Sarah Silverman on Jesus, Rick Santorum, and Jews

I swear to God I don’t mean this sarcastically or as a joke. I’m just earnestly asking: Is Rick Santorum retarded?

Like all animals, humans adapt to their surroundings — like how homeless people’s feet turn into moccasins.

I don’t wanna say Brandeis is a Jewy school, but the team mascot is a nose.

It makes sense that conservative movements are also what constipated people have.

Twice a day I look at the clock and go, “Hey! 9:11!” — then I remember to get really really sad.

People who try to seem smart say PROCEEDED a lot.

Israel is this bizarro world where Jews are gorgeous and kick-assy instead of sneezy and shirt-stainy.

It’s ok being Jewish, but I wouldn’t mind a little less nervous diarrhea.

Jesus has a heroin body.

Before you get too confident, remember: Your dad came you.

Sad Bucket List: Pet a horse. 2. Wear a velour shirt. 3. Try a plum.

In a step towards a more sensitive nation, “fatties” are now referred to as “foodies.”

Nobody “becomes” gay — except some girls in college for a week or two.

I just found out that embedding feces deep into the roots of a shag rug is on my dog’s Bucket List.

Thinking about having sex with all the married guys who shot for the stars and have me as their “free pass.”

Congrats on your bar mitzvah. Today you are a man, which you’ll now illustrate by going apeshit over presents.

Oh shivering girls in skimpy clothes, surely you can get someone to love you without being cold, no?

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