First things first: Let’s clear up any misconceptions you may have about Stepmother’s Milk, “a blog and resource site for the modern-day stepmom” founded by Izzy Rose. Stepmother’s Milk is not, as I initially thought, a reference to breastfeeding. (Don’t laugh: Izzy Rose’s husband thought the same thing.) What Stepmother’s Milk is is a haven for stepmoms. Born of Rose’s personal experiences, Stepmother’s Milk is a place for venting and finding encouragement in the company of a knowing sisterhood. As someone who will become a stepmom to two lovely girls, ages 11 and 13, in less than 3 months, I was eager to read Rose’s book The Package Deal: My (Not-So) Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom which tells the back story of how Stepmother’s Milk came to be as well as the gritty details of Rose’s first year as a stepmom.
Because I actually have “shot a tiny human out of my birth canal”, as Izzy–she writes so intimately, I feel that I can call her Izzy–as Izzy so eloquently put it; because I’m also mom to a child that I did not shoot out of my birth canal (my adopted daughter); because I’m just not Fun Monkey material (trust me: you have to read the book); and because I am in a long-distance relationship, my situation is very different from Izzy’s. For example, my fiancé will become my children’s step-father, so in many ways, we’ll be in the step-parenting trenches together. Nevertheless, Izzy’s adventures really resonated with me. There is much I have learned and will continue to learn about step-parenting. I hope that along the way, I can embrace these lessons with even half the wit, self-awareness, and honesty Izzy has.
The Package Deal serves up the lessons Izzy has learned in the form of numbered “Rules” (“Stepmom Rule Number Two: Don’t act like a hostess, act like a mother.”) interspersed throughout the narrative. And what a funny, girlfriend-to-girlfriend narrative it is. Izzy lays it bare about her at-times awkward and difficult transformation from being single-with-no-kids to joining the “traveling circus”: her stepsons aka “man-cubs”; her husband, Hank; his ex-wife, June; plus June’s husband and two children. At the outset of the book, June and Hank are committed to an “all for one and one for all” co-parenting arrangement in which they agree to relocate if one of their careers demanded it, in the interest of keeping their family together. And wouldn’t you know, shortly after Izzy accepted Hank’s marriage proposal, he got a better job offer. Already anxious about what marrying into the traveling circus would mean for her, her relationship with Hank and with the man-cubs, Izzy wrestled with the pros and cons of a new life, in a new city.
To the extent that Izzy throws a pity party in the wake of her life’s sudden change of course, it’s a hilarious and inspiring one. She pokes fun at her own flair for the dramatic, writing candidly about living with two boys (stinky bodies and discipline), knowing when to enforce the house rules (“Stepmom Suggested Rule Number Three”), and when to “accept what is” and “surrender your expectations (“Stepmom Rules Six and Ten”, respectively). Izzy describes losing herself for a few months after relocating to Austin, leaving behind her family, her career as a TV producer, and the city she loves, San Francisco. Alongside the moments of angst and the self-discovery, Izzy reveals her fabulous sense of style, how for a moment her therapist has to double as her new best friend, and how a failed search for a local stepmom support group led to the founding of StepmothersMilk.com.
Izzy borrowed the name “Stepmother’s Milk” from her own mother, who was also a stepmother (Izzy became a stepkid when her parents both remarried.) Izzy’s mother and a group of fellow stepmoms regularly retreated to a neighborhood bar to “order rounds of very strong cocktails, and laugh and groan over their similar ‘spilled milk.’” One of the strong drinks they favored was renamed “Stepmother’s Milk,” and needing some became a code for needing an escape from the stresses at home. Decades later, Izzy has brought this same spirit of community to cyberspace, and with The Package Deal, she’s written its manifesto.
In case you’re wondering, Izzy does provide the recipe for the real Stepmother’s Milk, a Ramos gin fizz which is a concoction featuring egg white and heavy cream, amongst other ingredients. This doesn’t sound like my idea of comfort in a cup; then again, I’m partial to weak, frou-frou drinks. But I digress…
I found so much wisdom in The Package Deal. I’m seriously considering making screensavers out of several of Izzy’s Rules. My hands-down favorite of the Rules, however, is Number Twenty, which is as much a general parenting rule as anything else: Don’t ask your kids to take care of your feelings. They are not your emotional bellhops. This little gem I want to tattoo on the foreheads of some co-parents I know.
Oh, and as for the liquid incarnation of Stepmother’s Milk? Make mine a strawberry-basil mojito. Cheers!
