“Sisterwives,” Season 2, Episode 8: Waking Up in Vegas

Greetings, polygamy enthusiasts! What’s that you say? You’re not a Kody sympathizer? You don’t have three wives? Then why are you still watching this show? It can’t possibly be the compelling storyline. I have an excuse, because I have an obligation. You, loyal viewer, do not!

Perhaps you enjoy watching frazzled people pack things in boxes? Maybe you derive a sick pleasure from watching Kody’s life crumble (note: this does not make you a bad person. This makes you human.) Maybe you think Robyn is hot, in a mom-jeans kind of way. Oh, I bet I know what it is, you perv. You were watching Strange Sex and you’re either too lazy or too horrified to move enough to change the channel. Whatever reason, it doesn’t matter. We’re all in this together now. We’ve made it this far. Our crusade is nearly over; we’ve almost reached the holy land…

…which is the OPPOSITE of where the Sisterwives and their brood is headed. Sin City, baby! Where the loose women shine and the rivers flow with libations. Perfect place for an uber-religious sub-sect of Mormons! Let’s dig in!

Didn’t this one kind of start out dark? We began with all the faded flashbacks of happier times, with various interjections of presently depressed Kody using his furrowed brow to communicate his sadness. Back and forth, back and fourth. Happy Kody, hugging Happy Janelle – BAM, sad eyebrows. Kody Kourting Robyn – SAD FACE. A wedding. Cut to tears.

And that dark, dusty cloud didn’t subside when Kody called a family meeting to tell the kids how they were moving …in three days. And all the middle-schoolers, known for their emotional maturity, handled it well. They understood their parents’ reasons and were able to grasp the scope of the situation. Just kidding! Everyone cried. Mariah presented a list of reasons, 99 Theses if you will, about why she should be able to stay in Utah. Number one on her list? “The dance.” Oh, to be young!
“I can’t move right now, because I have to go to this really important high school dance. Dad, pleeeeease!” Ah, youth. Wasted on the young. Get off my lawn!

For the record, if anyone from The Academy is reading (Hire me!) you should probably consider those kids for an Oscar. The way they reacted, completely unprompted, went something like this:

Kody: We’re moving to Las Vegas!
Young girl: When are we moving?
Kody: …three days.
Cue Oscar worthy reaction shots.

You can’t teach that kind of intuition. It’s a good thing they’re moving so close to Hollywood, because someone needs an agent! Those reaction shots! I couldn’t believe their sincerity. Mostly because his is reality TV (kind of). It gave me hope that in this giant reality TV monster, there may be a scrap of actuality left for this great world of inauthentic television.

Approximately seventeen minutes into the episode, Logan made his first appearance. Stoically, he reminds his mother how he’s already packed her cooking books. So helpful! His mom might be coming undone, but he’s keeping a level head. What a man. What a mighty good man. Say it again, now!

And what about when Meri packed up her valuables with her dead sister’s newspaper obituaries? You know, usually I’m all about trying to lift Meri out of the dark and tangled abyss in which she generally resides. I’m Meri’s cheerleader! But then she goes and does somethinglike this, and it just makes it really hard to want her to get happy. In her celebration of
sadness, Meri had never felt more alive.

Oh! A ray of sunshine! They found a temporary place to reside. I’m not quite sure how I feel about this arrangement, because it seems they ook me up on my fake suggestion to reside in a brothel. Anytime someone says “rental house with a lot of rooms in Las Vegas,” I raise my eyebrows.

Things are looking up. The Browns have a place to stay. Even the kids are coming around. One of Kody’s kidseven hugged him, but only after a $20 bribe. But this is the Brown family, and every molehill will be magnified to the elevation of Everest. Do they have enough room in the trailer for EVERY BED?! Should we get another trailer?! What should we bring?! Everything is CHAOS! Loki reigns, and for about 25 minutes, we watch people pack. Seriously.

Thirty eight minutes into the episode, Logan becomes stern. It’s up to him to govern this family, because we all know Kody can’t exactly kontrol his klan. Logan the one everyone looks toward in a time of crisis, not Kody. Kody is the type of man to leave the scene of the crisis, with the keys to the getaway car. I know this because, he did that. That very scenario. Kudos, Kody!
Finally, everything is ready. Here we go, time to hit the open road! Nothing but dusty trails ahead. When suddenly… flat tire. On that stupid Lexus. Haven’t I always had a beef with that stupid luxury sports car? We call that foreshadowing. Or maybe karma. Either way, you don’t need a two-seater Lexus for a family of 21.

I’d like to say that’s the end of the Browns’ roadside woes, but alas! Misfortune strikes again, in the form of two more flat tires. And somewhere a TLC intern got promoted for littering the Utah highway with nails before Kody’s departure. The coincidence is too outstanding.

But anyway, in an uneventful twist, the Browns finally reach their destination. Kody says something about Nevada’s degree of tolerance, comparing Vegas to Plymouth Rock. Yes, Kody. And, you know, maybe compared to their neighbor state, Nevada is pretty tolerant. But then again, when you border New Mexico, it doesn’t take much. If you haven’t tried to build a fence around your state, congratulations – you’re more tolerant than New Mexico.

They enter their new home with an equal mix of hope and suspicion. Everything looks… clean. No dead bodies in the closet, no bats in the fireplace. The Browns begin the uncomfortable ritual of settling into a temporary home. Their fragile life already blustered by this move, they realize things might never be the same. But that’s what you get for waking up in Vegas. Remember what you told me. Don’t be a baby.

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