The Government Charged $650 to Mow A Woman’s Lawn. A Bargain, I Say!
A Phillipsburg, New Jersey woman is outraged this week after receiving a $650 bill from her local government for mowing her lawn. The front yard of the woman’s home–which she was not occupying at the time due to an ongoing divorce–was overgrown and unsightly, and the neighbors had complained. She had been given 10 days to cut the grass, and when she did not comply, the Mayor’s office sent out a lawn-mowing service, and they managed to complete the job for just $650.00. Man, Halliburton sure knows how to win a government contract, huh?
The woman is upset because:
A) She thought her husband was going to take care of the lawn.
B) She lives in Phillipsburg, New Jersey
C) She thinks that $650.00 is too much money to pay for cutting 20 square meters of grass. [See her yard below].
I know that, on first glance, this may seem like an excessive amount of money for 15 minutes of work. The Mayor’s office claims that the charge is due to rain and the overtime they had to pay to the service. The men also had to cut the grass with little pubic hair scissors, which made the job much more time-consuming. We’re in a recession, and the local government couldn’t afford a lawn-mower: just boxes and boxes of pubic hair scissors.
Seriously, though, the Mayor need not apologize for anything. I can vouch that $650 is a reasonable amount for grass-cutting services–why, when I was a teenager, I used to charge my parents $650 to mow the yard every week. I would do the chore every Sunday after dinner and be inside also 7-hundo richer and in time to see WWF Sunday Night Heat. And guess what? My parents loved paying just $650 to mow their lawn; you should have seen what Tommy next door was charging! This was a great bargain for them! They would tell their reading club that they were paying me $1,200 just so that our neighbors wouldn’t poach me!
$650 is a totally reasonable sum of money to pay for mowing the lawn. Here’s an itemized breakdown:
Mowing the lawn – $20
Gasoline [for the lawnmower]- $5
Gasoline to drive my car to the gas station to get gasoline – $5
Gasoline to drive my car back to my house – $5
Transportation of lawn-mower (from the garage to the front yard) – $10
Sweat and color deterioration to clothes, shoes, and hat – $10
Advanced weather forecasting (to determine chance of rain, humidity, heat index, and cloud coverage) – $15
Dermatologist visit to determine weekly risk of skin cancer – $150
Medicated sunscreen, sunblock, Sun-Shield, and sun goop – $120
Union dues – $85
Keys – $10
Navigation and pre-planning – $50
Walkman, headphones, and Coolio CD – $120
Sweet lawn-mowing gloves – $15
Sundries – $30
This is before tax and a mandatory 18% gratuity, of course (my parents could be such lousy tippers to lawn-mowers!). This Phillipsburg, New Jersey woman needs to shut up and pay her bill. How are these men supposed to enjoy WWF Sunday Night Heat without $650 for 20 minutes worth of work in their pockets?
Follow us on twitter@thefastertimes
- 1 First Openly Straight Figure Skater Comes Forward
- 2 Brooklyn Man Now Living Entirely Off Own Beard Garden
- 3 “Cra Cra” Now Official Diagnosis in New DSM (DSM-5)
- 4 OfficeMax Marketing Director Struggling to Make Staplers ‘Sexy’ and ‘Conversational’
- 5 Homeless Guy Woos Silicon Valley VCs with Low-Tech Crowdfunding Startup
- 6 Area Man Tailors Life To Be More Relevant To His Hulu Advertisements
- 7 Fan Banging Furiously on Glass Could Be the Difference in Hockey Playoffs
- 8 Survey: 88% of Eagles Fans Too Drunk To Spell Nnamdi Asomugha Last Season
- 9 Attorney Actually Starting to Believe Own Bullshit
- 10 Local Mom Won’t Stop Being First Person to Like Every Goddamn Thing Son Posts to Facebook