“Sister Wives,” (Season 2, Episode 5): Down the Rabbit Hole

Today on Sisterwives: A colonoscopy! Uh, are you serious? 1. Why? 2. No. I didn’t sign up for this.

But first, a dinner party. Gotta start at the mouth, to get to the… hey! What do Polygamists have for a dinner party? Humans? Kidding. Probably steak. But not caffeine! Pardon all my cheap shots.

Before we can get to the fun stuff, we must have a little serious talk. All the moms talk about what would happen if they weren’t able to care for their children – it’s an “unspoken rule” the other moms would take over. But Robyn’s situation is a little different. Her kids have a different dad, which means if something happens, her kids might not go to KlanKody. After she said that, Janelle was like “Oh, I’d fight for them. I’d totally fight for them,” and Robyn agreed, like she was NOT letting her kids go to their dad. Which makes me wonder – what happened to Robyn’s first husband? Is there bad blood? I NEED TO KNOW.

On a lighter note, friendship appreciation dinner. WTF? I’m gonna have a friendship appreciation dinner and invite all my awkward friend. But unfortunately, all my friends are drunks so I can’t see this going as well as the Brown Family Supper. When the main course is Miller High Life, I guess that’s what you get. If we get through the dinner without an appearance from our extended family, the Athens Clarke County Police, I’ll count the dinner as a success.

This dinner requires a lot of planning. Sofas must be moved. Tables must be shifted. Polygamists care a lot about feng shui. Laying on the floor with your three sisterwives really invites the chi in. Your weird husband busting in on the little pow-wow chases it out, permanently.

5:00 AM – day of colonoscopy. Kolonoscopy with Kody. I would be like, “this is kind of awkward to have on television, why am I seeing the inside of Meri’s colon?” but at the same time, it’s not a bad idea to have a routine screening. This is my PSA: you’re never too young to get tubes up your but. I’m getting one AS I WRITE THIS. And Kody drove me in his Lexus. Gah, I’m going to hell (when I die of colon cancer). Sorry I’m insensitive. But seriously, kudos to Meri for talking about the uncomfortable issue of colon health.

My roommate just walked in and made this observation – Poor Meri. She has everything wrong with her. She can’t have kids, she has to have this camera rammed up her hindquarters. And while she’s out, she has to have Kody hover over her and play doctor. Woman can’t catch a break. But her real doctor was such a sweetheart! He looked like an oompa-loompa from the remake of Willy Wonka. Dr. Ooompa-Loompa was so jovial. There’s some more silver lining. If I have to have such an uncomfortable procedure, I hope it’s with Dr. Jolly.

And finally, this Friendship appreciation dinner is happening. Poor Meri had to go through so much just to sit in a corner by herself. The women cooked and Kody karried in chairs. So helpful! All the wives tell us the presence of Kody makes things more difficult because they all have to suck up to Kody and worry about each other’s feelings. Personally, I think the season finale will end when all the women divorce Kody and marry each other. That would be awesome. I would be for that. Janelle would obvs be the Dad-Mom. Sister-Husband.

OMG EVERYONE QUIET. The dinner party is starting. Or, as I like to call it, wife #5 audition! Did anyone notice how that one guy was really excited to learn Janelle was a sisterwife? Like, really excited. He’s gonna be wife #5. He was way too thrilled in a weird gossipy way about this development in his co-worker’s life. This dinner party is so strange. All these weird people talking about polygamy and eating Ambrosia. But at least they’re having a good time? I don’t know. Personally, I would think it would be an awkward event. Just the name alone: friendship appreciation dinner. It sets it up to be kind of surreal. Like, what do you do? Play games? Toast each other?

Meanwhile, we learn more about Meri’s risk. As Kody says: “If they’re cancerous, then there’s some real concern” Good one, Dr. Kody. You’re really astute. You should be a doctor. Anyway. But everything was fine, and Meri got a clean bill of health. And she smiled, for the first time. She remembered her good friends, weird as they may be, and her non cancerous polyps, and she smiled. Everything was going to be just fine.

Also, did anyone else see the preview for the next 4 episodes? It looks INTENSE. But… I’ve been watching this show long enough to know the editors can take the smallest molehill and craft it into the most daunting, looming mountain ever. These women cry a lot, and Kody makes that stupid serious face all the time, so the editors have a lot to work with. But in all actuality, very little ever happens in this show. Like, I spent the last 30 minutes watching a woman get a colonoscopy. Just saying.

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