I swear to God I don’t mean this sarcastically or as a joke. I’m just earnestly asking: Is Rick Santorum retarded?

Like all animals, humans adapt to their surroundings  – like how homeless people’s feet turn into moccasins.

I don’t wanna say Brandeis is a Jewy school, but the team mascot is a nose.

It makes sense that conservative movements are also what constipated people have.

Twice a day I look at the clock and go, “Hey! 9:11!” — then I remember to get really really sad.

People who try to seem smart say PROCEEDED a lot.

Israel is this bizarro world where Jews are gorgeous and kick-assy instead of sneezy and shirt-stainy.

It’s ok being Jewish, but I wouldn’t mind a little less nervous diarrhea.

Jesus has a heroin body.

Before you get too confident, remember: Your dad came you.

Sad Bucket List: Pet a horse. 2. Wear a velour shirt. 3. Try a plum.

In a step towards a more sensitive nation, “fatties” are now referred to as “foodies.”

Nobody “becomes” gay —  except some girls in college for a week or two.

I just found out that embedding feces deep into the roots of a shag rug is on my dog’s Bucket List.

Thinking about having sex with all the married guys who shot for the stars and have me as their “free pass.”

Congrats on your bar mitzvah. Today you are a man, which you’ll now illustrate by going apeshit over presents.

Oh shivering girls in skimpy clothes, surely you can get someone to love you without being cold, no?

Don’t

As I write this I’m in an unmoving airport security line standing completely still in a stranger’s fart.

“Puppy Mill” is too cutesy for what it is. It’s like saying “hawacaust.”

Let’s bring back calling people a boob.

I will look back on the turn of the 2nd century as a time filled with looking back on the 80′s.

Steven Tyler shops in the Funky Mom section.

How have Hoarders and Antique Roadshow not joined forces yet?

Josh Brolin & Javier Bardem both look like they’re wearing prosthetic faces over their faces.

The crotch of my tights is about 4″ below the crotch of my crotch.

It’s official! I shall express all future joy by creaming my jeans!

New

If you look close enough, you’ll notice that trees are covered in a whole mess of wooden vaginas

Your funky hat lets me know that you’re crazy

You can be confident that all Magic Mountain patrons between the ages of 19 and 25 are tripping balls.

Might cut the crotch out of my tights so I don’t feel like my vagina’s robbing a bank all day.

The men who feel I’m their perfect match tend to be long-haired close-up magic magicians.

They say a sneeze is like a little orgasm. Still, please don’t sneeze on my boobs.

Chris Columbus murdered the peaceful natives of this land, but I’m still pretty thankful for “Home Alone.”

Do the Jews also run the food banks?

I think I caught the theater bug while I was in NYC! It’s either that or gonorrhea.

It would be pretty cool if guys had to worry about period stains.

No one on suicide watch should be allowed to look in an airplane bathroom mirror.

I am practically fucking a pint of Ben&Jerry’s oatmeal cookie ice cream right now.

My dog and I take turns wondering if the other is maybe starting to die.

You can’t spell grape juice without rape juice.

Thanks mom and dad for the best World AIDS Day any girl could ask for.

3-D glasses are dried semen and fecal matter-covered hunks of plastic that you put on your eyes.

Two hours of sleep after seven hours of trying. This must be what the Holocaust was like.

Sad Children’s Book: The Giving Herpes Tree

I really appreciate when an old lady’s perfume is subtle and not nose-rapey.

White people…

Life is a re-gift

Are there any possible GREAT things an itchy asshole could mean?

I’m a Cap’n Crunch sans crunchberries kind of gal.

Photo by Stephen K. Willi

If I could pick my own condition, I’d pick rosacia.

I just saw the future and it’s terrible.

I’m not lazy – it’s just that I have a very active dream life so I have to be there a lot.

When toddlers burst into tears I pretend it’s either over Pakistan or trapped Chilean miners.

I’ve been poking holes in my birth control pills.

I think of all potential health problems, I’m most scared of the prolapsed anus.

I try to embrace stillness and listen to my inner voice, but it’s so nasal.

Why isn’t there a bone protecting our throats? There’s so much important stuff in there.

When I wear earrings for the first time in a while, an assy juice comes out of my ear holes.

I’m unable to explain what I mean by this, but Leonardo DiCaprio has a tuna face.

I try not to be as hard on myself as I am on other people.

I feel strongly that I’m great at skipping.

There’s something about lots of make-up base that screams “I’m no stranger to around-the-mouth zits.”

I am dead fucking serious when I tell you that I am moved by dance.

Dear my ob-gyn: In the future could you not wait for me to be spread eagle to bring up last week’s True Blood?

At first sight of a semi flaccid penis I always think, “Jew nose.”

Emily Post Rule #6: “When giving a handy, keep yawns INSIDE the mouth.”

Even the happiest people masturbate furiously.

My dog’s breath is heinous but I’ll miss it when he’s gone. I’ll have to bury my nose in a junkie’s asshole in leiu.

Since when were clams officially characterized as “happy?”

If I could ask God one question, I’d ask why penises have farmer’s tans.

Can’t articulate why but I am finding myself drawn to deaf men of color.

What’s the plan with underwater cities? Are we getting them?

A letter fell off the sign at the Fart Institute.

If there’s one thing I know, it’s that God wants parochial school girls to wear slutty mini skirts in his name.

“That was my asshole.” -Girl who’s embarrassed by the sound of her chair.

I know Nazis are evil, but you have to admit they’re cute when they’re super little or elderly or sleeping.

I wanna make a T shirt that says, “MR. ROGERS WAS RIGHT.”

Mexican food is the steroids of the “Most-Stuff-Shooting-Out-of-Your-Ass-In-The-Least-Amount-Of-Time” competition.

I’m worried about Tiger’s balls. They aren’t used to having the same semen in there this long.

The richest black man in NYC has got to be Duane Reade.