Where Is My Japanese Toilet?

New Yorkers ask for a lot: luxury apartments in Manhattan, sprawling summer homes in the Hamptons, a baseball team with a $200 million dollar payroll, three terms for the mayor. All I’m asking for is an American version of the Japanese Super Toilet.

Since the dawn of time, Japan has outdone the rest of the world in what some might consider the realm of unnecessary technological advancement (take for example Nintendo and Tamagotchi). Most of these products end up hitting the American marketplace, sometimes changing our lives forever, while others simply cause riots at toy stores during the holiday shopping rush.

But even when it comes to the bathroom, the Western World has been frustratingly slow in adopting Japan’s incredible technological advancements. Once and for all, I think it is time to indulge Americans with preheated toilet seats in the winter and refreshing bathroom air-conditioning in the summer.

The Japanese “Super Toilet” has a startling array of state-of-the-art features. Known as a “Washlet” in Japan, the Super Toilet’s many functions include: a pre-warmed seat, massage options, auto-lid opening with proximity sensor, blow dryer, germ-resistant seat, air conditioning, glow-in-the-dark surface, dual water jets with soap mixture, as well as music to help you relax. Oh, as well as the O-Zone deodorant system that eliminates bad smells.

If that list does not make you cry out for a Japanese toilet, there’s more. The toilets offer numerous health benefits (from healing hemorrhoids to stretching hamstrings). And it doesn’t stop here. Coming attractions include built-in medical systems that will analyze your urine and send the information directly to your doctor via wireless Internet.

If you find yourself in Japan or are lucky enough to saddle one of the few super toilets to be found here in the USA, you will instantly find yourself perplexed by the forty button LCD control panel because the instructions are written only in Kanji. You could very quickly wind up with your toilet playing an unstoppable cycle of Mendelssohn’s Op. 62., or a stream of soapy water straight to the eyes.

So on this note I make a plea. I don’t think it’s asking much. I just want a fully functioning, English language, Japanese toilet.

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