Oops! I Got a Job

Somehow, writing a column about being an irresponsible and all-around-unsavory character/employee has landed me a sort of job with this website you’re reading.

On one hand, the fact that certain editors felt a “connection” with me after reading my last piece probably doesn’t bode well. For starters, our cooperation will mostly likely result in now combined and constant attempts at scatological humor—not to mention that my tendency to “zone out” (with the frequency of a high-risk narcoleptic taking naps) puts me at high risk for “creative hearing” (“Wait you wanted me to find out more about the Obamas’ trip to Ireland?—Well, I wrote an article about cows”). Any remnants of productivity will undoubtedly be extinguished by my plan to integrate “Casual Friday Hula-Hoop Parties.” I friggin love the hula hoop.

On the other hand, I get to move to New York City (NYC!)—that place from movies and TV! I’ve heard it smells like garbage and glitter, and that the poorer you are, the more famous you will be someday.

Therefore, a heartfelt thanks to The Faster Times! I cordially accept your offer, which has given me the financial stability to live for free in my Mom’s cousin’s garage. In Connecticut.

Most of the reason I bring this up (besides wanting to brag about my bling-bling), is as a prelude to an apology; in my last column, I discussed plans to explore the parameters of my own joblessness by flashing a college degree at shitty work and seeing where it landed me. Given my proclivity to say the wrong thing at the wrong time, and to poop in the wrong places, this all promised to be very humorous —and I know that my (approximately) five-bajillion readers are probably very disappointed by my newfound employment (bling-bling).

So I’m here to reassure you that while I will probably end up talking about other sorts of things regarding “Life After College,” the good news is that I still plan to try and interview for the whole egg donation thing (surrogate mother or harvest box?? I don’t know!)—if only because I don’t have health insurance and am hoping that during the free doctors visits, I might be able to squeeze in unrelated questions such as, “Hey mister, whaddabout this weird freckle?” So far, I’ve sent in preliminary applications to a couple agencies but haven’t heard back. Admittedly, this might have to do with the fact that each agency requires scanned JPEG’s of photo ID’s, and all my ID’s look like this: