“Sisterwives,” Season 2, Episode 7: Crisis on Couch-Party Island

Sisterwives, on the lamb! Its Bonnie and Bonnie and Bonnie and Bonnie and Clyde!

Riddle time! Where’s the most logical place for five polygamous Mormons to move? Vegas! Yeah, Vegas. It’s a lot closer to Hollywood than Utah, you know? All I’m saying is… I see where you’re going with this, Kody. You have a Lifetime movie in the works if this all sorts itself out. Seriously, though, how does this make sense for you? It’s Sin City, and you’re extremist Mormons. And I know Mormons: my high school’s prom queen was Mormon. They DON’T belong in Vegas, where it’s LEGAL to sleep with someone for money. Except it is the land of 1,000 hasty marriages, so I guess there’s that.

Kody and his two (skinniest) wives ship out to Sin City, because huge houses grow on trees in California (looking at you, Real Housewife franchise). I don’t know why you’d pick Robyn, because she seems like the least helpful person when house shopping. Math is hard and she probably has to go to the bathroom a lot, so I don’t really see this being all too convenient.

It’s difficult for the Browns to find a home in Vegas that accommodates their lifestyle. Mostly because 16 bedroom houses with 4 separate kitchens don’t really exist outside of Crazytown, Utah. Unless… and I’m only saying this because you were thinking it, too, but… I bet the Bunny Ranch has the perfect set-up. Tons on bedrooms, entertainment for the kids… Of course, I insist the usual residents vacate, but after they leave the Browns can enjoy a HUGE house with LOTS of privacy!

Anyway, in all this turmoil, sweet sweet Logan reminds us to be positive. What’s that? You want to look out for the younger set? You are so brave. Let’s all raise our glass in honor of his triumphant spirit, and his perfect cheekbones. Every time I hear him, he’s saying something wonderful. He’s so mature for his age (which is 17… don’t judge me! It’s love!). Here’s a quote from Logan: “Real men do dishes.” And here’s a quote from my boyfriend: “Sally, if I put the toilet seat down, I just have to lift it up again next time I pee.”

I would like to take Logan to Meri’s 70’s themed birthday party. I will wear the stupid swirly tie-dye pants, and I will braid my hair even though that was actually popular in the 60’s but no one ever realizes that and just abuses this theme. I will even spare him this rant about how historically inaccurate most party-city 70’s themed concepts are. I will fight the urge to dress up as an ironic Margaret Thatcher.

I will hold my tongue while I eat homemade cupcakes and bump into cheap plastic peace signs. I will not turn down dances from Kody even though it really creeps me out. I will not question why you bought a disco ball and then turned it on, with every other light in your weirdly arranged house. And when I want to, I will look at Logan, and see why it’s all worth it.

The Browns trip to Vegas was in vain, and so was the shallow yet sincere attempt to make Meri smile. Immediately after the party (the cake wasn’t even scraped into the trash!) they learned the offer on their 4 back-to-back houses was rejected. So, to recap: they’re moving to Vegas in seven days, with no housing prospects. Half of their family (to be fair, they’re under eleven) doesn’t know they’re moving. That’s a great way to shock your kids and scar them for life: “Hey! We’re moving in a week. Say goodbye to your friends! I can’t tell you if the new house has a pool because I don’t know where the new house is!”

But according to the promos for next episode, the move is happening! And they must have solved their housing crisis, because Meri is angrily throwing boxes into a van. Throw as hard as you can, Meri, but the hurt is on the inside. And you can pack as long and as hard as you want, but it’s not going away.

I suggest Meri takes a trip to Vegas by herself. Spend a lot of time walking around. Talk to no one, watch everyone. If you need to stand in a water-sculpture, do it. Don’t care what anyone says. When you’re done with that, drive to an empty house, like the ones you and Kody checked out. Walk in, note the emptiness, and scream. Scream for Kody, scream for the investigation, and scream for yourself. Let all the little boxes out.

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