USDA Reclassifies Pepper Spray as a Vegetable

In a stunning reversal, it was announced today that Lt. John Pike was not dousing seated, nonviolent UC Davis protesters with pepper spray—he was feeding them a healthful snack.

“In line with recent Federal lobbying to have pizza declared a vegetable, and the proud traditions begun by Governor Ronald Reagan at Berkeley in 1966 and in the USDA in 1981, the USDA has declared pepper spray a vegetable,” UC Davis Chancellor Linda Katehei told members of the press today.

“We hold students’ welfare in the highest regard,” she added. “The protestors had been out on the quad for hours and missed several meals, and some in Campus Security were concerned that they might be getting hungry. While I am deeply sorry for the manner in which the snack food was administered, I maintain that I did not order it to be delivered in such a manner, had no knowledge of it being delivered, and am refunding the $7.37 in Aggie Cash they were charged.

“I would like to point out that aerosolized, weaponized vegetables are in keeping with UC Davis’ long history of innovation and excellence in the agriculture and food sciences. Our labs are currently working in cooperation with DARPA and Monsanto on many other such innovations, such as anti-tank radishes, antipersonnel fragmentation pumpkins, and hunter-killer tomatoes.

“Finally, I assure you that justice will be done in this case. In keeping with UC policy that all food served on campus must come from approved caterers, Lt. Pike will be reassigned to Food Services.”

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