Good day, minions! Some of you may recall a post in which I shared with you a rather esoteric and enlightening hate (E)mail from one of my unfans.
Well, this morning, in between Emails from my mother imploring me to apply for better paying jobs (thanks Patti!), I received some follow-up...read more
Ugh, jobs. Oof, economy. This week, in honor of both the ongoing Occupy Wall Street protests and the addition of a Strip Club section to our site, I thought I’d explore some of the more creative and seemingly fail-safe post-college jobs. Like, well, stripping. So I interviewed...read more
Drew Magary’s first novel, The Postmortal, explores a not-so-distant universe in which a cure for aging is discovered. Realizations of “I can never retire” and “I will always get my period” slowly crop up; after a while, the institution of marriage becomes even less desirable to the postmortals (‘Until death...read more
Happy four-month anniversary, New York. My relationship with you has been measured out in MetroCards—which is to say, “Happy $416!”
Speaking of your subway system: it hasn’t always been easy. Trying to get anywhere here sometimes feels like trying to push a rusty shopping cart with one funky wheel up...read more
My recent life according to my Yelp.com reviews
Hello again to my five billion readers. I’ve been gone due to carpal tunnel, which, for the record, is little like crumpling aluminum foil between the tendons in your wrists and then sticking your arms in a microwave.
I’m not trying to sound brave...read more
An Angry Guy’s Guide To Self Defense For Good People In A Politically Correct World So Unhinged From Reality It Makes Him Want To Puke
This morning I got an email from a guy named Sergeant Kermit—a Sheriff’s deputy from Roanoke, Virginia. He wanted to talk to me about my “subway penis problem,” and offered to loan me either this knife or that knife so I could work on my self-defense strategies. When I...read more
Dear Kate Spencer,
I need to tell you an embarrassing secret: a few days ago a man pressed his boner against me on the subway—and despite having read your awesome and inspiring blog post, I didn’t slap him.
The man was shorter than me so the boner was on my leg, which made...read more
I love Mormons. I am strongly considering relocating to Salt Lake City to convert, begin rock climbing with other Mormons, and corral some kind of husband(s) (JK MORMONS ARE MONOGAMOUS). But I’m not kidding about wanting to be Mormon.
Up until recently, I knew shamefully little about the Latter-day Saints...read more
ME: Gus, how are you feeling, big guy?
[GUS rolls onto his gigantic table of a back and shimmies in the sun]
[GUS turns and shows me his butt]
ME: Gus. Please. You’re sending me mixed signals.
Last time Gus, (AKA, the “very lonely polar bear”) got upset, he started swimming the backstroke...read more
For the record, I am obsessed with dangerous wildlife. I like the idea that we are still in danger, as it gives me hope for the animal race, and somewhat substantiates my day-to-day anxiety. For the past year, I’ve been thinking a lot about feral hogs, which can grow...read more
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