Chris Columbus murdered the peaceful natives of this land, but I’m still pretty thankful for “Home Alone.”

Do the Jews also run the food banks?

I think I caught the theater bug while I was in NYC! It’s either that or gonorrhea.

It would be pretty cool if guys had to worry about…

Sometimes masturbation takes so much focus I end up just daydreaming on my stomach.

3-D glasses are dried semen and fecal matter-covered hunks of plastic that you put on your eyes.

Two hours of sleep after seven hours of trying. This must be what the Holocaust was like.

Sad Children’s…

It’s crazy that every culture has music. It’s like, WHY?

If I could pick my own condition, I’d pick rosacia.

I just saw the future and it’s terrible.

I’m not lazy – it’s just that I have a very active dream life so I have to be there a lot.

When toddlers burst into tears I pretend…