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10.31.2011

Damned Again: More Hate From Himmelfarb

Good day, minions! Some of you may recall a post in which I shared with you a rather esoteric and enlightening hate (E)mail from one of my unfans.

Well, this morning, in between Emails from my mother imploring me to apply for better paying jobs (thanks Patti!), I received some follow-up

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10.26.2011

“Butt Pimples Look Like STDs” An Interview With Iris Greene

Ugh, jobs. Oof, economy. This week, in honor of both the ongoing Occupy Wall Street protests and the addition of a Strip Club section to our site, I thought I’d explore some of the more creative and seemingly fail-safe post-college jobs. Like, well, stripping. So I interviewed

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10.19.2011

The Postmortal: An Interview with Drew Magary

Drew Magary’s first novel, The Postmortal, explores a not-so-distant universe in which a cure for aging is discovered. Realizations of “I can never retire” and “I will always get my period” slowly crop up; after a while, the institution of marriage becomes even less desirable to the postmortals (‘Until death

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09.28.2011

Here is New York: An Almost Love Story

Happy four-month anniversary, New York. My relationship with you has been measured out in MetroCards—which is to say, “Happy $416!”

Speaking of your subway system: it hasn’t always been easy. Trying to get anywhere here sometimes feels like trying to push a rusty shopping cart with one funky wheel up

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09.26.2011

Yelp Reviews in Which I Fantasize About Bartenders

My recent life according to my Yelp.com reviews

Hello again to my five billion readers. I’ve been gone due to carpal tunnel, which, for the record, is little like crumpling aluminum foil between the tendons in your wrists and then sticking your arms in a microwave.

I’m not trying to sound brave

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07.20.2011

An Angry Guy’s Guide To Self Defense For Good People In A Politically Correct World So Unhinged From Reality It Makes Him Want To Puke

This morning I got an email from a guy named Sergeant Kermit—a Sheriff’s deputy from Roanoke, Virginia. He wanted to talk to me about my “subway penis problem,” and offered to loan me either this knife or that knife so I could work on my self-defense strategies. When I

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07.14.2011

Get Your Boner Off Me

Dear Kate Spencer,

I need to tell you an embarrassing secret: a few days ago a man pressed his boner against me on the subway—and despite having read your awesome and inspiring blog post, I didn’t slap him.

The man was shorter than me so the boner was on my leg, which made

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07.06.2011

Why I love Mormons

I love Mormons. I am strongly considering relocating to Salt Lake City to convert, begin rock climbing with other Mormons, and corral some kind of husband(s) (JK MORMONS ARE MONOGAMOUS). But I’m not kidding about wanting to be Mormon.

Up until recently, I knew shamefully little about the Latter-day Saints

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07.05.2011

Gus the Bi-Polar Bear and the Pain of Existence

ME: Gus, how are you feeling, big guy?

[GUS rolls onto his gigantic table of a back and shimmies in the sun]

ME: Better?

[GUS turns and shows me his butt]

ME: Gus. Please. You’re sending me mixed signals.

***

Last time Gus, (AKA, the “very lonely polar bear”) got upset, he started swimming the backstroke

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06.30.2011

Is a Giant Lizard Invasion Really Such a Bad Thing?

For the record, I am obsessed with dangerous wildlife. I like the idea that we are still in danger, as it gives me hope for the animal race, and somewhat substantiates my day-to-day anxiety. For the past year, I’ve been thinking a lot about feral hogs, which can grow