Awkward Moments Advice: Telling a Friend About Her Ex

Dear Emily,

So one of my best friends, who is also an ex-coworker, V, dated another friend and ex-coworker, J, about a year ago. He broke up with her this past January and she was totally heart broken. He never gave a real reason, just said “you deserve better,” and it was really annoying. So it was pretty awks for a while because I would still hang out with him sometimes since we were friends, but she’d get really upset any time his name came up, so we decided I just wouldn’t tell her if I talked to him or saw him. It ended up not mattering much anyway because he and I don’t really talk much these days.

So last week I found out (by accident, because I saw something in my current coworker’s calendar) that he just got married!!! The girl is an ex of his, and I’m pretty sure she’s knocked up. When I first found out, I was so shocked and needed to tell someone, so I told one of V’s good friends that I’m also friends with. She ended up telling another close mutual friend. So now these girls want to get together with V and have a dinner or something where we sit her down and tell her the news. Do I really have to though?????

-Awks in the Office

Dear Workplace Shenanigans,

Matters of the heart and ovaries are always complicated, and perhaps especially in these tawdry days of mistletoe and Chanukah candle-lighting (nothing says romance like two hands on the shamash).

But like so much tinsel at a holiday hoe-down, there is a silvery lining here. First, most of us watched “LA Law” at a delicate age and thought, “Gawrsh, I can’t wait to be an adult and wear fancy suits and have sex with all of my colleagues,” only to discover that adulthood offers no promises of fancy suits. You happen to work in a very exciting office. This counts for something.

Second, it sounds like your friend V was spared. This chap clearly didn’t love her enough (there’s never a good reason for this), and chose to stop wasting her time. This is a good thing. It is far too easy to stay with someone because it seems like love or it should be love, only to discover years later that nope, uh-uh, it’s not love. Given all the boring decisions (casserole?) and terrifying scenarios (screaming children, ennui) that await any young couple, it’s best to make sure it’s love. Sure, perhaps this guy was a bit of a cad. Perhaps he didn’t do much to warn your friend of his waning feelings or express them properly. But really, the words one uses to break someone’s heart are rarely the issue. They’re just the lame souvenirs we get left with, to place on the crumbling mantelpiece above the ashes of our heart.

Naturally you feel squeamish about telling your friend that her ex got married. No one really likes breaking bad news. (Just think: if people actually enjoyed being harbingers of dread, then maybe Hitler would’ve realized he was losing the war sooner, and where would we be now? The Nazis knew it wasn’t fun, and so do you.) But wouldn’t it be so much more awkward if you were the root of her pain? Instead, you’re just a concerned friend. So it seems to me that V is fairly lucky: not only is she not married to someone who doesn’t love her (she does, indeed, deserve better), but also she has friends who care enough to break the news in a compassionate way, perhaps over dinner. And why not? Rare is the news that isn’t improved by a steaming bowl of lasagne and some whisky.

Good luck!

Emily

Need advice on your own awkward situation? Email your question to emilybobrow@thefastertimes.com

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