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Norman Stern
Norman Stern

Norman Stern is a Texas-based writer and editor.

Norman Stern Articles
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Norman Stern Norman Stern |
07.09.2013

Oops: Robert Kraft Finds Super Bowl Ring Between Sofa Cushions

After setting off a minor international dustup with Russian Prime Minister Vladmir Putin, New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft found his missing Super Bowl ring sitting safely between two sofa cushions in one of his vacation homes.

“I really, really screwed this one up, ” Kraft said. “I want to offer my sincerest apologies to President Putin. ”

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Slate+Magazine-287x300
Norman Stern Norman Stern |
06.25.2013

Slate.com Explains Why Death Actually Good For You

Readers across the U.S. expressed outrage today after Slate.com published a story under the headline, “Why You Should Die Immediately.”

“This is just over the top,” said longtime Slate reader Beth Lipschitz. “I stood by them when they said all dog owners sucked, but now that they are telling me I should kill myself to improve my life, well, I am starting to wonder.”

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superman pancake
Norman Stern Norman Stern |
06.19.2013

Henry Cavill to be Replaced by Stack of Pancakes in “Man of Steel” Sequel

Warner Bros. Entertainment announced today that it would be replacing hunky actor Henry Cavill with a stack of pancakes in the “Man of Steel” sequel, which could be released as early as 2014. The move comes on the heels of a successful product placement campaign with restaurant chain IHOP in the first film.

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kim
Norman Stern Norman Stern |
06.11.2013

‘Licensed to Kim Jong Il’ Records 27th Straight Year Atop N. Korean Charts

Late North Korean dictator and mix-tape legend Kim Jong Il is still dominating North Korea’s hip-hop scene from beyond the grave. More than a year after his death, his seminal album, ‘Licensed to Kim Jong Il,’ just recorded its 324th straight month at the top of the North Korean hip-hop charts.

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office-worker
Norman Stern Norman Stern |
06.06.2013

Monster Fart Prompting Management to Rethink “Open Office”

An Acme employee struggles to breathe in the minutes after the fart.

A single monster fart is forcing management at Acme Technologies in Woodstock, IL to reconsider the usefulness of the “Open Office” concept. Although the company has long claimed that its wall and partition-free work area is great for increased collaboration, the monster fart from an unidentified employee could change the way Acme does business going forward.

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Norman Stern Norman Stern |
05.24.2013

Shaq Confident He Will Eventually Make Funny Quip on TNT

Despite a rough start to the 2013 playoffs, Shaquille O’Neil is confident he will eventually contribute a funny quip to a TNT broadcast.

So far O’Neil has focused on repeatedly saying “Bird Man” in a weird voice and finding clips of bad passes for “Shaqtin’ a Fool.”

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justice
Norman Stern Norman Stern |
05.22.2013

Justice Department Reading This as I Type It

Thanks to an unprecedented expansion of surveillance policies and easy to get keystroke spying software, the Justice Department is reading this as I type it. Because of that, right this instant, they are learning I do most of my writing wearing nothing but silk panties with the head of my penis slightly protruding from the waistband.

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Norman Stern Norman Stern |
05.10.2013

Attorney Actually Starting to Believe Own Bullshit

After 42 years of practicing law, Fort Worth-based defense attorney Ralph DeHart told reporters he is actually starting to believe his own bullshit.

Standing on the steps of the courthouse hearing his latest murder case, DeHart said he feared his new belief in himself would ruin his business. “It just feels so strange,” DeHart said. “It never occurred to me that I might actually be telling the truth sometimes.”

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Norman Stern Norman Stern |
04.23.2013

Modern Norse Pagans Outraged Over Lack of Skull Crushing in Thor Sequel

Modern Norse Pagans expressed outrage over internet rumors that there would be no skull crushing whatsoever in ‘Thor: The Dark World,’ a sequel to the 2011 film based on the Marvel Comics property. Thor is worshipped as the God of Thunder in Norse Paganism.

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Norman Stern Norman Stern |
04.19.2013

New York Post Editor: “If you take the time to talk, everybody is a person of interest, really”

An editor for the New York Post defended the paper’s decision to publish pretty much any photo they could find of people attending the Boston Marathon and passing them off as “persons of interest.”

“Look, if journalists would get off their high horse and actually talk to the people they cover, they would learn most people are pretty interesting if you just give them a chance,” the editor said.

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