Anne Heche Calls Her Ex a “Lazy Ass” on Letterman. Their Poor Kid.

Anne and the "Lazy Ass" in less lazy, happier times.

I took a brief break from my obsessive passing-of-Ted Kennedy-coverage watching yesterday to check out a sad, weird clip of Anne Heche complaining about her “lazy ass” ex-husband Coley Laffoon on the Letterman show. They share custody of their 7 year-old son Homer. She pays him child support, a reported $3,700 a month. When Letterman asked her about what Laffoon does to stay busy, she said he goes out to the mailbox, opens the little door and takes out checks from her.

Then she complained that Laffoon has taken up coaching soccer (perhaps even their child’s team, although it wasn’t clear during the interview) and keeps wanting her to come see him running around the soccer field in shorts. She wants no part of that kind of activity, she said. “I divorced you,” she announces. As in, I never want to see you again.

What the hell was she thinking? Granted the “Hung” star doesn’t have a history of clear thinking (see wandering in the Central Valley episode, 2000, post breakup with Ellen DeGeneres), but this was beyond idiotic. Yes she’s moved on, and has a relationship and a baby with her co-star from “Men in Trees,” James Tupper (who has his own ex and kids to deal with) but Homer, presumably, has not moved on. He’s probably still pretty interested in having a relationship with his father. Likely he loves Laffoon quite a bit. He might even, in the future, like to have both his mother and father attending his sporting events.

I understand bitter. I also understand the need to vent. She’s obviously frustrated about her financial situation. She’s a gifted actress, but she probably doesn’t make as much money as we all think of notable (albeit B list) Hollywood stars as making. She probably doesn’t want to give any of it to Laffoon, who was a cameraman when she met him, comes from a more than middle class family (his dad was high up in the now-dismantled Knight Ridder media company) and looks capable of earning a few bucks on his own. (According to US Weekly, he’s selling real estate in LA).

But that’s what therapists and friends are for. Letterman’s shoulder is not the one to cry on. He doesn’t give a crap about her problems. I’m surprised he didn’t steer the conversation away, instead of encouraging Heche to go on trashing Laffoon. And I don’t care how much of a toad Laffoon is or isn’t. He didn’t deserve that. Nor did the child they share.

And what’s the net result? Is she going to get out of paying the child support? No. The best result she might expect out of this is an end to the invitations to come to those soccer games. But that’s small consolation when you’ve just made yourself look like an absolute jerk. Maybe this was the work of that alternate personality of hers, “Celestia,” who supposedly vanished shortly after the Central Valley episode – I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s the excuse she eventually offers. She definitely owes Laffoon an apology, in a setting just as public as the Letterman Show. Then she needs to figure out a way to make it right with her little boy, because unless she sends him to live with Celestia on Mars, he’s going to someday see that Letterman Show. And he’s going to feel terrible about it.