All of England was shaken today after British tabloids reported that the newest member of the royal family has taken a keen interest in Kate Middleton’s bosom. The reports claim the newest member of the royal family has been sucking on Kate Middleton’s breasts and that the activity goes on all day and night....read more
“This is a historic day for America,” said Texas Governor Rick Perry. “As of today, Texans who want to kill innocent black children carrying candy no longer have to move to Florida.”...read more
Just moments after signing a four-year, $88 million contract with the Houston Rockets, NBA star Dwight Howard says he remains undecided about where he’ll play next. “At this point I’m 50-50,” Howard said during the post-signing news conference. “The Lakers are a great organization as well. It’s very hard to make a decision.”...read more
A 14-year-old Denver, Colorado boy stunned friends and relatives today by taking a full 20-minute break from watching YouPorn videos. The boy, Ron Calpon, had reportedly been watching videos for over 400 consecutive hours before taking the unexpected break....read more
Trying to capitalize on the success of their Doritos Locos Tacos, Taco Bell announced today that the restaurant chain would now just be dumping bags of Doritos into everything.
“The American people have spoken,” said Taco Bell spokesman Ryan Egar, “and what they’ve said is ‘we’ll stuff anything into our faces so long as it has some Doritos in it.’”...read more
President Obama turned the tables on the American people during a press conference today, suggesting that the real scandal is not that his administration has been looking at our online activity but that our emails are so poorly written.
“I’m truly appalled,” said a visibly-shaken Obama. “I’ve been reading your crap non-stop for the last month. Is there one single person in this entire country who knows what a comma splice is?”...read more
Eighth-grade bully Eric Morton said he thought he was dreaming when he heard that the Boy Scouts of America had voted to lift the organization’s ban on gay youths and teens.
“I honestly never thought this day would come,” said Morton, a student at Trenton Park Junior High in Trenton, New Jersey. “It just goes to show that, if you continue to believe and hope, anything is possible.”...read more
In a move that has disappointed comedians around the world, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn) announced yesterday that she will be stepping down to spend more time being totally batshit crazy with her family.
“Trust me when I tell you this was not an easy decision for me,” Bachmann said. “But, at the end of the day, I only have so much time in this life to do and say things that are just completely batshit crazy. It’s not fair for me to ignore my family.”...read more
Princeton economist and New York Times columnist Paul Krugman has once again topped the rap charts with his latest release, “Keynes Thug 4 Life.”
Coming on the heels of Krugman’s last round of hits, “Show Me Da Inflation,” “It Ain’t About the Debt, Ho,” and “Trillion Dolla’ Groin,” the new single firmly establishes Krugman as the unlikely new “king of rap.”...read more
Congressional Republicans Warned to Seek Medical Attention if IRS Scandal Erection Lasts More Than Four Hours
The American Heart Association put out an emergency alert this afternoon, warning Republicans in Congress to seek “immediate medical attention” if their IRS scandal erections do not go down after four consecutive hours....read more
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