Andy Goldfarb, age 31, of Taos, New Mexico, accidentally used the word “literally” correctly in a sentence over the holiday season, thereby marking the first time that the word had been used correctly in America in more than twelve years. Mr. Goldfarb had just finished unwrapping a present from his Christmas stocking when the event took place. The stocking-stuffer gift in question was a “joke” gift: a lump of coal, with a tag saying “Guess who’s been naughty this year.”...read more
In movies and TV, I tend to admire self-reliant men; people who can defuse a bomb with nothing more than a can opener, a piece of string, and maybe some duct-tape. Guys like MacGuyver from MacGuyver, or Die Hard Guy from Die Hard. In real life, however, I am not one of these people. I lack internal resources. I give up easily.
A few months ago, I reported on the fact that I was quasi-homeless. Well, I’m still quasi-homeless, because, as I just mentioned, I suck and I lack internal resources and I’m not good with this shit. Since the last time I discussed this, I have stayed with friends, semi-friends, random strangers, co-workers…
And now, currently, I am staying with my own personal writing groupie, “Danielle” (not her real name), who lives in Tennessee, and who would like everyone out there to know that she is: (1) “Hot” and (2) “Fashionable.” In fact, she strongly urged me to mention those two things about her. Anyway, and so now I live with Danielle, who I met via the comments section of a website, after I had written an article for that website. Here is an interview with her where we discuss how all of this came about…...read more
“I want you to hit me… as hard as you can.” …Indeed. And haven’t we all made this request to someone else, at one time or another? Actually, probably not. As typical slothful Americans, we rely on movie stars to take our punches for us – as well as to pilot our spaceships, fight off our futuristic transforming robots, and have sex with our Anne Hathaways. Yep, that’s motion pictures for you. And a movie without punching is like a day without sunshine – that is, it’s something that only takes place about 30% of the time....read more
1) “…That’s so crumbelievable!”
2) “…Straight outta the lower Hebridies… motherfucker.”
3) “…And you can take that to the bank. The money bank.”
4) “…Not without me and my bippy, you won’t.”
5) “…Gazizza, my dilnoofus.”
6) “…What what, in the butt.”
7) “…It’s crazappy!”
8 ) “…I ain’t afraid of no ghost, bitch.”
9) “…That’s dumber ...read more
Fireworks: I can’t think of anything bad to say about fireworks. They’re loud, they go boom, they’re probably a metaphor for sex in some way — in conclusion, fireworks are good. What better way to celebrate the anniversary of our nation’s birth than by watching things explode? It’s a very warlike way to celebrate July 4th, but then, a lot of our national symbols are pretty fierce and warlike when you think about them — bald eagles (very angry looking), the Statue of Liberty (ditto), Sarah Palin (ditto), and so on and so forth…...read more
Well, we already know what the best video game ever made is, ‘cause we already talked about it. But what about its opposite? Well, it’s hard to pin down the worst video game ever made. What defines a terrible game, after all? In my case, it comes down to simple unplayability, combined with a existential sense of malaise. It’s not enough that the game itself sucks; you must actually start to hate yourself for actually playing it....read more
We all want to seem funnier and more awesome than we really are – especially me, since my job as a humor columnist regularly requires that I pretend that I’m funny all the time. But of course, I’m barely ever funny in real life (as my girlfriend could tell you;...read more
Keeping track of stuff is important. Or maybe keeping track of stuff isn’t that important. Who can say, really, in this crazy “jamboree” that we call “life”? ANY-way, I like to keep track of stuff, and I like to give stuff grades. For example, I have all the coffee mugs in my kitchen rated by order of preference, going from coffee mug Number 1 (which gets an A+), down to coffee mug Number Last (which is really so, so ugly, but which I still use sometimes because I feel guilty for ignoring it).
But why stop with coffee mugs and other household objects? Why not grade and rate everything, even when it’s inappropriate to do so? It’s a rhetorical question; really, I have no choice in the matter – I am obsessive, and I grade everything in my head. So here, as part of a potentially endless series of these articles, is a column where I give grades to my ex-girlfriends....read more
Hi there. I’m a writer. And as a writer, I fail all the time. But then again, as the great artist Samuel Beckett said — well, he said the following: “Try. Fail. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” And as for the poet T.S. Eliot — well, he said this: “Trying is the only thing that matters.”
Of course, those jerks could say things like this. They were, for instance, famous writers who had won the Noble Prize. For the rest of us, failing just means that we suck. (Unless history redeems us and later on we also win the Nobel Prize — but really, who has the patience to wait around for that?) For me, though, failure has a more personal consequence, as I went heavily into debt in order to go to a prestigious school in order to get a Master’s Degree in fiction. But I’ve never published any fiction. Sure; yes, I’ve written non-fiction for money, but does that even count?
The sickening stench of failure weighs heavily on my mind, because these days, I have to field automated calls from Sallie Mae Student Loan Services, Inc. This joke has been made before by others, but though “Sallie Mae” sounds like a pleasantly bumpkin-ish hillbilly girl, in fact, she is a heartless bitch with a chunk of cold iron where her living, beating heart should be....read more
N.B.: In addition to the recipe part, this is all written in the second-person for some reason. Sorry.
Hot Sauce Sandwiches:
Grad school. People are supposed to be poor during grad school — especially if they’re majoring in something stupid, like, say, creative writing — but somehow, you have taken it all too far. Originally, grilled cheese sandwiches were a food option. But then, the price of Kraft Cheese Singles seemed to magically rise out of reach. So you move down the food chain, and start eating “American Slice!” brand cheese product.
Sadly, “American Slice!” isn’t even officially listed as a “cheese product” or even as “cheese food,” perhaps because it contains 1% cheese, or maybe they just let the finished product sit next to a pile of cheese, in the hopes that it will absorb some of the faint aroma of cheese, in the way that stuff in your refrigerator does, when you haven’t placed that box of baking soda in your refrigerator....read more
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