“Sister-wives,” Episode 6, Season 2: Polygaristmas!

Image via TLC

There was Halloween in April, and now Christmas in May: The Browns are all about celebrations, on a 5 month delay.

In this episode, nothing really happened! Surprise! This family better hurry up and move, and when they do move, the better move in next to Jesse James or Spencer Pratt or (gasp!) a black person. Their move better trigger the apocalypse or else this might become the most boring show on TLC. You, know, the same channel with a show about women who are really good at couponing.

Anyway, their investigation is still going on. According to everyone crammed on that tiny, awkward, uncomfortable couch, the potential consequences of their polygamy investigation is the mandatory division of their family. According to me, maybe that’s a consequence of living in Utah. Not necessarily because Utah has a ton of polygamists (and if they do, they aren’t on a television show) but because I’m thinking the crime rate in Utah is pretty low. From the state that just expelled a star basketballer for premarital sex, me thinks the Utah police are just really excited to have something to do.

Anyway, Christmastime! Snow and trees and presents! The four wives head over to The Christmas Tree Lot ™, run by Lord Matt, known all over Utah for his charm and wit. From the snow capped mountains to the lows of the vallies, sisterwives everywhere speak of Lord Matt’s charms. The Ladies, despite Kody’s incessant allure, weren’t impervious to his flashy ways. They all ooohed and awwwwed at Lord Matt’s Christmas tree mating dance, and all giggled when he presented
mistletoe. Good thing these women are used to sharing, because all of them wanted some stoner Christmas tree farm owner. And don’t think that was lost on him, either.

Frighteningly enough, the next shot we see is one of Meri on the roof. Don’t jump, Meri! It’s not worth it! We need you here to look at blank walls and sigh heavily about things that don’t actually concern yo- oh wait. She’s hanging Christmas lights? That’s… nice. Good for you, Meri. Good for you. Maybe the transitive property of twinkles means you might get the spark back into your eye. We’re cheering for you, girl. You hang those lights!

Anyway, the Browns take six hours to pack everything they own into every car they have. Kody is stressed and acting out, putting his wives in their places with burns like “I really don’t like you right now.” Stuff that really stings.

They finally get to the cabin, and unload the entire contents of their house. Their quaint, pastoral cabin is transformed into a nightmarish vision from Hoarders. Side note: I don’t quite see how this trip is supposed to be relaxing. Like, their rental cabin is brimming with needless shit, and they’re all stuck, all twenty one of them, in this small cabin in the woods. No phone, no internet. Just Kody’s Komedy. And it’s -7 degrees outside. And they just spent a whole day packing everything they own for the span of a four day prison sentence in the Utah mountains.

Who wouldn't wanna spend four days in a cabin with this guy?

Standard Christmastime activities commence: a turkey is cooked, a tree is decorated, presents are opened. There’s a scene with a hottub, but if you didn’t see it, trust me: it’s not as hot as it sounds.

There was a brief moment of hysteria when Meri ran her sled into the side of the house (not on purpose [allegedly]) but other than that, nothing really happened. They’re moving in less than a month and I’m not even excited about it. It better rip this family apart, or no one’s gonna care about their stupid investigation or their stupid drama or their stupid division of chores (Jenelle hates going to the grocery store with everyone!). The last twenty minutes were spent discussing this move, but it was just… lackluster. I watched the show for the first time with someone who’s never seen it, and they were totally creeped out. They had so many questions!

Which made me wistfully reminisce to a time when this was all new to me. Before I was jaded, like Meri. When I wondered “do they all sleep in the same bed?” or “How can they afford everything?” Before I became an adult, and accepted that Kody’s Lexus is leased, and their life is pretty normal if you spend thirty minutes a week watching the show, and then some time after writing about it.

And like the Browns and their efforts to shove further into the woods, to get back to their weird family roots and focus on their relationships, I too wanted to go back to those simpler times.

Sally Skinner is a senior at the University of Georgia. If you would like to hire her, she thinks this is a fantastic idea and would love to work for you. She enjoys watching a lot of television and e ...read more