It’s Official: Taco Bell Is Trying to Murder You
Since its first franchise opened in 1962, Taco Bell has been slowly but surely trying to murder all of its patrons. Remember the movie Se7en, with Brad Pitt, Morgan Freeman, and an unnecessary digit in its title? Though good, that movie could have easily cut 20 minutes off its running time by just having the sins of gluttony and sloth be represented by a Taco Bell drive-thru.
Before recently, though, it seemed that Taco Bell was going about murdering its customers in a rather benign way. It was like a little boy you see wrestling with his father in the swimming pool. “Oh, that’s cute, that little boy thinks he can take down his dad. And the dad is playing along! What a good guy.”
Well, that little boy in the pool just went through puberty and is now taller and stronger and hairier than his father ever was. By which I mean, Taco Bell is testing out a taco shell made of Doritos:
I know this is a logical fallacy, but when was the last time anyone in the corporate Taco Bell chain sent out a press release that explicitly stated Taco Bell was not trying to murder its customers? Has that ever happened? If not, then what proof do we have–indeed!–that Taco Bell is NOT trying to murder its customers? Certainly, from the video above, it would appear that they ARE in fact trying to murder its customers, and that they are doing a pretty good job of murder.
A taco shell made of Doritos. Is this the best PR move for a company that was recently called out for its fake beef filling, a company that is more associated with ‘diarrhea’ than perhaps any other company in America? They should be making taco shells made of Pepto, not Dorito.
They are out of control, and they are trying to kill you and me.
Business Flannel is a writing collective / sketch comedy troupe. Follow us on Facebook.
Follow us on twitter@thefastertimes
- 1 Amanda Bynes’s Behavior Revealed to Be Elaborate PSA
- 2 Obama Horrified by the Grammar in Our Emails
- 3 Monster Fart Prompting Management to Rethink “Open Office”
- 4 NSA Demanded Access To Un-Filtered Instagram Photos
- 5 Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson Ambushed By Alan ‘The Paper’ Rubinstein
- 6 ‘Licensed to Kim Jong Il’ Records 27th Straight Year Atop N. Korean Charts
- 7 Vice Magazine Now Only Hiring Writers Who Fail Drug Test
- 8 Henry Cavill to be Replaced by Stack of Pancakes in “Man of Steel” Sequel
- 9 Stanley Cup Final One Blowout Away From “Boston Massacre” Headline Outrage
- 10 Taco Bell Now Just Dumping Bags of Doritos Into Everything On Menu