John Smith, Pocahontas, and Ron Artest

The following is an excerpt from Ron Artest’s journal, which, unfortunately, in the annals of history has been overshadowed by his fellow explorer John Smith’s A General History of Virginia:

Ron Artest did not intend to write a world famous journal about exploration and what it means to be human, but the ship’s doctor told him to do it, told him it would help with the tossing and turning, the endless seasickness, and the dizziness that comes from staring at the stars too long. In short, a journal entry or two might shrink the distance from America back to England, and so Ron Artest began to write:

Ron Artest, the hero in this journal, was aboard a ship to England when his psychiatrist told him he better write a story, so Artest, the author, began to write:

Ron Artest told the captain on board a ship returning to England with a hull full of tobacco that every time the waves lapped against the boat, when he was sleeping in his bunk, that all he could hear were drums. They mostly sounded like this: buh dum buh dum buh dum. But sometimes they sounded like this: dum buh dum buh dum buh. The sound kept Ron Artest up he said, because he couldn’t tell the remix from the original, and that bothered him. He went to the ship’s physician and the physician handed him a quill and a scroll with which to write. Ron Artest said it might be better if he tweeted it, but the doctor didn’t know what that meant. The first words Ron Artest wrote were:

The doctors aboard the vessel did not understand Ron Artest’s predicament. He had seen some crazy stuff go down at Club Powhatan, and in the lonely hours of the night, all he could think about was how smokin’ hot that half-Asian lookin’ Powhatan princess was that made his heart sound like the buh dum buh dum buh dum of the ocean’s waves, which made Ron Artest wonder how does love go anywhere if it’s just the same sound over and over and over again. The doctor told him to write about it, so Ron Artest wrote:

For the sake of not plagiarizing the truth, Ron Artest changed his name to Metta World Peace, fed John Smith to a killer whale, and got down with Pocahontas. Queen Elizabeth was the first to follow him on Twitter.

Art by Michael Langston.

Other stories of NBA exploration to be found here.