I have a question

This is not a new concept: people ask rhetorical questions that are not rhetorical, they are just stupid. Sometimes this happens in professional settings, like when you get pulled over by a cop because you were rushing on the highway. The first thing they say is, “Do you know why I pulled you over? ”

Do I know? Do YOU know? Whose job is this here? If I call people for work I do not go “Hello, do you know why I’m calling? It may seem like I’m taking the initiative but I’m going to go ahead and put the ball in your court.” What are you supposed to say? “Yes, officer I was speeding. I saw the speed limit and said, ‘Absolutely not. You cannot control me.’ Also, since you asked, I have some weed in the car, was that it? I just want to be honest here and give you all the facts.”

It also occurs when you haven’t seen someone in awhile. They’ll say something like this,”Where have you been hiding?”

Where have I been hiding? Super secret places. I tried to watch you from afar first but then I got much better at hiding–I can’t reveal the spots, as I’m sure you understand–but they allow me a full view of you and the things you are doing. Like that time you went to the supermarket and couldn’t find the asparagus in the veggie aisle–I was actually right there, hiding, “evading” your glances, looking at you but never revealing my position.

Then there are people who will start talking to you in the elevator. They should not do this. The elevator is one of the most awkward places in the world and it’s not for conversation. Combine unnecessary talking + unprovoked questions and you get No Exit.

This is a true story: I got into the elevator one Saturday night and it was fairly chilly outside; I say “chilly” specifically because it was not actually that cold out yet. I was wearing a scarf. Not a big deal. So this woman gets onto the elevator and immediately engages me:

Woman: It’s really cold out.

Me: Yeah

Woman: You will probably be cold in that.

Me: Oh, this scarf is pretty warm.

Woman: You should go and get a jacket.

Me: Well it’s a pretty big scarf.

Woman: That’s lucky.

Actually, it’s not a matter of luck because I chose it out on purpose. I literally saw it and said, Yes, I will wear that and my neck will be warm and if I want to turn it into a hat later because I’m feeling crazy, I can do that to because I have options and free will. What did she want me to say?

“Stop the elevator immediately! I do not want to freeze to death in this insufficient scarf that I am not really lucky to have, even though there are children starving in Africa who—if they were cold and not just hungry—would want this scarf, because it will never shield me from the bitter cold of May. Somehow God is trying to reach me through this angel disguised as a bitch in the elevator. He thought he could trick me but No! I will trust this angel, this Gabriel here, because she knows best.”

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