An Angry Guy’s Guide To Self Defense For Good People In A Politically Correct World So Unhinged From Reality It Makes Him Want To Puke

This morning I got an email from a guy named Sergeant Kermit—a Sheriff’s deputy from Roanoke, Virginia. He wanted to talk to me about my “subway penis problem,” and offered to loan me either this knife or that knife so I could work on my self-defense strategies. When I asked him about the statistical probability of my being stabbed to death with my own knife, Kermit responded, “It comes down to being willing to cut or shoot a sumbitch.”

I interviewed him immediately.

Kathleen Hale (KH): Tell me more about not getting stabbed with my own knife.

Sergeant Kermit (SK): Well, either a knife or a gun can be a problem if you’re not committed to using it. You never show a weapon to threaten someone. That’s where people make the mistake. You only bring it to the party when you’re ready to dance.

If they are close enough to take it, they are within your cutting radius. So it’s about adopting an offensive mindset, rather than a defensive one. By thinking they can take it away, and how to prevent it, you aren’t thinking about how and when to cut. You’ve got to focus on what YOU are going to do to THEM. A book that I HIGHLY recommend is The Gift of Fear.

If you’re interested in books on how to terminate with extreme prejudice, there are others I can recommend.

KH: Have you ever thought of writing a how-to-guide for naïve-young-professionals who have recently transplanted into semi-dangerous-city-life?

SK: You’re a perfect example of who I would want to write something like that for. It would be kind of An Angry Guy’s Guide To Self Defense For Good People In A Politically Correct World So Unhinged From Reality It Makes Him Want To Puke. There needs to be a section on “It’s ok not to feel bad for stabbing a fucker in the liver.”

KH: Okay well here’s a question you might be able to answer: the other day, a guy came up to me at night on a deserted subway platform. He was sweaty and weird-seeming. He asked if I could call him a cab. At the time, I stayed at a good distance and made it very clear that he was scaring me, hoping this would keep him away, but I still called him the cab…I have a feeling this wasn’t the best tactic. What should I do if it ever happens again?

SK: Listen to me, Hale. The thing that makes a Good Person a Good Person is their humanity. Of course, it doesn’t have to be universal. Nobody would expect you to call a cab for Poppa Doc Duvalier or John Wayne Gacy. That’s just stupid. So the guy appeared to be in some kind of distress, you hailed a cab for him, and kept your distance. Sounds like if you wanted to help the guy that you did just fine. The important thing is to not let him lure you somewhere you had no intention of going. Also, beware if he persists in asking for assistance and tries to close the distance between you. Then it’s time to consider driving a stiletto heeled shoe into his eyeball.

Of course, if you’re not vamping that day, a ballpoint pen will do. Lots of people suggest using keys as a weapon, and they are better than nothing, but truth be told keys can’t reach any vital organs. Also, if the asshole runs off screaming down the street with your keys stuck in a jagged hole in his face, how are you going to get into your apartment?

KH: That’s a really good point. At what point do I call the police and/or stab a “sumbitch”?

SK: Always trust your gut instincts. We have them for a reason. People get into trouble when they let morals, mores, or public perception in general overrule what their gut is telling them. If it feels like a bad situation, let someone else be the Good Samaritan. If you think the guy really needs help, yet your gut is still telling you to get away, get away from him but call 911 and tell them you think someone might need medical attention, etc. Bad guys prey on good intentions. They will use guile and guilt to sucker someone in. So be an asshole if you need to. Sometimes good people need to act like pricks in order to survive. It’s called “accessing your internal badass.”

KH: I’ll definitely try and be more of a badass prick henceforth. I actually just told my coworker about you and she has a question, would you mind?

SK: Give it to me, Hale.

KH: She says, “You’re a cop. Can I call the cops on the Green Peace guys? Because I could call the cops on the homeless guys if they wouldn’t stop hassling me and were like blocking the street and getting aggressive, and I fucking hate the Green Peace Guys.”

SK: Friend of Hale, listen to me: It’s up to the cops to determine if a law is being broken, not you. If you think something is wrong, or you’re being harassed, call the fuzz.

KH: Good point. I guess that’s all for now, but definitely get in touch if there’s anything else you think I should know.

SK: Ok by me. In the mean time, here are some videos I think are cool:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB7iz1HTh9U

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S32QFUTR9bc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nAonJxLvH80

If you have questions of your own, you can email Kermit at pirateepd@gmail.com. Read more of his advice here.

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