Buzz Feldman |

05.13.2013

Brooklyn Man Now Living Entirely Off Own Beard Garden

Brooklyn resident and food activist Bradley Wolchensker surprised even fellow activists with his recent announcement that he would henceforth be living entirely off his own beard.

“A lot of people don’t realize how many things can grow from a healthy beard,” said Wolchensker, who currently counts basil, garlic, and squash among the herbs and vegetables sprouting beneath his chin. “It really comes down to staying local,” Wolchensker added.

Buzz Feldman |

04.21.2013

New York Post Already Hard at Work on Next Bullshit Story

Undaunted by the barrage of criticism directed his way after his disastrous coverage of the Boston Marathon bombings, New York Post editor Col Allan announced today that the paper is already hard at work on its next “total bullshit” story.

“The world is full of great stories,” Allan said. “And there is plenty of pure bullshit we can add to those stories if we keep our heads down and remain focused.”

Buzz Feldman |

04.19.2013

FBI Hands Over Boston Bombing Investigation to Redditors

In a move that has left millions of Americans stunned and asking for answers, FBI Special Agent Richard DesLauriers announced this morning that the FBI would be handing over the investigation into the Boston bombings to the active members of the Reddit website.

Buzz Feldman |

03.11.2013

Romney Family Harlem Shake Video Fails to Go Viral

A still image from the Romney family’s Harlem Shake video

Earlier today Mitt Romney expressed his disappointment that the Romney family Harlem Shake video has failed to catch on. At a press conference outside the family’s Southern California vacation home, Romney said that he expected the Harlem Shake video, in which he appears in his boxers, to take the Internet by storm. “We wanted to show the world that the Romney family knows how to relate to regular Americans,” Romney explained, adding that, in retrospect, he probably should not have used the video to give a speech clarifying his positions on taxes and the turmoil in Syria.

Buzz Feldman |

03.06.2013

Hugo Chavez Unamused to Discover Bush Really is the Devil

Shortly after arriving in hell yesterday afternoon, the late Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez was unamused to discover that former American president George Bush really is the devil, just as Chavez had referred to him in his famous United Nations speech in 2006.

Buzz Feldman |

03.05.2013

Girlfriend Talking To Cat More and More Often

Sources confirmed today that Rick Melner’s girlfriend, Erica, is talking to the couple’s cat, Scrunchers, more and more often. “It started off as sort of a joke,” Melner said. “Now they’re, like, having long conversations.”

Melner said that he became particularly concerned when he noticed that the conversations were often about him. “Whenever we fight, she tells Scrunchers that Daddy is being a bad bad boy,” Melner said. “I’m like, ‘Hello, I’m right here. And please don’t refer to me as the cat’s Daddy.”

Buzz Feldman |

03.04.2013

Girlfriend Asks Victor Cruz to Stop Doing Salsa After Intercourse

Juanita Jones, girlfriend of Victor Cruz, has asked the New York Giants wide receiver to stop doing the salsa immediately after the couple has sex. “At first I thought he was joking,” said Jones, who has been dating Cruz for over a year. “But it gradually became apparent that he can’t stop.”

Buzz Feldman |

03.01.2013

Pope Cites Stupid White Yarmulke as Reason for Quitting

Speaking to reporters on the last day of his eight-year papacy, Pope Benedict XVI cited the “stupid white yarmulke” he always had to wear as the reason for his retirement. “Newsflash, everyone: I’m not Jewish,” Benedict declared to the reporters, who had gathered outside the papal summer residence in Castel Gandolfo. “Why should I have to wear a yarmulke all day — let alone a big goofy white one?”

Buzz Feldman |

02.27.2013

Sleepy Clarence Thomas Asks Other Justices to “Try to Keep it Down”

Annoyed at being awakened during his nap this morning, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas lifted his head from the bench and asked his fellow jurists to “try to keep it down” during oral arguments. The justices, discussing the constitutionality of the Voting Rights Act at the time, were surprised to hear the famously reticent Thomas speak up.

Buzz Feldman |

02.26.2013

NBA Star to Take Things Two-to-Three Games at a Time

After a tough loss to the Houston Rockets last week, Oklahoma City Thunder forward Kevin Durant told local reporters that he’s not worried about the team’s future. “We’ll start winning again,” Durant said. “We’ve just got to make sure that we take things “two-to-three games at a time.”