“Henry Cavill is great, but the movie broke all kinds of records in its opening weekend, ” said Warner Bros. spokesperson Lori Lemaris. “This tells us that audience did not mind, possibly even did not notice, that we managed to work IHOP into almost every scene of the movie.”

Lemaris said she was surprised that no hardcore Superman fans have expressed outrage about the studio’s decision to turn Pete Ross, who has been Clark Kent’s best friend in the comics since 1961, into an IHOP manager.

“And the amazing thing is, we did it with very, very little context, ” said Lemaris. “I mean, seriously, Superman and another Kryptonian duking it out in an IHOP dining room? If audiences will accept that, they’ll accept anything.

Added Lemaris, “I love Henry Cavill to death, but he only makes the women in the audience drool. A stack of pancakes would have that sort of impact on everybody. It just makes sense.”

Asked how he felt about being replaced by a stack of pancakes, Cavill said that it could be worse, then reconsidered. “Actually, come to think of it, losing your job to a pancake probably is the single worst thing that can happen to a person.”

Photo Credit

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“We don’t really want words like ‘sober’ or ‘lucid’ to be part of our brand,” Vice CEO and co-founder Shane Smith told The Faster Times. “We find that our freshest articles are written by people who are tripping, high, or very tipsy.”

The new drug policy is a result of a recent scandal, which revealed that the author of “I Tripped Acid While Pregnant in a Somali Prison” was actually only using meth at the time of her imprisonment.

Vice’s regular writers were too stoned to comment for this story.

The post Vice Magazine Now Only Hiring Writers Who Fail Drug Test appeared first on The Faster Times.

On Tuesday, the Society for the Detrendification of Marijuana revealed that they have been paying actress Amanda Bynes to perform stunts such as hit and runs, incomprehensible and aggressive tweeting, and bong defenestration.

“The cool connotations of pot are of great concern to us,” said the society’s president Myrtle Munch. “We wanted to find someone who could shatter those associations, and so far we’ve been very pleased with Amanda’s work.”

The Society instructed Bynes to keep the drug in her possession at all times, and to smoke it frequently. The insane tweets that have confounded the internet have been carefully composed by a team consisting of teen psychologists, former child stars, and Charlie Sheen. Professional stunt drivers elaborately staged Bynes’s many accidents.

“Throwing the bong out the window was all her, though,” Munch said proudly.

Bynes is only the most recent of the Society’s employees, its most notable spokesperson being Justin Bieber. Its roundabout tactics, which include supplying young celebrities with marijuana, have received some criticism from the public. Bynes herself says that she is delighted to have the work.

“Things haven’t been going so well since I left The Amanda Show, if I’m being honest,” she told The Faster Times. “I was flattered that they considered me relevant enough for this task.”

So far, the stunt has met with success. The Society reports that the vast weed paraphernalia market has decreased to half of its former value, while reported pot smoking has decreased by 25%.

“It’s just not cool anymore,” said UC Santa Cruz sophomore and former weed smoker Jake Clopper. “She’s made us all look bad. Now all I can think about when I smoke a joint is She’s The Man, and no one wants that.”

The post Amanda Bynes’s Behavior Revealed to Be Elaborate PSA appeared first on The Faster Times.

Late North Korean dictator and mix-tape legend Kim Jong Il is still dominating North Korea’s hip-hop scene from beyond the grave. More than a year after his death, his seminal album, ‘Licensed to Kim Jong Il,’ just recorded its 324th straight month at the top of the North Korean hip-hop charts.

Kim, who also invented spanx bodyshaping undergarments and reigned as North Korea’s heavyweight champion from his birth until his death, released the album to an overwhelmingly positive reception in 1986.

The North Korean Ministry of Culture released the following statement to commemorate the milestone:

“Nothing says more about the limitless talent of Dear Leader than the fact that all these years later, clubs still bump his shit. It is fortunate that North Korea was blessed by the most perfect hip-hop album ever produced. There is a reason ‘Licensed to Kim Jong Il’ is the only album our people are permitted to play on their phonographs.”

The post ‘Licensed to Kim Jong Il’ Records 27th Straight Year Atop N. Korean Charts appeared first on The Faster Times.

Jennifer Lawrence’s internet fan-base is in a state of shock following the actress’s “normal star” behavior at the Cannes International Film Festival.

“She didn’t seem laid-back or down-to-earth,” said a TMZ reporter. “She was actually acting like a celebrity.”

When asked what she was wearing, Lawrence replied “Chanel” without any hint of irony or self-deprecation. She did not mention how uncomfortable the clothing was, nor did she try to steer the conversation away from herself.

The actress, usually known for her modesty and sense of humor, spent the rest of the evening discussing red-carpet fashion and talking about her method. Her demeanor was described as “poised” and “elegant.”

“She actually took credit for her abilities as an actress,” said Taylor Johnson, an NYU acting major and author of the blog downwithhathaway.tumblr.com. “Nothing she did that night would have made a good GIF. It was a huge disappointment.”

“This isn’t the J-Law we love,” said one member of the Jenniderp fan community. “She was acting like Gwyneth Paltrow or something. She wasn’t remotely adorkable.”

Other members of the fan community reported rage that the actress didn’t lose her balance or become flustered in the presence of another celebrity.

“This does not seem like the girl who charmingly photobombed me at the Met Gala,” Sarah Jessica Parker told a reporter.

When later asked about her atypical red carpet performance, Lawrence responded: “I don’t know what was wrong with me that night. I was feeling confident and proud of my achievements. It won’t happen again.”

UPDATE: Lawrence has responded to fan outrage with an extended nervous chuckle and assertion that she is just a girl from Kentucky with an unimportant career.

Photo via Lazy Girls

The post Jennifer Lawrence Shocks Fans By Failing to Act Endearingly Awkward at Cannes appeared first on The Faster Times.

Princeton economist and New York Times columnist Paul Krugman has once again topped the rap charts with his latest release, “Keynes Thug 4 Life.”

Coming on the heels of Krugman’s last round of hits, “Show Me Da Inflation,” “It Ain’t About the Debt, Ho,” and “Trillion Dolla’ Groin,” the new single firmly establishes Krugman as the unlikely new “king of rap.”

“I’m delighted so long as my dope rhymes are causing people to spend more and thus helping to lift the economy out of this recessionary spiral,” Krugman said. Krugman then slammed his right fist into his own chest, shouted, “Keynes thugs don’t quit,” and walked away.

In “Keynes Thug 4 Life” Krugman returns to his usual themes, lashing out at the “punk-ass austerian bitches” who fail to grasp that cutting back spending in the face of a slowing economy will only depress the economy further.

“What can I say?” Jay-Z said, when asked about Krugman’s rapid rise to the top of the rap world. “Sometimes a new king comes to sit on the throne.” Added Jay-Z, “I have to admit that I never thought I would be displaced by a 60-year old Nobel Prize-winning economist, but then, I also never thought you could make so many words rhyme with Bernanke.”

Some of Krugman’s popularity can no doubt be attributed to his electrifying live performances, during which he often takes breaks to show slides of Japan’s economic performance in the ’90s.

The post Paul Krugman Tops Rap Charts With “Keynes Thug 4 Life” appeared first on The Faster Times.

“It’s an insult to our religion,” said Norse Pagan Sigurd Jarlson of Reykjavik, Iceland. ”It is bad enough they turned our God of Thunder into a blond pretty boy in a unitard, but the lack of bloodshed makes a mockery of our beliefs.”

Jarlson and other Norse Pagans are also disappointed that Thor does not rape or hang anybody in either film.

The post Modern Norse Pagans Outraged Over Lack of Skull Crushing in Thor Sequel appeared first on The Faster Times.

The world may never know how the ‘Iron Lady’ maintained her rock-hard glutes. On Monday, Mad Bootay Productions recalled 50,000 units of “Twerkin’ with Margaret Thatcher,” a fitness DVD starring the now deceased former British Prime Minister. The DVD was released on April 1.

“The timing just doesn’t feel right now,“ said Mad Bootay CEO Winthrop Cavendash.

Cavendash refused to say what would happen to the existing copies of the DVD but insisted that Mad Bootay had no plans to rerelease it in the future. Cavendash added that while he regrets the financial hit his company will take due to the recall, he is more disappointed that the world will never get to see a side of the former PM few imagined existed.

“Most people don’t know it, but Madame Prime Minister could get low,“ said Cavendash.

The post “Twerkin’ with Margaret Thatcher” Fitness DVD Pulled from Shelves appeared first on The Faster Times.

The 90 minute upside down episode will be the first upside down television program to air in prime-time since Connie Chung interviewed former Filipino First Lady Imelda Marcos from the ceiling of the Malacañan Palace in 1986.

Based on early interest in the upside down episodes, AMC honchos are already planning to follow up with “The Walking Dead: Rewound,” which will replay the series in reverse starting with the most recent episode to air.

“The possibilities are limitless,” said show creator Robert Kirkman. “If this goes well, I don’t see why we wouldn’t be unveiling ‘The Walking Dead Slow Mo” by this time next year.”

The post The Walking Dead to Air “Upside Down Episodes” appeared first on The Faster Times.

In what’s being called a “profound disappointment” and “ridiculous waste of time,” St. Paul, Minnesota resident Mark Craig says that 12 weeks of swing dance lessons failed to get him laid even once.

“It’s extremely upsetting,” said Craig. “All that time and energy for nothing. I didn’t even get a hand job out of it.”

Craig said that he signed up for the course despite the mockery of his fraternity brothers because he was sure it would lead to “mad pussy.”

“I did the gayest moves out there on the dance floor,” said Craig. “I even wore suspenders one time. It just doesn’t seem right.”

Craig says that he won’t be returning to the class and is considering a lawsuit against the dance company.

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