“It’s an insult to our religion,” said Norse Pagan Sigurd Jarlson of Reykjavik, Iceland. ”It is bad enough they turned our God of Thunder into a blond pretty boy in a unitard, but the lack of bloodshed makes a mockery of our beliefs.”

Jarlson and other Norse Pagans are also disappointed that Thor does not rape or hang anybody in either film.

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The world may never know how the ‘Iron Lady’ maintained her rock-hard glutes. On Monday, Mad Bootay Productions recalled 50,000 units of “Twerkin’ with Margaret Thatcher,” a fitness DVD starring the now deceased former British Prime Minister. The DVD was released on April 1.

“The timing just doesn’t feel right now,“ said Mad Bootay CEO Winthrop Cavendash.

Cavendash refused to say what would happen to the existing copies of the DVD but insisted that Mad Bootay had no plans to rerelease it in the future. Cavendash added that while he regrets the financial hit his company will take due to the recall, he is more disappointed that the world will never get to see a side of the former PM few imagined existed.

“Most people don’t know it, but Madame Prime Minister could get low,“ said Cavendash.

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The 90 minute upside down episode will be the first upside down television program to air in prime-time since Connie Chung interviewed former Filipino First Lady Imelda Marcos from the ceiling of the Malacañan Palace in 1986.

Based on early interest in the upside down episodes, AMC honchos are already planning to follow up with “The Walking Dead: Rewound,” which will replay the series in reverse starting with the most recent episode to air.

“The possibilities are limitless,” said show creator Robert Kirkman. “If this goes well, I don’t see why we wouldn’t be unveiling ‘The Walking Dead Slow Mo” by this time next year.”

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In what’s being called a “profound disappointment” and “ridiculous waste of time,” St. Paul, Minnesota resident Mark Craig says that 12 weeks of swing dance lessons failed to get him laid even once.

“It’s extremely upsetting,” said Craig. “All that time and energy for nothing. I didn’t even get a hand job out of it.”

Craig said that he signed up for the course despite the mockery of his fraternity brothers because he was sure it would lead to “mad pussy.”

“I did the gayest moves out there on the dance floor,” said Craig. “I even wore suspenders one time. It just doesn’t seem right.”

Craig says that he won’t be returning to the class and is considering a lawsuit against the dance company.

Read More:

Gay Gynecologist Just In It To Help Women

Student Who Won’t Stop Nodding His Head Isn’t Following a Word

Brad Paisley to Shelve ‘Accidental Homosexual’ Project

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“When I first heard, I couldn’t believe it,” said colleague Steve Wilson, “but it really doesn’t seem to be about looking at tits all day for him.” Added Wilson, “It only began to make sense when I learned he was gay.”

At an interview at his office, Miller said that he finds all the attention amusing. “Look, I get it,” said Miller, “If I were a urologist, I’d be copping feels right and left.” Miller, looking suddenly perplexed, added that, in retrospect, he really should have gone into urology.

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Hey, know what would make this show even better? Another Big Bad! On a show that prides itself in being un-serialized, there certainly is an intricate, villainous haze hanging around our good guys. Baddies in the NYPD. Baddies in the CIA. Baddies in the FBI. Baddies in the mob. Amy Acker. For all the cases Reese and Finch have solved and the lives they’ve saved, there is a metric ton of villains that are still walking around.

Thematically, it makes sense. “Trust nobody, save the innocent, be redeemed,” is a big theme for the show’s creator Jonathan Nolan. There aren’t that many good and honest people in this world they’ve crafted, demonstrated by new character Maxine Angelis. Occupation: Sexy Journalist. And an old-school journalist-lady, not those waifish whiners that write on social media or blogs.

Wait…? Yes, I’m being told, okay, alright, irony administered. It’s so terribly bitter.

Once Sexy Journalist Maxine Angelis has been introduced as a good-doing gal that’s well-respected and connected, it’s time to throw her into danger. Deadly danger! Journalistic danger. Mobsters and crooked cops and setups! Maxine’s aggressive journalism inaccurately publishing pieces on the NYPD’s HR department got her into hot water and got an innocent witness in a federal case against the rebuilt mob dead. I imagine that that right now, there’s a girl in Iowa that’s running the Features department of her high school paper, and she is positively glowing at the prospect of moving to New York some day to be a razor-sharp journalist that gets in over her head.

The problem is, the guys have intel that Maxine is already researching Reese, since he, you know, has been moonlighting as, “A guy in a suit. He comes out of nowhere. He saves a lot of lives. And shoots a lot of kneecaps.” Well, yeah, it sounds sociopathic when you list off all of that stuff in one go, Maxine. He has to protect her but pretend not to be a complete badass so she doesn’t put two and two together about the Man in the Suit being real. It’s funny how he handles this — in fact, the whole episode was fairly funny with good gags like Finch dropping off Bear so it fits with Reese’s online dating profile when Maxine comes over. Also, Finch hiding in one of Reese’s closet full of guns. And Finch dissecting the female psyche to give Reese dating tips on how to draw Maxine in.

Basically Finch, in general, a role that Michael Emmerson has embraced, thankfully helping me forget his later days as Ben Linus on Lost.

Earlier, I mentioned that the show laid another Big Bad on us. As it turns out, after some creative fact-finding at a merry-go-round and a gunfight a few minutes later on the same merry-go-round, one of Maxine’s old-guard journalism friends was actually the one running the show for HR, and they actually had both of NYC’s mayoral candidates on the payroll!

This is crafty. It reminds us that the true villains are the ones that aren’t public-facing. It doesn’t make for in-your-face, Gandalf versus a Balrog confrontation-drama, but it is scarier and realer. Elias preached secrecy. Agent Snow is still skulking around elsewhere. Ambiguity is scary, man. In summation, if you’re a villain, it pays to be subtle on Person of Interest. It means you’ll get to be in a second episode.

Image.

STILL BORED? Read my thoughts on the importance of Frosted Flakes over on http://www.ghostlittle.com, because it IS important — and you can always keep up with my thoughts over on Twitter!

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As Catherine, Chastain, making her Broadway debut, has effected a remarkable transformation from the role for which she is best-known, Celia Foote , the clichéd but appealing blonde bombshell with the heart of gold in The Help. But she doesn’t go far enough.

Chastain is in a long line of beauties who have impersonated plain Janes. The former fashion model Charlize Theron won an Oscar for playing buck-toothed serial killer Aileen Wuornos in Monster; the former fashion model Halle Berry won her Oscar for playing a downtrodden, makeup-free mother in Monster’s Ball. Fashion model to “monster” seems an assured path to winning over the voters of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.

Fashion models can make a rag look like a princess’s gown. There is a certain type of person who does the reverse. They may be good-hearted and intelligent, but they are no more graceful than a platypus. That is how I view Catherine Sloper, an impression helped along by my good fortune in having seen Cherry Jones play the part in the last revival of “The Heiress” on Broadway. When Jones as Catherine descended that staircase wearing a beautiful red dress, her deportment was so awkward that you cringed for her. Having seen Cherry Jones in other plays, I have no doubt this was just exquisite acting – and possibly also a clever costume designer.

Chastain, who was never a model (though she was recently “named” an “ambassadress” for a new perfume), seems to have a natural physical grace, which she apparently can’t turn off while playing Catherine. Yes, she is shy, literal-minded and blunt-spoken; we see the pain in her face while attempting to be sociable. But her acting is largely limited to her facial expressions. Her body tells a different story.

Chastain’s beauty and grace throw the delicate dynamic of “The Heiress” out of whack. At its best, “The Heiress” offers the audience something of a subtle tug-of-war for our affection: Is Morris Townsend just a cad, or is his interest in her money accompanied by an eagerness to make her happy? Is Dr. Sloper legitimately protective of his daughter as well as insufficiently impressed with her good qualities? In this production, Catherine’s father is not just disappointed in Catherine; he seems delusional about her. Morris Townsend’s motives seem clear-cut: Catherine is rich, single, pleasant and pretty; who wouldn’t want to marry her?

It takes an intense willingness to overlook the miscasting of Chastain in order to gain maximum pleasure from director Moises Kaufman’s other choices. Derek McLane’s set is elegant in its rich hues and delicious in its details. Albert Wolsky’s costumes and David Lander’s lighting take us back to mid-19th-century New York. Dan Stevens is nearly as dashing and personable here as when he plays the dreamboat Matthew Crawley in the BBC TV series Downton Abbey. It seems the right choice not to make Morris Townsend a blatant schemer, which is evident not just from Stevens’ performance but in the script for “The Heiress,” written in the 1940’s by Ruth and August Goetz. On the script is the information that their play is “suggested” by Washington Square, the novel by Henry James, a curiously weak attribution, since the plot, characters and indeed whole swaths of dialogue are taken directly from the book. But there are substantial changes – most noticeably in the more dramatic ending, but most significantly in some of the characterizations. One of these is Morris Townsend. Another is Catherine’s aunt, Mrs. Penniman. In the novel, Aunt Lavinia is a meddlesome widow so taken with the romantic possibilities of the courtship that her involvement becomes pernicious. She is no less a meddlesome but a more benevolent figure in “The Heiress,” especially as played by Judith Ivey, who is the stand-out in the cast, a subtle and entertaining blend of busybody and what we would now call a support system. However worthwhile her performance, it says something about the imbalance of this production of “The Heiress” that the cheerleading widow is the character with whom we most identify.

The Heiress At the Walter Kerr (219 West 48th Street, NYC) by Ruth and Augustus Goetz “suggested by the novel by Henry James, Washington Square” Directed by Moses Kaufman Set design by Derek McLane, costumes by Albert Wolsky, lighting by David Lander Cast: Jessica Chastain, David Strathairn, Dan Stevens, Judith Ivey, Molly Camp, Kieran Campion, Virginia Kull, Dee Nelson, Caitlin O’Connell Running time: 2 hours and 45 minutes, including intermission Buy tickets to The Heiress

“The Heiress” is scheduled to run through February 10, 2013.

The post The Heiress Review On Broadway appeared first on The Faster Times.

There weren't any official stills for this ep (probably because of the time slot switch) so here's a spooky scary classic for this unexpected Halloween broadcast

30 Rock of late dabbles deeply in time-sensitive political shenanigans, but it got real-life scooped this week when Hurricane Sandy blasted New York so hard that this episode got sent back in time one day. In reality, I’m not clear on the details, but my vague understanding is that NBC used their coverage of the storm as an excuse to air The Voice during the sitcoms’ usual slot on Thursday, so Cee-Lo, Xtina and the other ones might guide young singers in a bonus installment complementing the nine weekly episodes that constitute their normal air schedule. It’s a test of my patience, then, that Fey and the Gang must complete their enthrallingly satirical elections-get-decided-by-idiots mini-arc instead of returning to the presumably season-long plot of “tanking” the network, that I might let my eyes glaze over and cathartically envision the demolition to be real.

I’m heartened that, even when it has its hands full, 30 Rock impresses as one of the most agile productions maybe ever—as Liz rushes through the studio at the beginning, who should pop up but Cheyenne Jackson’s long since last seen Danny Baker, one of those classic TV-world phantoms, who naturally has a dire request to which Liz responds, “Dammit! Now you have a thing?” Unfortunately, this bright moment just draws attention to the fact that the gags here, even if they were better, would remain distracted by the episode’s insistence on the cleverness of its premise. As we learned last week, Jenna Maroney is the most powerful woman in the world as she commands the favor of Northern Floridians, whom Jack Donaghy and Tracy Jordan’s concurrent analyses have identified as the decisive bloc of swing voters in the Presidential election. Jack and Liz race to direct her influence toward each’s favored candidate, but Jenna plainly explains that she only cares which outcome could benefit her most directly. I have this impression that Jenna is most people’s least-liked 30 Rock character—with or without the knowledge that Jane Krakowski replaced a counterpart character played by Rachel Dratch presumably at the network’s behest—and I could mount a defense, but I don’t know when the last time Jenna’s self-centeredness has been stated so baldly as it is here, and I don’t like it. Not that I’d presume to tell the writers how to do their job, but in my estimation it always seemed that the point of the character wasn’t exactly to be repugnant, but more to represent the occasional repugnancy of American aspiration by inflating it into a clownish portrait, buoyed by the show’s absurdist momentum. At a moment like this, though, when they slow down and try to make a real point about how, uh, there are shockingly influential people in this country who only care about their own stature, the objective fades from view and it’s like I’m stranded in On-The-Nose Valley.

The discomfort continues as Liz accuses Jack of directing his “campaign” with dirty hands: “This is what you do. You trick people into voting against their own interests, and then you sell them out at the drop of the hat.” Here it’s posed as a setup (for a weak character joke) but I can’t disinvest from the part of my brain trying to reconcile the episode’s moral swerving with the show’s usual, inclusively destructive candor. The whole thing sort of breezes by like this, lightly brushing on the hypocrisies that currently plague our nation while trying to affect its characteristic sort of postmodern amoral affability. Kenneth gets his absentee ballot from back home, newly devoid of the reverend who deemed “choosing” a sin, and tries to decide between the platforms of the psychos in hick-run Stone Mountain, GA, while Pete cheers manically for Obama as he hopes to recapture the drunken romance of 2008. These are all variations on a theme, though for once I enjoy the B-plot as a more diluted variant of the week’s main attraction. Liz promotes the Democrats as the party of posturing aesthetes, flattering Jenna’s self-image, while Jack reminds that in a neo-con dystopia she’d be considered one of the more prominent arts and media figures simply for lack of competition. Meanwhile, Kenneth deliberates between ideological poles (“Should we let Old Man Berkel marry his daughter or make him bury her like the rest of the dead folks?”) while Pete flails for transcendence. It’s Hornberger, the pragmatic glue of TGS and an unsung presence of agreeable desperation on 30 Rock (I can defend against his detractors less ably than Jenna’s—he’s a fun but admittedly unnecessary presence most of the time), who gets to deliver the ep’s emblematic passage: “That night in 2008 everything felt possible. Like my whole life was ahead of me. I was gonna drive a sports car and say cool stuff like ‘Wikky whaat?’ and none of that has happened! Nothing has changed! For Pete or America!” “There’s No I in America” gets points for wearing its exasperated heart on its sleeve, but I don’t know if what we need now, in these anxious times, is smirky nihilism. It certainly doesn’t do any favors for this network staple, on any night of the week.

Blurry screengrab courtesy nbc.com

The post ’30 Rock’ Recap (Season 7, Episode 5): “There’s No I in America” appeared first on The Faster Times.

Jane and Henry, lookin' good

The episode begins with a flashback to Halloween, 1929. Two businessmen discuss some sort of evil deal they did to bring incredible wealth as the stock market crashes. One of them expresses regret, right before going home and ax-murdering his wife. But, like, he was possessed to do it. His young daughter, (now the resident ghost girl of 666 Park Ave!), witnesses some of the horror, and before dying, her mother hands her a necklace.

Today, the evil/possessed guy, who is also the guy who came out of the suitcase in a puff of smoke, whose name is also Peter Kramer, is just walking around the Drake, being creepy.

After last week’s incident at the mayor’s house, Henry is lauded as a hero even though he didn’t really do anything. He appears on a morning talk show, and soon some harpy media consultant starts talking to him and trying to take him on as a client. She tells him his fifteen minutes will be up soon but she can make them go on forever if he wants to amp up his political career. Perhaps she too is an evil temptress; she maybe seems to have the hots for him?

Next Brian the playwright arrives home to find his wife with her shirt off being fondled by some guy. Turns out this guy is a doctor (Dr. Scott) examining Louise, and Louise wants to set him up with Alexis. Brian is suspicious. Then she takes some pills, indicating that she’s probs addicted.

Gavin receives some mysterious and threatening texts and Olivia almost gets run over. He becomes concerned for Olivia’s safety at the glamorous Halloween party they’re hosting tonight. When are they not hosting a party? When does Gavin even have time for all the killing, and the siccing of demons upon his victims, and the casting of the evil spells?

As usual, Olivia dropped off stuff for Jane and Henry to wear at the party: a Tippi Hendren from The Birds costume and a cowboy outfit. Kinda lame.

Now sexy temptress Alexis has shown up at Brian and poor, pill-addicted Louise’s apartment, wearing a really boring naughty nurse outfit. She apologizes for “getting psycho” with Brian, saying she thought they had a connection. Brian, looking foolish as a gladiator, coldly rebuffs her. Then she hints Dr. Scott’s examined Louise “lots of times.” Too bad that Alexis is such an evil, homewrecking whore, am I right??? Wouldn’t it be cool if we found out that Alexis was just Gavin in disguise?

While heading down to the party, Jane and Henry share an elevator with the Smoke Guy, aka Peter Kramer, who eyes Jane’s necklace, which is actually the same one that the dying mother gave to the ghost girl, but I must have missed something cause I thought it was Jane’s grandmother’s necklace? I don’t know.

Gavin tells Tony the Concierge he needs to protect his “most valuable possession”, his wife, Olivia. How sweet. Gavin opens a hidden safe to reveal some sort of Box of Mystery. Might have to do with the Order of the Dragon. It’s like carved with something symbolic and ancient, you know the kind. We all have one.

The post ’666 Park Avenue’ Recap: “A Crowd of Demons” appeared first on The Faster Times.

A lot of you are probably dealing with your own power outage due to Hurricane Sandy so I’m not sure how many of you will actually be reading this – or will have even watched this episode of Revolution – but I hope you’re having an easier time than the characters in the show. In an episode called “Sex and Drugs,” you would think the characters would get a taste of one or both of them, but unfortunately that’s not the case: misery and death is all that’s on the menu this week.

After the last episode (which was two weeks ago; you didn’t actually miss anything last week) which had all of the characters run into one another after four episodes of searching, I’m afraid “Sex and Drugs” is just a little bit of filler. Not that that’s a bad thing, mind you – while it might be all filler in terms of the plot, it’s certainly not in regards to the characters – Charlie and Aaron in particular make decisions that will probably change the way they think, and how the audience thinks about them, from now on.

The episode two weeks ago ended with the failed rescue attempt and Nora being stabbed and this episode begins with Miles and the gang stealing two horses and a cart and trying to find Nora some help, as her wound is now infected. Miles takes the group to an old associate, a drug dealer named Drexel, who is willing to help Nora, but in exchange he wants one of his enemies dealt with. Miles volunteers to kill the man, a former police officer named O’Halloran who burned Drexel’s poppy fields as revenge for his daughter’s death, but Drexel sends Charlie instead, disguised as a beaten prostitute.

Miles realises that Drexel is basically sending Charlie to her death and goes after her, leaving Aaron to take part in Drexel’s weird games: he wants Aaron and an adrenaline-injected Nora to shoot each other. Aaron refuses and shoots himself, and as Drexel leans in to investigate, Aaron shoots him as well, revealing a flask saved his life. After Maggie’s death a couple of episodes ago, I actually believed Aaron was going to die too – this show is certainly ruthless! Meanwhile, Miles stops Charlie from killing O’Halloran, but it doesn’t matter: it was clear Charlie fully intended to kill O’Halloran despite her reluctance, which means it’s only a matter of time before she does kill an innocent man and actually becomes a completely interesting character. I love a good conflicted protagonists and Charlie is definitely on the path to becoming one now.

There’s barely any Neville, Monroe or Rachel this week, and the group obviously are too distracted to go after Danny just yet, which is why I called this episode filler, but I must say I’m still enjoying Revolution. It’s still learning what is good and what is bad, but it is slowly improving each and every week, and it already feels like it’s come a long way from the pilot. What I am interested to see is how the show will continue after Charlie rescues Danny. Presumably she will somehow get involved with the magical medallions and Monroe’s quest to get the power back on, but what happens next? I really hope the writers know where this is all going and they’re not just making it up as they go along, unlike every other show that’s wanted to be Lost. Maybe we’ll see a glimpse of where this show is headed next week. Until then, stay safe everybody, and if you’re without power I hope it comes back soon so you don’t have to find yourself one of those medallions.

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