Damned Again: More Hate From Himmelfarb

Good day, minions! Some of you may recall a post in which I shared with you a rather esoteric and enlightening hate (E)mail from one of my unfans.

Well, this morning, in between Emails from my mother imploring me to apply for better paying jobs (thanks Patti!), I received some follow-up hate mail from aforesaid hater, who I shall call Himmelfarb. Given my newfound proclivity for engaging in screaming matches, I took this as a welcome opportunity to flex my admittedly awkward verbal attack muscles. So I wrote back to Himmelfarb and we bickered, and it was beautiful. Below is our exchange. Happy Monday!

To the death, Himmelfarb

Note to reader: by “jokes I find funny” Himmelfarb is referring to his strangely punctuated Email signature —a 19-line-long ditty that includes observations such as “never . .raw dog a , random!!!1″

PS: yes I have considered the distinct possibility that Himmelfarb is a computer.

To: Me

From: Himmelfarb

It is not A.hate mail B. A complicated riddle that will solve the world’s problem ,it is merely a series of jokes I find funny , Miss Post.Harvard.edu and p.s. lose the bow .

From: Me

To: Himmelfarb

Oooh, a little slow on the uptake, Himmelfarb. But then you seem a little slow all around–not to mention bitter. Instead of obsessing over me, you should probably go get yourself a writing tutor (someone to coach you on grammar, punctuation, and spelling). I’d help you out myself except I charge $225 an hour and make a point of not hanging out with assholes.

Xoxo

Sent from my Halefone

From: Himmelfarb

lets have a pissing contest ,asswipe .

From: Himmelfarb

Go compare piercings and drink PBR with a hipster in skinny jeans .Okay.I ll pay you $2.25 to ______ me .

From: Me

I guess I just don’t understand why you have so much trouble with spacing. Do you only have one finger on each hand, and is one of them gnarled? That must be the answer.

I’m so sorry about your deformity. Also what is a “hipster”?

Sent from my Halefone

From: Himmelfarb

More to the point and more importantly ,what is a Halefone ?

From: Me

OOPS! YOU HAVE ENGAGED WITH KATHLEEN HALE PAST YOUR “FIRST FIVE MINUTES FREE.” TO CONTINUE WITH YOUR CONVERSATION, PLEASE INSERT $20 INTO YOUR COMPUTER

From: Himmelfarb

So fucking clever ,I can t stand it. How’s my kerning ,Marcel Proust. I type with my member,does that explain it .

No, Himmelfarb. No, it does not.