I am, I swear if I read another headline screaming “ELIN GETS $750 MILLION AND THE KIDS!”, I’m going to hit someone over the head with a golf club.

First of all, these hush money divorce settlement figures are from those oft-quoted “sources”, and I’ve read everything from “about $700M” and “$750 – $833M”, to “nowhere near $750 M.” (Even as I type this, reports are in “confirming” that a $750 M agreement has been reached.) On Twitter and elsewhere on the ‘net, folks are abuzz about the money–balking at it (“What tournament has she won?”), smirking at it (“I hope those white girls were worth it, Tiger!”), and cheering Elin on (“Get ‘im, girl!”).

But whatever the dollar amount, kids aren’t cash, and lumping them into “what Elin gets” is an affront. Custody decisions are far more nuanced than these headlines allow for. Where’s the buzz about “…AND THE KIDS!”–Tiger’s access to his children? What does it mean, legally and practically speaking, that Elin “gets” them?

According to “sources” who talked to PEOPLE magazine,

“…much of the haggling has been about child custody.

“[According to one source:]‘Elin does not want Tiger to have female friends around when he has the children. This is very important to her, and she will not give in to anything less.’

“To have control over the children’s interactions with their father, Nordegren has been fighting her husband for 100 percent custody of Sam and Charlie, though of course, Woods would get to see the kids. But the golfer said no, and has asked for at least one weekend a month…

“However, with his frequent golf tournaments, the lawyers are now discussing the possibility of Woods seeing the kids for a larger chunk of time when he is not traveling for golf. Instead of taking them one weekend a month, he could have Sam and Charlie longer, then not again for a couple of months.”

If these reports are true, good for Tiger, for not “giving up” his kids. He can certainly honor Elin’s request regarding female friends while the children are in his care. I hope that both parents allow the end of the legal proceedings in their divorce case to be the beginning of a co-parenting arrangement that allows their children to heal and ultimately thrive.

AP wire image

UPDATE: More “breaking news”: Elin will have sole physical custody, but the former couple will share legal custody (right to make decisions about the children’s welfare)…sources say.

The post Tiger and Elin Woods’ Kids > $750 Million appeared first on The Faster Times.

Pacifist though I am, I swear if I read another headline screaming “ELIN GETS $750 MILLION AND THE KIDS!”, I’m going to hit someone over the head with a golf club.

First of all, these hush money divorce settlement figures are from those oft-quoted “sources”, and I’ve read everything from “about $700M” and “$750 – $833M”, to “nowhere near $750 M.” (Even as I type this, reports are in “confirming” that a $750 M agreement has been reached.) On Twitter and elsewhere on the ‘net, folks are abuzz about the money–balking at it (“What tournament has she won?”), smirking at it (“I hope those white girls were worth it, Tiger!”), and cheering Elin on (“Get ‘im, girl!”).

But whatever the dollar amount, kids aren’t cash, and lumping them into “what Elin gets” is an affront. Custody decisions are far more nuanced than these headlines allow for. Where’s the buzz about “…AND THE KIDS!”–Tiger’s access to his children? What does it mean, legally and practically speaking, that Elin “gets” them?

According to “sources” who talked to PEOPLE magazine,

“…much of the haggling has been about child custody.

“[According to one source:]‘Elin does not want Tiger to have female friends around when he has the children. This is very important to her, and she will not give in to anything less.’

“To have control over the children’s interactions with their father, Nordegren has been fighting her husband for 100 percent custody of Sam and Charlie, though of course, Woods would get to see the kids. But the golfer said no, and has asked for at least one weekend a month…

“However, with his frequent golf tournaments, the lawyers are now discussing the possibility of Woods seeing the kids for a larger chunk of time when he is not traveling for golf. Instead of taking them one weekend a month, he could have Sam and Charlie longer, then not again for a couple of months.”

If these reports are true, good for Tiger, for not “giving up” his kids. He can certainly honor Elin’s request regarding female friends while the children are in his care. I hope that both parents allow the end of the legal proceedings in their divorce case to be the beginning of a co-parenting arrangement that allows their children to heal and ultimately thrive.

AP wire image

UPDATE: More “breaking news”: Elin will have sole physical custody, but the former couple will share legal custody (right to make decisions about the children’s welfare)…sources say.

The post Tiger and Elin Woods’ Kids > $750 Million appeared first on The Faster Times.

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