“Sister Wives,” Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Journey to the Center of Wyoming
TLC’s Sisterwives are back!
A quick re-cap: When we last left our heroes, the tides were turning in the happy 3 kitchen home of Kody, that guy who was really cool in high school; Meri, the saddest creature; and Bev and Dina, whose names I can really never remember but whose voices will forever permeate my dreams. The waters were calm in their weird Utah compound, until stupid Quarterback Kody introduced his new wife, Head Cheerleader Robyn, and the dynamics became more complicated – or just complicated enough for a TLC show!
As the season drew to an end, viewers were left with so many questions: Will Meri really lose her job? Why are we strangely infatuated with modest wedding dresses? How did Kody afford his Lexus? TLC tried to provide some clarity with their “Sisterwives Tell All” special, but it was more of an excuse for Kody to test out his “humor.”
(Aside: Kody really is terrible. How he found four willing women to marry him is beyond me, but I think it has something to do with his rented Lexus. Poor sad Meri, his first wife, probably didn’t know what she was getting herself into, which might be why she’s so sad all the time. She always looks like her eyes are just reaching a little farther than their intended subject, maybe pointed wistfully toward Colorado, or, dare I say, California? If she could just get out, just break free from the weird religious bond she never signed up for… No, it’ll never happen. Meri shook her head, the visions faded, and she reassumed her life of solitude and quiet loneliness. In a household of 20+ people, the silence deafens Meri.)
But enough of that! Back to Student Body President Robyn, who always seemed a little too eager to make the other sisterwives happy. Not in an “if-you-know-what-I-mean” way, but more of a “runt of the litter” kind of way. Bev and Dina were not too excited about KodyBrah’s new addition, and they let him know it by quietly crying alone in the corner and other mean sorority girl tricks. Robyn saw this, and wondered how she could make the transition smoother. America saw this and wondered why she would even bother, considering she’s kind of marrying into a household with three other wives. Poor Robyn, she just wants everyone to get along. Such a pleaser. She can’t help that she’s a young and hot thing! Deal, Bev!
This brings us up to the current times: Kody and his backup singers are famous, and now everyone knows about… their “lifestyle!” Even the government, which is awkward, since polygamy is illegal and all. What will they do now? The little leprechauns who work at TLC must’ve been working overtime when they happened upon this little gem of a family. Or Kody is really THAT terrible of a person to sell his soul, and the souls of four other women and 385 children, to a network known for bossy, hoarding toddlers and grownup “professionals” who spend all day playing with balloons.
Which brings us to Season 2, Episode 1! They’re still crammed on that stupid couch, and Kody still has his stupid tan lines from using too large goggles in the tanning bed. And they’re still relentlessly trying to justify their polygamist lifestyle. But this time, they’re relocating! To Wyoming (or Y-oming, if you subscribe to Head Cheerleader Robyn’s rules of phonetics) to get away from all the self-inflicted attention, and as Kody says about 1,000 times, to “play cowboy.” No, but seriously. He says that.
We start off like any road trip – with Kody saying goodbye to the rest of his family with a loving “I want my alone time, would you leave now?” Gah, Kody is such a jackass. Of course, all the kids and the wives have to comically cram into a too-small car, in a “Haha, there are so many of us! Because my husband has three other wives! Which is why we’re sitting three to a seat! Haha!” kind of way.
And wouldn’t you know it, the car breaks down. Car troubles on an episode about a road trip? Unbelievable. TLC is revolutionary, really. Somewhere there’s a TLC producer covered in car grease, clutching a pair of wire cutters. Anyway: the only wife who doesn’t find this situation stressful is Meri, mostly because she’s celebrating–nay, reveling–in the chaos. Perhaps the stark contrast of the grim situation finally gave her a slightly different perspective, a new lease on life. But then, the Duggars, those damn Duggars, stepped up and lent them their huge 19-child-transportation mechanism and Meri was reminded that, unlike her situation, this temporary issue was fixable. Sigh.
Anyway, they eventually get to the Y-oming Ranch, and we learn some disturbing facts:
1. Kody’s mother insisted on the polygamist relationship. As did the rest of Kody’s wives. Hm. Suuuuuure.
2. Kody’s Dad is married to Kody’s wive’s mother. Just let that sink in. Like, if your mom married you husband’s dad. But his mom was still alive and also married to her.
3. Kody kisses his mom on the lips… ewwwww. With force. Just really gross. He also says his mom would do anything for him, which is why he doesn’t feel guilty about eating her breakfast from her plate.
After they say hi to Grams, the Browns have to do work, because this is a “working vacation.” As Kody puts it, “You don’t work, you don’t eat.” That’s not vacation, that’s employment. No thank you.
First they paint a house and hilarity ensues, sort of. Kody would like you to think so. Crazy Uncle Tim came around and decided it was time to herd cattle. Uncle Tim is a lot like Kody, in the sense that he fancies himself a part time comedian. Uncle Tim wants to wrestle. Which is different than “wrassling,” which he tells the younger kids is “what you do in the backseat of a car with a woman.” Not as overtly sexual, but still creepy. Did this alarm anyone else? No, Uncle Tim, you can’t wrestle with a nine year old.
Cattle is herded with extrodoary mundanity, for the most part. One of the kids falls off a horse, which is sad. There’s nothing really funny about that. Until Cowboy Kody decides he needs to teach the horse a lesson, by climbing on top of it and yelling at his son? Not really sure how that helps, but I’m not the rancher. Kody is just, ugh. He really is terrible. First he tries to pretend to know everything about car repair, and now he’s the horse whisperer. Not falling for it, Quarterback Kody. You drive a Lexus.
Some cows were vaccinated under the watchful supervision of cow-soothsayer Uncle Tim, and all the men felt manlier for the next three hours. Dinner was served. Some wives got to sleep in hotel rooms, while others slept on the ranch. A rock was climbed.
During this episode, the grown-ups spoke a lot about their newfound fame, press, and scrutiny. Apparently things have been tough, living their illegal lifestyle! What did you expect, KodyBrah? If this was a drinking game, you’d have to take a shot every time they defended polygamy (ed. note: I want the rules to the “Sister Wives” drinking game on my desk by Tuesday morning). I mean, it’s their lives and that’s fine. (Unless you are the U.S. Government, in which case–not so fine.)
The scariest part of their justification was Grandma’s wheel analogy. Each wife was a spoke, and when you add a new wife, you add a new spoke. It takes some readjusting, but more spokes ultimately makes the wheel stronger. Scary how much sense that made? Shake it off.
I’m glad to see the Browns are back. Kody, a.k.a. America’s sweetheart, will entertain us with his wit and witticisms for another season. Let’s enjoy these moments, because they are fleeting. The Browns are in the clench of the TLC monster, and it’s only a matter of time before Kody’s on some Flavor of Love-esque show, searching for his fifth wife.
Follow us on twitter@thefastertimes
- 1 First Openly Straight Figure Skater Comes Forward
- 2 Brooklyn Man Now Living Entirely Off Own Beard Garden
- 3 “Cra Cra” Now Official Diagnosis in New DSM (DSM-5)
- 4 OfficeMax Marketing Director Struggling to Make Staplers ‘Sexy’ and ‘Conversational’
- 5 Homeless Guy Woos Silicon Valley VCs with Low-Tech Crowdfunding Startup
- 6 Area Man Tailors Life To Be More Relevant To His Hulu Advertisements
- 7 Fan Banging Furiously on Glass Could Be the Difference in Hockey Playoffs
- 8 Survey: 88% of Eagles Fans Too Drunk To Spell Nnamdi Asomugha Last Season
- 9 Attorney Actually Starting to Believe Own Bullshit
- 10 Local Mom Won’t Stop Being First Person to Like Every Goddamn Thing Son Posts to Facebook