An Open Letter To Victoria’s Secret

Yo girl, stop e-mailing me and telling me that something INCREDIBLE is about to happen. Every time I open the e-mail, I expect something and I’m always let down. You’re like the little trannie who cried wolf, and when something incredible does eventually happen, I’m not going to believe you. Then what, Victoria?

Do you mind if I call you Vicky? Alright, sorry I asked. Victoria it is, out of a sense of formality and respect. You are the ever-elusive, enigmatic Victoria. We have no idea what your secret is, but I think I may have an idea. We have no idea what you look like, how old you are (Rule #1: Never ask a lady her age.), or what cup size you really are. But listen, Victoria, when you use CAPS so wantonly (ie. INCREDIBLE; FLIRTY!, et al.), it makes me think that you and I are in a fight and you are yelling at me. And let’s face it, I did nothing wrong. Either that, or you are my middle-aged aunt who has yet to get the memo that it is not 1997, this is not AOL 2.0, and CAPS LOCK communication is a thing of the past, like beepers and fax machines. We are in the age of Twitter; get with it.

But I’m on to you, Victoria. The CAPS are the final straw, and I think I’ve got your secret all figured out. You are actually an elderly Nigerian man, spamming me from some internet cafe in Abuja, telling me that I can be your beautiful Nigerian princess if I send you my bank account and routing numbers. That’s what it is, right? This game has got to end, Ms. Vicky Cristina Barcelona. That’s right. I said it!

Your latest incredible gimmick is a bra that adjusts itself. All I have to say is that any bra with the ability to know things like that must have come from the Devil. It just amazes me that your company actually has a team of scientists who could develop something like this. Don’t you realize that we live in an age where our best scientists take over a month to figure out how to plug an oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico? You, Victoria, are feeding the culture of overachievement. But seriously, how does it know how to adjust itself? How is that even possible, let alone desirable in any way? Will it infringe on my 9th Amendment right—upheld by Roe v Wade—to privacy? Maybe I’m just painfully neurotic, but what if someone (read: me) has the misfortune of buying the one dyslexic bra in the stack, and it confuses a pair of double-D’s for double-A’s? That would be so horrible. I mean, it has the potential to kill someone by smothering their chest to death! See, how would it know if it’s sizing someone correctly? I’m just concerned that it would either: (a) cut off my blood flow, (b) block my lungs’ access to fresh oxygen, (c) all of the above.

That is incredibly scary. All I want and need is a little support, a little push-me-up. I can adjust it myself, to my own comfort levels, thank you very much.

Now I feel bad. I feel like I’m coming down on your really harshly. I don’t mean it like that. Oh c’mon, Victoria, you know me. You know I just speak my mind. I never meant to hurt you. I understand that the work you do is essential. You are single-handedly saving millions of women from the horror of impending back and spine issues. You are fighting the good fight and trying to do something that even Isaac Newton never dared to attempt: defy gravity.

But I need to be honest with you: there is nothing incredible about a bra that adjusts itself. Nothing at all. Interesting, maybe. But incredible? No. I simply won’t be impressed with your products until something really incredible happens. And I’m not just talking about the obligatory e-mail that you send your mail list every four months in an effort to push us into you store for a little retail therapy. I’m talking about something really, deeply and truly incredible. So incredible, it brings tears to my eyes. Something so incredible, I won’t figure out how I ever lived my life without it and could never imagine my life without it again, as is the case with electricity and toilet paper. Simple things, yes. But also incredible things.

So for the sake of practicality, I’m going to channel some good energy for you, Victoria. You really need to work on a bra for the active, working woman. The woman who wears a power suit to work, gets a manicure on the weekend, and juggles a household. Here is a list of potential ideas for you to mull over:

1.) The Salvavidas Bra. Derived from the Spanish, salva vida, to save a life. Make a bra, save a life. These bras will be truly incredible because you can take the ladies swimming. Or wear them on an airplane (just in case it crashes over the Atlantic). Inspired by the traditional life jacket found underneath your airplane seat, these bras will have two straps, one on either side, that you can pull in an emergency. When pulled, the front cups burst open and are fully inflatable. In less than three seconds, it has the ability to morph into the sexiest, lace-trimmed life jacket the market has ever seen. You’ll never have to worry about drowning again. (Purchase this bra and .05% of proceeds are donated to a charity helping orphans born with cleft palates.)

2.) The Bilingual Bra. This bra serves as a portable translator. Speak into the built-in microphone in the left cup, and the speaker in the right cup will robotically announce the translation. You don’t need an IR-degree to impress your diplomat friends. Comes with 14 pre-set languages and the option to buy apps for additional languages. Ideal for the traveling woman. Never get lost in translation again. (Purchase this bra and .05% of proceeds are donated to the You Get Three Wishes Foundation.)

3.) The Pooper Scooper Bra. This bra will walk your dog and clean up after it. (Purchase this bra and .05% of proceeds are donated to the ASPCA of Los Angeles County’s Chihuahua Overpopulation Prevention Program.)

4.) The Made-Ya-Look Bra. This bra will emit frequencies of ultraviolet light that are so high, they aren’t on the visible spectrum. When unsuspecting predators stare at your chest, they will feel a burning sensation in their retnas, but won’t know why. Thus, redefining the phrase, “My eyes are up here, you bastard.” (Purchase this bra and .05% of proceeds are donated to The Helen Keller Scholarship Fund.)

5.) The Fannypack Bra. Perfect for storage. Ideal for weekends strolling at the boardwalk or taking the kids to the amusement park. Stores keys, cell phones, and up to five snacks. Now comes in tie dye. (Purchase of this bra earns you .05% cash back now!)

Can you make a bra that will clean the dishes, vacuum, dust a little bit and Swiffer the parquet, if that’s not asking too much? How about a bra that will give a woman an annual mammogram and alert the doctor’s when something suspicious pops up? How about a bra where all profits are donated to the Susan G. Komen Race For The Cure Foundation? Maybe a bra that could hold my hand and whisper sweet nothings?

Thought so.

Love,

Busting Out Of Here

Joseph Cassara is a writing student at Columbia University. His work has appeared or is forthcoming in Eclectica Magazine, The Eye, Quarto, PANK Magazine, and Electric Literature’s The Outlet. He live ...read more

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