Why I love Mormons

I love Mormons. I am strongly considering relocating to Salt Lake City to convert, begin rock climbing with other Mormons, and corral some kind of husband(s) (JK MORMONS ARE MONOGAMOUS). But I’m not kidding about wanting to be Mormon.

Up until recently, I knew shamefully little about the Latter-day Saints (LDS). But then on Monday, I finagled an invite to the LDS Fourth-of-July Barbecue (bbq). Based on my experience, I’ve come up with a list of things that all of you should consider before you go on with your life not being Mormon.

1.) Mormons know how to party. I’m not even kidding—between the volleyball net, croquet court, and giant bin of caffeine-free sodas, these people could have gone all night. Even the Elders (male, Mormon missionaries (female missionaries are called Sisters)) were playing soccer in their black pants and white shirts—their neckties and nametags flapping in the wind. Finally around midnight I had to put my foot down and drag my ride home off the trampoline (“Just one more flip!” she pleaded).

2.) Mormons don’t drink coffee or alcohol, or smoke cigarettes, because they believe that addictions of any kind give you less freedom. This kind of independence worked well for me on Independence Day; most of my July 4^th bbq memories revolve around trying to finagle a designated driver to take that ever-present-obstinate-drunk-character home—but at this one, nobody even vomited on my red white and blue outfit.

3.) Mormons are funny. When our ride came, the girl who had invited me, Alaina, patiently reminded me that there would be no drinking—that yes, Mormons are even sober for “special occasions” like July 4—after which point our driver, who I’d just met, turned around and deadpanned, “Who says I’m sober?” then turned the keys in the ignition.

4.) Mormons network like wow. Not only can they go virtually anywhere in the world, attend the local LDS church, and be brought to the bosom of a whole new group of friends, but Mormon people got the hook-up. While I was there, I explained my current living situation in Connecticut (I NEED AN NYC APARTMENT, PEOPLE), and got three contacts from one couple. They have since followed up with two emails, complete with a forwarded LDS apartment mailing list. If I had been Mormon, I feel like there would have been even more of this; a lot of the parents at the party attributed their sons’ and daughters’ internships or current work situations to various Mormon contacts across the country; 74 out of 75 people at the party were employed.

5.) Mormons are actually the most attractive people. Maybe it’s their aversion to martinis and party drugs, but every person I met on Monday was fresh-faced and fit, with shiny, healthy hair—I’m talking tan skin and big eyes and rock climbers’ bodies. The combination of these physical attributes and the fact of widespread virginity (most of the 20’s-somethings there were unmarried) also meant that the bbq was rife with sexual tension, and playful PDA.

For the record, I was totally exempt from this kind of attention—unless you count the only unemployed, unattractive Mormon, who was sort of following me around, and kept barking things like, “soooo, have you seen the city yet—like really seen it?” Probably the more eligible guys backed off because I’m not Mormon (though maybe if I repented for what’s happened so far (lots of sexing!) and decided to get baptized (I’M CONSIDERING IT, YOU SEXY ANIMALS)…but I digress). On the other hand, Alaina—who I’d met only four days prior (and instantly fallen in love with because of her easy laugh and open-mindedness (and probably also due to the fact that SHE WAS GORGEOUS))—was being pursued by like, five different guys. They’d offer her gifts of watermelon and baked beans, then sit down and listen intently to whatever she was saying, then refer back to something specific she had said either in a curious or laudatory way (as I write this, I realize I am describing a conversation—but let me tell you that I had literally never seen anything like this before; people who have learned to flirt without social lubricants or any expectation of sex are phenomenal conversationalists).

And this is the last thing I’m going to say about it (to avoid losing control and buying a one-way ticket to Salt Lake), but many Mormons wear this awesome, sexy special underwear, called a garment (and there are no good pictures so I’m going to describe it here: it’s basically bike shorts that hit slightly above the knee, made out of a white, shiny spandex blend (angel material), with a matching cap-sleeved, scoop-necked top).

Please, for me, for just a second, (and Alaina, I think you should stop reading at this point) imagine two sexy, healthy, emotionally fulfilled Mormon virgins removing each other’s garments (BAM).