New Yorkers ask for a lot: luxury apartments in Manhattan, sprawling summer homes in the Hamptons, a baseball team with a $200 million dollar payroll, three terms for the mayor. All I’m asking for is an American version of the Japanese Super Toilet. 
Since the dawn of time, Japan has outdone the rest of the world in what some might consider the realm of unnecessary technological advancement (take for example Nintendo and Tamagotchi). Most of these products end up hitting the American marketplace, sometimes changing our lives forever, while others simply cause riots at toy stores during the holiday shopping rush.
But even when it comes to the bathroom, the Western World has been frustratingly slow in adopting Japan’s incredible technological advancements. Once and for all, I think it is time to indulge Americans with preheated toilet seats in the winter and refreshing bathroom air-conditioning in the summer.
The Japanese “Super Toilet” has a startling array of state-of-the-art features. Known as a “Washlet” in Japan, the Super Toilet’s many functions include: a pre-warmed seat, massage options, auto-lid opening with proximity sensor, blow dryer, germ-resistant seat, air conditioning, glow-in-the-dark surface, dual water jets with soap mixture, as well as music to help you relax. Oh, as well as the O-Zone deodorant system that eliminates bad smells.
If that list does not make you cry out for a Japanese toilet, there’s more. The toilets offer numerous health benefits (from healing hemorrhoids to stretching hamstrings). And it doesn’t stop here. Coming attractions include built-in medical systems that will analyze your urine and send the information directly to your doctor via wireless Internet.
If you find yourself in Japan or are lucky enough to saddle one of the few super toilets to be found here in the USA, you will instantly find yourself perplexed by the forty button LCD control panel because the instructions are written only in Kanji. You could very quickly wind up with your toilet playing an unstoppable cycle of Mendelssohn’s Op. 62., or a stream of soapy water straight to the eyes.
So on this note I make a plea. I don’t think it’s asking much. I just want a fully functioning, English language, Japanese toilet.
Gabriel Wilson
Gabriel Wilson is a graduate of Tufts University. He works in the film business in New York City. He was the recipient of the Tufts University Creative Writing Award for poetry, and his film ”John School” was a prize winner at the Columbia University Undergraduate ...
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Margaret Lazarus says:
O.K., I will admit, I wanted one too. For my birthday I got a washlet seat, not all the bells and whistles, but hot and cold water jets and that was enough to make me happy. Good story
P West says:
Try the Brondell Swash.
Virtual Ted says:
I live in Japan and we have one of these super toilets. Nothing like a nice heated seat during those cold winter months.
hannah says:
I just experienced one of these—without the Kanji—at the strange new Japanese restaurant in the NYT building (it's called Inakaya). It is pretty fabulous, I must admit...
Fan says:
Look no further...http://www.morimotonyc.com/
I doubt they go into the dirty details on the website, but they've got legit front and back bidet japanese toilets.
Robert Sanfilippo says:
Here you go. This is where we bought one.
http://www.totousa.com/
Joe Berman says:
This just in: There is indeed an new model soon to be released that will offer an English operating console. Consumers are being cautioned however not to just jump right in, as these first English versions will become obsolete approximatlely 11 months later during which time a completly new
series incorporating the patented TRT (tuchus recognition technology)will
be flooding the market. TRT promises to recognize the user as they make
their decent to the throne and adjust music, temperature and other amenities specific to the user of the moment's needs.
Chas says:
I was amazed by the Japanese toilets during my visit to Tokyo in 2004 and I'd also love to have one however if you're still using a more traditional toilet you might like to check out The Freedom Wand Self Wipe Toilet Tissue Aid available from Marilyne Electronics . This amazing product saves you from getting your fingers dirtied when wiping your bum . Also ideal for someone excessively overweight or with short arms
Onanidaily says:
"the instructions are written only in Kanji"
Funny, from what I can see in the accompanying picture the instructions seem to be mostly Hiragana.
societymike says:
Rakuten (imagine an online japanese super Walmart), just went global and they are shipping to the US (as well as other countries.
Just a quick search on their site...
http://en.search.borderless.rakuten.com/electronics/home_appliances/electronic_toilet_seat/
Egao No Genki says:
Kohler now sells their Numi, which is supposed to trump the Toto Neorest. Their price-tag, last I read, was ~$6300. I do hope to get it one day.