To My Dorm Neighbor Who Is, Among Other Things, Obsessed With Taylor Swift

Okay look, Lisa. I had no problem with the mice-as-pets idea. If you want to horde red-eyed rodents and keep them domesticated in two-by-two wire cages—whatever. I told you that as long as they don’t scurry into my dorm room, I was fine. Don’t ask, don’t tell, and my lips are sealed. But will I rat-sit for you so you can go to some animal rights brouhaha rally with your boyfriend who looks like Janis Joplin on steroids? Absolutely not. Hell to the no, Larissa. And you must have known the moment the question left your lips because you recoiled and I really do apologize for spitting my mouthful of Insta-Mac-N-Cheese on your shirt. It was one of your nicer shirts. Just don’t overstep boundaries.

Believe me, I am trying to understand where you’re coming from, Lara. See, our lives are separated by many intangible factors. For example, your love for mice, and my love for not-mice. I guess that is one of the benefits of dorming on campus and all that bull. We’re supposed to broaden our horizons, meet bright and shining new faces, become the strong, beautiful people we really are. Yeah.

I learned a little bit about you during our first floor meeting. We did one of those ice-breaker things. You are Sara, sophomore, California native, your favorite kind of pie is pumpkin, no crust. (Personally, I feel like the graham cracker crust makes it, but I guess this is where we differ on certain things.)

So, I’ve come up with this brief set of points I’d like to address so that we can be on the same page, so we can see the ties our floor has imparted on us grow, so we can become BFFs for life—or something close to it. It’s not exactly blackmail, but let’s just say, if things don’t start to change, the R.A. might just find out about your little rat pet things.

1.) What is going on in your room on Wednesday nights? I mean, really. I know it’s Janis Joplin and I know he’s doing all kinds of things to your body. But what the hell is he doing to you because I have never heard a human being ever scream like the way you do, ever. Sometimes I think, Okay, wow, good for you. Live the good life. Someone clearly knows how to work it over there. But other times, the noises just sound so–wrong. Sometimes I feel like I might be doing an injustice to your vagina by not calling Public Safety.

So I guess, overall, just calm your bad self, remember to breathe, and keep hydrated. And use a condom!

2.) Thursday mornings. Where do you get the energy, Marissa? The one day of the week I don’t have morning classes, I don’t have to set my alarm, and BAM, you manage to make your presence known. Just take it down a notch! You need to understand: Thursdays are the only day of the week where I can sleep in and watch a good Baby Daddy episode of Maury. This is a very, very precious moment in my week and only few out there understand. If you are not one of them, you will have to trust me here and keep the bestial noises to a humane level, please and thank you.

2-a.) If you can’t do that, I will record you, sell it on the internet and make my millions. Because people buy shit like that off the internet. I think. Like fat married men. They love the school girl stuff. I hope we don’t have to find out the hard way, Mara.

3.) Whoa. You were not joking when you said you tried out for American Idol three years in a row. You really weren’t. That’s great and all, but I don’t want to hear your interpretations of Taylor Swift, Chaka Khan, or Celine Dion. If you can’t stop singing “I Will Always Love You” at the top of your lungs everyday after lunch, I will personally phone Whitney Houston herself to make sure she hauls her ass all the way from Atlanta to bitchslap you across the face. Without Vaseline. Understand? Oh, and take La*Toya Jackson off your repertoire. If you’re gonna try to sing, at least do it right.

It’s only been a week, Megan, so I’m sure this list will become more comprehensive soon. Thank you in advance. We’ll be in contact.

Your Dorm Neighbor Who is, Among Other Things, Trying to Watch Maury