Norman Stern is a Texas-based writer and editor.
Attorney Actually Starting to Believe Own Bullshit
After 42 years of practicing law, Fort Worth-based defense attorney Ralph DeHart told reporters he is actually starting to believe his own bullshit.
Standing on the steps of the courthouse hearing his latest murder case, DeHart said he feared his new belief in himself would ruin his business. “It just feels so strange,” DeHart said. “It never occurred to me that I might actually be telling the truth sometimes.”
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Modern Norse Pagans Outraged Over Lack of Skull Crushing in Thor Sequel
Modern Norse Pagans expressed outrage over internet rumors that there would be no skull crushing whatsoever in ‘Thor: The Dark World,’ a sequel to the 2011 film based on the Marvel Comics property. Thor is worshipped as the God of Thunder in Norse Paganism.
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New York Post Editor: “If you take the time to talk, everybody is a person of interest, really”
An editor for the New York Post defended the paper’s decision to publish pretty much any photo they could find of people attending the Boston Marathon and passing them off as “persons of interest.”
“Look, if journalists would get off their high horse and actually talk to the people they cover, they would learn most people are pretty interesting if you just give them a chance,” the editor said.
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Visit Home Marred By Realization That Son is Huge Disappointment
The happy anticipation that filled the parents of 28-year-old Sammy Ludwig upon his return for a “quick break from Asheville” just this morning has quickly been replaced by the crushing realization that Sammy is a huge and utter disappointment.
It began during the 30 minute car trip home, during which Sammy explained that the PhD student, Liz, he had been dating was just on a “different life plan,” “super boring,” and was “no longer interested in dating me” — crushing news for the Ludwigs, who had hoped Liz was putting Sammy on the right track. Sammy then proceeded to inform his parents that this eight roommates had asked him to move out after he “supposedly stole someone’s laptop,” and that the improv classes Ludwig’s parents had paid for was “full of unfunnies” and not worth his time, despite the class’s non-refundable fee.
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Hulk Hogan Certain Anne Frank Would Have Been Hulk-A-Maniac
Hulk Hogan is certain Anne Frank would have been a Hulk-A-Maniac. In an exclusive interview with The Faster Times, Hogan said he was deeply insulted by Justin Bieber’s suggestion that the famous Holocaust diarist might have been a “Belieber” had she survived Hitler’s reign of terror.
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Brad Paisley to Shelve ‘Accidental Homosexual’ Project
Brad Paisley worked tirelessly to produce his latest single, “Accidental Homosexual.” But the country music singer/songwriter announced on Friday he will not be releasing the song any time soon.
According to sources who heard the song, “Accidental Homosexual,” is about a passionate one-night stand involving two men, one of whom is drunk and bears a striking resemblance to Brad Paisley.
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Four NFL Mascots to Come Out as Furries on Same Day
An NFL punter with knowledge of the situation announced on Thursday that four separate NFL mascots might come out as furries on the same day in the near future. The announcement has elicited mixed reaction across the league.
The term “furry“ has several definitions, including people who like to role play anthropomorphic characters while wearing furry costumes and people who are sexually aroused by furry costumes.
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“Twerkin’ with Margaret Thatcher” Fitness DVD Pulled from Shelves
The world may never know how the ‘Iron Lady’ maintained her rock-hard glutes. On Monday, Mad Bootay Productions recalled 50,000 units of “Twerkin’ with Margaret Thatcher,” a fitness DVD starring the now deceased former British Prime Minister. The DVD was released on April 1.
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Bank of Cyprus to Reopen As Gyro Stand
An employee at the Bank of Cyprus prepares a gyro.
In the wake of an investigation revealing alleged evidence tampering and still reeling from their recent financial woes, the Bank of Cyprus announced it would be “repackaging” itself as a gyro stand, effective immediately. Bank of Cyprus CEO Yiannis Kupri made the announcement during a morning press conference cut short because Kupri had to excuse himself to go slice vegetables.
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Giant Star of David, Hairy Chest Doom Mossad Agent
A spokesman for Hezbollah’s military wing confirmed the group had arrested an Israeli Mossad agent in West Beirut on Friday after noticing a large Star of David hanging from his neck.
Speaking at a press conference hastily thrown together in a bombed out warehouse on the outskirts of the city, Ahmed ibn Nisralla told members of the press the agent had been arrested while spending a day at the beach with some of Hezbollah’s top officials.
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