Joe Lazauskas |

05.19.2013

Procrastinators Meetup Group’s Event Date Remains Unscheduled

When the Procrastinators Group was formed on Meetup.com, there was hope that procrastinators would soon be able to share their passion for putting things off.

Alas, the inaugural event date remains unscheduled, though frequent communication from group leaders has assured members that they were “making some real progress” in choosing a date and time and “had their eye on the prize.”

Joe Lazauskas |

05.19.2013

Surgeon General Pleads For Americans to Chew Their Food 3 or 4 Times At the Very Least

Conceding that the recommended 30 chews per bite was frankly unrealistic in a nation of shameless gorgers, United States Surgeon General Regina Benjamin pleaded for Americans to chew their food three or four times, at the very least.

“Listen, we gave up on the pipe dream of people sitting down and savoring their food in small bites a long time ago,” Benjamin said. “But when you’re scarfing down a Doritos Locos taco in two bites, things get dangerous.”

Joe Lazauskas |

05.18.2013

Desperate Mom Still Riding Mother’s Day High

In what some are calling a Mother’s Day miracle and others are dismissing as the desperate delusions of a sad woman, Westchester Mom Kate Greenfield is still clinging to her Mother’s Day high of five days prior.

Though her teenage sons had already returned to their usual state of hostile distance and continued their habit of leaving cum-stained towels in the laundry bin for her wash, Greenfield has continued to assert that her family has been “making me feel special all week.”

Joe Lazauskas |

05.14.2013

Local Mom Won’t Stop Being First Person to Like Every Goddamn Thing Son Posts to Facebook

Bronx mom Gloria Steinbaum won’t stop being the first person to like every goddamn thing her son Jake posts on Facebook and it’s getting really embarrassing, Jake Steinbaum told The Faster Times.

Ms. Steinbaum, who must have a fucking alert set up or something, has been an active user of the social network since joining last spring, liking or commenting on 63% of photos posted by family members, while adding over 450 new friends.

Joe Lazauskas |

05.14.2013

OfficeMax Marketing Director Struggling to Make Staplers ‘Sexy’ and ‘Conversational’

Despite intense pressure from corporate leadership, OfficeMax Marketing Director Mike Washburn is still struggling to make staplers sexy and conversational.

“My boss read an article on Mashable that said I had to make our products ‘sexy and sleek,’ so that people would talk about them all the time on Twitter,” explained Washburn. “But I still have no idea how to do that.”

Joe Lazauskas |

04.29.2013

Lena Dunham Sells Rights to Unsent Tweets For $6.3 Million

Penguin has retained the rights to Lena Dunham’s unsent tweets for $6.3 million, following an intense bidding war with HarperCollins, Penguin, Random House, and former President Bill Clinton.

The unsent tweets—mostly drafts of complaints and witticisms crafted by Dunham on the subway and drunken half-finished replies—were competed over furiously. A Source close to Dunham said that she opted to go with Penguin after an “intense” late-night Facebook chat with Judd Apatow.

Joe Lazauskas |

04.29.2013

Unpaid Intern Won’t Stop Making Awkward Slavery Jokes

Sources inside Manhattan media startup Millennial Memes report that an unpaid intern, Jake Franklin, won’t stop making awkward slavery jokes.

The NYU recent grad, who recently told friends that he joined Millennial Memes to bolster his reputation as a social media dynamo, has taken to responding “Yes Massa!” whenever a superior asks him to complete a task, like distributing the mail or finding Google images of hip DJs.

Joe Lazauskas |

04.21.2013

Reddit Finds Waldo

The social web was ablaze today with news that a large group of Reddit users had teamed up to track and locate Waldo, the spectacled man in a striped red sweater who evaded capture for 25 years as Americans searched for him in crowds at the circus, park, candy convention, and other fun places, such as football games and castles with  moats.

Joe Lazauskas |

04.03.2013

Interns Left Behind During SXSW Still Wandering Streets of Austin

Hordes of interns left behind during the nine-day SXSW technology and music festival are still wandering the streets of Austin, attempting to hand out free sunglasses and stickers to passerby or find a couple of free tacos for their bosses. According to industry sources, most of the interns were left behind when their bosses abruptly realized that they were really fucking hungover and that their flight was leaving 90 minutes — although one executive at a major New York ad agency admitted that they simply hadn’t bothered to buy their interns return flights. “We carefully reviewed our trip budget, and it came down to paying for return flights for the interns or paying for our hotel bar tab,” admitted the executive. “Safe to say, I think we made the right decision. Although where the hell is my mail and coffee?”

Joe Lazauskas |

01.19.2013

Madame Chlojoes Psychic Conference Championship Sunday Preview

Sunday 1 PM: Pregame Shows

Three are injured on the set of ESPN Countdown when Keyshawn Johnson violates Chris Berman’s no sombrero rule, turmoil ensues and the set collapses. Kurt Menafee and James Brown switch spots on the CBS and Fox pregame shows; no one notices.

ESPN Countdown relocates to the set of First Take; the picks segment is interrupted when a drunk and blubbering Skip Bayless crawls from under the desk clutching a Tim Tebow blowup doll. Bayless locks eyes with Kurt Warner, and romance ensues.