Office Snacks in a Time of Famine

Best Office Snacks and How to Effectively Hoard Them

Unless you happen to work at a company that actually values their employees and/or has limitless expendable funds, chances are that your office amenities will be limited to low-grade coffee and non-dairy creamer, minimal vending machine options or an economy-sized pack of expired granola bars that your employer picked up from a flea market the weekend before. Welcome to the rest of your life in hell.

Given the recession mindfuck of the past several years, a number of articles have been released with helpful tips and tricks on how to save money, with casual reminders that your daily Starbucks habit costs you $1,500 annually, while simply packing a sandwich instead of heading to Panda Express will save an extra $3,000! Rooted with good intentions, these articles fail to address the fundamental issue behind our addictions: they’re kind of necessities.

If you thought trudging through the banal existence of a joyless workweek was terrifying enough, try doing it without the comfort of a mid-day snack. It’s the type of pain that inspires pathetic acts of desperation such as stuffing your face with stale tortilla chip crumbs leftover from a company-sponsored outing three weeks ago or checking online to see how far you can push the expiration date before making yourself sick. We’ve all been there.

As one who is prone to daily snack attacks and incapable of settling with a box of Triscuits, I have developed elaborate methods of hoarding to avoid losing my stash to lurking co-workers that inevitably infiltrate at the first signs of a Trader Joe’s run. Here’s how:

Snack: Toaster Waffles

Hide that shit: Toaster waffles are the perfect vessel for any snacking adventure: traditional syrup, compote, fried chicken, sandwiched with peanut butter and jelly, or topped with ice cream cake brought into the office for that girl in accounting whose name you can’t remember but it’s her birthday (but who cares, it’s ice cream cake). Therefore, you really don’t want to let these get stolen by the pregnant woman in human resources who sees fit to eat everyone’s shit because she’s eating for two now.

Make a one-time investment in the most unappetizing microwave dinner in the freezer section. This can be a Kids Cuisine or anything in the Banquet or Stouffer’s collection (don’t get a Lean Cuisine or Smart Ones, because even though those are inedible, dieting martyrs will revel in an unattended low-calorie dish). Continue to use the packaging to store your frozen waffles and place in the back of the fridge, letting the container deteriorate as much as possible so that people will ultimately forget its existence – or the possibility of frozen waffles lying within.

Snack: Matt’s Chocolate Chip Cookies

Hide that shit: If you don’t live in Illinois, Wisconsin or Missouri, there’s a slim chance you’ve had the pleasure of indulging in little morsels of heaven. As far as preserved cookies go, these are pretty much the closest you can come to home-baked quality. And when your co-workers catch on that you are in possession of a box, your cubicle will be the most popular spot in the office. If you have enough room in your file cabinet, store underneath or behind your files, or simply make a new folder labeled, “Tax forms” or something comparable no one will check.

Snack: Trader Joe’s Wasabi Rice Crackers

Hide that shit: Kinda salty, kinda spicy, but mostly taste like nothing, these are the ultimate guiltless and mindless snacking indulgence. They’re sort of healthy snacks that you can easily polish off in a sitting if you’re not careful, and unfortunately, relatively exotic snacks (i.e. require a special trip to TJ’s). Therefore, you’re bound to have co-workers all up in your grill asking inane questions in hopes you’ll share a handful or three. No better place to keep bitches out of your business than in an empty business card box. Not only will no one check there, but they fit perfectly!

Snack: Hummus and Pita

Hide that shit: This is one of the more challenging snacks to hide because most people love hummus and pita. And if they hate it, it’s most likely on account of not trying it or having scarred taste buds incapable of enjoying anything wonderful in life. While there is no effective method of hiding hummus and pita in the communal fridge area, there are means of deterring intruders. Place both into a container that can comfortably store both products as a pair. Label the container with your name, the date, and the following in a large, bold, legible font: IF YOU EAT THIS, I WILL DESTROY YOU. Finally (and most important), make sure to note that you work in the mail room whether or not you actually do. No one should eat your snacks ever again.

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