Dear Enrique Iglesias,
When I was in middle school and there were slow dances, I thought you were pretty cool. However, it’s come to my attention that you are getting increasingly creepy. I think it’s time to talk about your lyrics, the “message” you’re delivering. I just want to line up these three lyrics/song titles chronologically:
1. Don’t turn off the lights
2. You can run, you can hide, but you can’t escape my love.
3. Tonight, I’m fucking you.
Let me start by saying I appreciate that you were finally like screw it, you know what? I want to fuck you and I’m doing it tonight. (Don’t worry, I wasn’t “tricked” when the radio put in “Love” instead; I used my intuition and knew what you meant. No more hoopla with all this running and lights bullshit. I just want to fuck.)
And hey, thanks for my input. “Oooh Enrique, what are you doing tonight?” “Tonight I’m fucking you.” “Cool, I’ll meet you in the room in 5 minutes.” I can only imagine that then you would be like, “You can run, you can hide, but you can’t escape my love.” And, assuming my light jog is a sign that I can’t escape you, you can bet I won’t turn off the lights.
Business Flannel is a writing collective / sketch comedy troupe. Follow us on Facebook.
Follow us on twitter@thefastertimes
- 1 First Openly Straight Figure Skater Comes Forward
- 2 Brooklyn Man Now Living Entirely Off Own Beard Garden
- 3 “Cra Cra” Now Official Diagnosis in New DSM (DSM-5)
- 4 OfficeMax Marketing Director Struggling to Make Staplers ‘Sexy’ and ‘Conversational’
- 5 Homeless Guy Woos Silicon Valley VCs with Low-Tech Crowdfunding Startup
- 6 Area Man Tailors Life To Be More Relevant To His Hulu Advertisements
- 7 Fan Banging Furiously on Glass Could Be the Difference in Hockey Playoffs
- 8 Survey: 88% of Eagles Fans Too Drunk To Spell Nnamdi Asomugha Last Season
- 9 Attorney Actually Starting to Believe Own Bullshit
- 10 Local Mom Won’t Stop Being First Person to Like Every Goddamn Thing Son Posts to Facebook