Can You Tell If a Guy Is Big?

VERONICA, HOW DO I KNOW IF A GUY IS GOING TO HAVE A BIG PENIS? CAN I TELL FROM HOW THEY WALK?

Dear Dick,

First, let it be known that I didn’t receive this letter anonymously, but from a friend; this is just evidence of the kind of friends I have, and implicitly, I guess, the kind of life I lead. I’d tell you not to spam my inbox (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE DICK), but in this case, you’ve made my life easier by giving me a straightforward question at a time when I don’t feel like delving into any more emotions. (I’ve borne witness to a bunch of breakups in the past few weeks, and I’m tired.) So instead of spamming you back, I’m going to share the benefits of my expertise with the world. You know, for the greater good.

The answer, of course, is relative to the situation you’re in:

- in a swimming pool/jacuzzi situation, hunched over = hiding a shower at the very least, and probably also a grower.

- in the bedroom, hunched over = not very big or maybe just not hard yet, but touchingly embarrassed about it.

-in the giant scary Hollister store on Broadway (which is incidentally infested with bed bugs), neck wider than head = probably on steroids = small.

- in a coffee shop, bar, restaurant, or other sitting-down-situation: don’t make the mistake of using height as a proxy — there’s really no correlation. Instead, look for expensive watches or shoes. They don’t mean anything by themselves, but if both are present, look for other signs of overcompensating. (Same goes for women.)

- in conversation: someone who brags about past sexual experiences (often in the guise of reminiscing) is someone who doesn’t think his sexual prowess will be self-evident, which usually means someone who’s not as good as he thinks he is and doesn’t realize that really good sex is its own argument. Even a virgin can tell when he or she has it good. This person may or may not be well-endowed but will definitely not be worth your time.

- most importantly: question whether you really need a huge dick. I don’t believe that it’s all about how you use it, but I do think it depends on what kind of sex you like having, and how your body works. For some, ahem, methods, size really isn’t the thing — or length might matter but not girth — and for others, it’s everything. Try taking a look at how the other half lives before you reach a conclusion.

- and lastly: I may be hopelessly romantic, but I really believe that if you love the guy (or transguy), you’ll love the dick. So the most efficient way to find the perfect penis might be to find love first.

-VVM

Veronica Mittnacht is a lifelong New Yorker. She has written for TheRumpus.net, ilikemystyle.net, Soap Opera Digest, Flavorwire, Boldtype, The New York Egotist, and Human Rights First, and once attend ...read more

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