101 Terrible Jokes About the Virginia Man Who Dressed as a Cow and Stole Milk from Walmart

This one is for you, Virginia man who dressed up as a cow, walked into a Walmart, stole 26 gallons of milk, walked right out of the store, and was promptly arrested.

A Virginia man was arrested yesterday after stealing 26 gallons of milk from Walmart while dressed in a cow costume…

1. He would have gotten away, but he was spotted.

2. If convicted, the man has said that he will try to get the ruling overturned on a-veal.

3. Police have not released a moo-tive.

4. Neighbors who knew the suspect say that his arrest is an udder surprise.

5. Police have the probability that the culprit is not the suspect in custody at 2%.

6. An on-duty cop saw the cow with the milk and knew something wasn’t kosher.

7. He will only be charged with stealing 13 gallons, however, as milk was on sale for calf off.

8. The suspect claims that the whole thing was masterminded by an older man in a chicken costume, but police caution that this is likely a cock and bull story.

9. Responsibility for the theft has been taken by Al-Cowda.

10. Jail time is possible, but it’s more likely the culprit will just get com-moo-nity service.

A Virginia man was arrested yesterday after stealing 26 gallons of milk from Walmart while dressed in a cow costume…

11. Police have booked him at the station and are sending him to the highest-security prison for such crimes: Alfalfatraz.

12. You would think that the female greeter would have seen the man walk out the store, but he went right pasteurize.

13. The culprit said he would have paid for the milk, but he forgot to bring moolah.

14. A representative for Kirstie Alley declined to comment.

15. He will be charged with one count of larceny, and one count of moo-der in the first degree.

16. Though the man confessed to the crime when apprehended by police, the confession will never hold in court, as the cops forgot to read him his moo-randa rights.

17. It is unclear whether the man will be charged in Virginia, where the crime was committed, or in his home state of Cowifornia.

18. Though the man initially made it out of the store, he was spotted by police cruisers in his getaway car, a Cattleac.

19. A representative for Lady Gaga says it was all a big misunderstanding and shooting for the “Judas” video will resume on Monday.

20. No one has come forward to identify the man, because the witnesses have all been cowed into silence.

A Virginia man was arrested yesterday after stealing 26 gallons of milk from Walmart while dressed in a cow costume…

21. In other news, Chik-fil-A will have a special on milk today and tomorrow at participating locations.

22. The cops won’t go so far as to say that the suspect was resisting arrest, but to get him into the cop car certainly took some prodding.

23. Police say that the theft was personally motivated, as apparently the suspect and the manager of the Walmart had some kind of beef.

24. When asked whether the man had in fact been dressed as a cow-buffalo hybrid, investigators responded, “No, he was wholly cow.”

25. When asked why how he got out of the store without paying for the milk, the man replied that he simply went through the lane for “15 Items or Mooer.”

26. A Virginia man was arrested yesterday after stealing 26 gallons of milk from Walmart while dressed in a cow costume. The suspect was arraigned in court for a moo-ving violation.

27. It wasn’t clear whether the man would be able to scrap enough money together to post bail, but relatives were bullish about his prospects.

28. A Virginia man was arrested yesterday after stealing 26 gallons of milk from Walmart while dressed in a cow costume. Strange, but not as strange when you hear that the next day, a cow was arrested after stealing 26 gallons of urine while dressed in a human costume at the same Walmart.

29. A Virginia man was arrested yesterday after stealing 26 gallons of milk from Walmart while dressed in a cow costume. In his defense, it was 5:30 PM on a Thursday, so it was a real zoo in there.

30. A Virginia man was arrested yesterday after stealing 26 gallons of milk from Walmart while dressed in a cow costume. He was a single father just trying to feed his infant daughter, who has leukemia.

A Virginia man was arrested yesterday after stealing 26 gallons of milk from Walmart while dressed in a cow costume…

31. His attorneys asked for leniency due to his family situation, but the jury wasn’t moo-ved.

32. It is still unclear whether the man will fined, jailed, or force-fed to the point of his stomach exploding, brutally slaughtered without warning, and then made into an industrial adhesive.

33. As a U.S. citizen he has the right to an attorney, and if he cannot afford an attorney, a shitload of cud.

34. This makes him the most classily-dressed person to ever get arrested in a Walmart.

35. The perpetrator was caught fleeing from the crime scene; he would have drove a car, but he didn’t have the balls to steer.

36. The man will be expected to pay back the cost of 26 gallons of milk at Walmart, or $4.13.

37. Also yesterday, Walmart was arrested for being a shitty company that pays horrible wages and treats its employees like dirt.

38. When reached for comment, the man’s wife said “Mooooooooooooooooooo.”

39. In other news, Lindsay Lohan bought a black-and-white polka dot dress in Washington D.C. two days ago and hasn’t been seen since.

40. The man was actually trying to steal more milk, but on the 27th gallon he became violently ill and threw up everywhere.

A Virginia man was arrested yesterday after stealing 26 gallons of milk from Walmart while dressed in a cow costume…

41. And economists say the recovery isn’t going well!

42. Some say the man will move on quickly from the attention this incident will undoubtedly bring him, but something tells me he’s going to milk it for all it’s worth.

43. Some say that the man must have been aided by an accomplice also dressed as a cow, though investigators don’t suspect anyone Elsie.

44. Some can’t understand why he didn’t have a getaway car in the parking lot, but those people have clearly never seen a cattle drive.

45. When asked how much he thought the 28 gallons of milk cost, the man confessed that he wasn’t sure, as he was never very good at cowculus.

46. He is currently being held in the bull-pen.

47. Manager Jim Riggleman said Livan is not expected to miss his next start.

48. A Pew/Gallup poll has him tied with Donald Trump for the Republican nomination.

49. PETA threw a party, mistakenly assuming the day of animal rebellion had finally come.

50. His coworkers reported that recently he had been acting very moody.

A Virginia man was arrested yesterday after stealing 26 gallons of milk from Walmart while dressed in a cow costume…

51. The cops captured him fairly easily though, as they already had the Walmart on steakout.

52. He faces up to 6 months in prison with time off for good be-hay-vior.

53. Fortunately, the theft took place at one of the first Super Walmarts in America, and the old McDonald’s had a farm.

54. The police of Stafford County have apologized to Justice Scalia and offered to reimburse him for the rips in his tuxedo caused by the arrest.

55. Citizens of the town agreed that this was the lamest act of Rumspringa of all time.

56. The suspect is in custody and will report to moonicipal court first thing Monday morning.

57. The cops caught the man just as he was about to hoof it out of there.

58. He was caught hesitating in front of a confusing pattern of white and black lines near the exit.

59. When asked whether the policemen’s shots hit any customers during the arrest, the manager replied, “No, but one was grazed.”

60. The suspect is currently in prison, where he has better healthcare and makes more money than any employee of Walmart.

A Virginia man was arrested yesterday after stealing 26 gallons of milk from Walmart while dressed in a cow costume…

61. Currently in prison, he is bunking with 75 other men, all leaning ever so gently against each other and sleeping on their feet.

62. He was spotted and turned in by a disgruntled waitress, who also reported that he didn’t tip very well.

63. Experts say the Virginia police force would have pulled him over sooner had the culprit stolen chocolate milk.

64. The suspect tried to lay low for a while, but really, where can a cow hide?

65. For an attorney, the cow is expected to hire his cousin, Gloria Allred.

66. Walmart workers originally called the police for public indecency, as this was the first time in the store’s history that a cow had entered a Walmart not wearing humongous jean overalls.

67. In response, the Department for Homeland Security has raised the national threat level to “undulated.”

68. Reached for comment, a local cattle rancher said, “Well, shit, and just when I can’t afford to lose one of my girls to jury duty.”

69. Usually the manager of this Walmart likes a good joke, but on this day he wasn’t in the moo-ed.

70. Walmart is expected to beef up its security in response.

A Virginia man was arrested yesterday after stealing 26 gallons of milk from Walmart while dressed in a cow costume…

71. Legal experts put the odds of the man getting off without jail time at half and half.

72. Internal records show that he consistently received better performance reviews than female cows in the same position.

73. Police are still ruminating about a possible motive.

74. The suspect claims that it’s a case of misteaken identity.

75. Luckily, no one was herd.

76. Some witnesses report that the man was joined by an accomplice in a chicken costume, though police have no reason to suspect fowl play.

77. When asked why he needed 26 gallons of milk, the man replied, “Governor Christie has poison ivy.”

78. Incidentally, this is also the title of the next Fiona Apple album.

79. When asked if local residents were frightened by the crime, one woman responded, “Who’s afraid of a Virginia Cow?”

80. A police spokesman said, “Look, we’re not pointing any fingers, but Bob McDonnell has a farm.”

A Virginia man was arrested yesterday after stealing 26 gallons of milk from Walmart while dressed in a cow costume…

81. Local residents called the use of an animal disguise “cowardly”.

82. Which is funny, because I thought “The Tom Green Show” was canceled years ago.

83. A rights group is claiming police abuse after a prison officer pushed the suspect over while he was sleeping.

84. Haynesworth is not expected to miss the first day of training camp, however.

85. Given the man’s fragile mental state, experts expect the defendant to plead mad cow.

86. That may sound like a lot of milk for one man to hold, but not when you consider that he also stole three double-door refrigerators.

87. The Virginia State Police reported that the culprit had been apprehended, and also that he was “delicious once you added enough tabasco.”

88. Police aren’t sure why he stole so much, as there was plenty of milk available in the calf-eteria.

89. And while the man in question did steal a lot of milk, it should be noted that he had given up acting like a huge jackass for Lent, so it had been a while .

90. Though multiple witnesses report clearly seeing a human in a bovine outfit, police spokesmen, unable to discuss the specifics of a pending case, insist that they don’t have a cow-man.

A Virginia man was arrested yesterday after stealing 26 gallons of milk from Walmart while dressed in a cow costume…

91. An accomplice was arraigned on charges of lactating and abetting.

92. Police admitted that this was better than a man dressed in a robber costume stealing money from a bank.

93. He would have gotten away, but the cops quickly put out an all points bull-etin.

94. His failure to get away with the crime will likely go down as one of history’s greatest cow-a-bungles.

95. Later that day, a man stole 26 gallons of milk from a Whole Foods store while dressed in a grass-fed cow costume.

96. He was sent to jail after police discovered that he had also been carrying 4 ounces of grass.

97. The man was not stopped at the door because, in a cost cutting measure, Walmart’s security team had been put out to pasture.

98. The cashier who refused to ring up the man’s purchases has been criticized for his lactose intolerance.

99. For the employees, it was the only bright spot in a day filled with drudgery and despair.

100. When asked why he preferred to steal from Walmart, the man replied, “good branding.”

101. He’s in cudstody.

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