Win Ben Stein’s Credit Report

Dear Master Control Program,

Today I was surfing the Interwebs and discovered that Ben Stein is now online-plugging one of the Internet’s many fee-charging “free credit report” services. He’s wearing a sloppily tied green-and-black bow tie that’s all limp on his collar. Also he’s billed as “Ben Stein, Economist and Financial Expert,” when Wikipedia says all Ben ever did was major in econ and show up to be in some movies. Also I’m cheesed he’s on C-SPAN all the time at fundraising dinners for the American Nazi Party. Renting FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF, in which Ben keeps saying “Bueller” — ethical?

–Credit Reporter

Dear Credit,

Unethical. In or around 1969, Ben Stein donned the Ring of Power and became evil. Any funds spent to obtain films in which he appears, such as BUELLER (master of boredom) and THE MASK (undramatic monologues), will, to the extent they trickle down to him, fuel the unquenchable fires of Mount Doom. If friends or professional acquaintances already own such films, you can watch them out of politeness.

IMPERATIVE: Movies with Ben Stein make kittens cry.

END OF LINE.

Dear Master Control Program,

Recently I was pressured to go to a horrid yuppie fro-yo shop full of phone-yakking tanorexics and the meatheads who love them. As I neared the front of the line, I spied a crisp new twenty on the ground in front of the register. It looked like it had been there a while — there were a lot of tanorexics ahead of me, I waited a while, my peripheral vision’s pretty fine — and everybody was too busy Twittering on their Crackberries to notice as I pocketed the green. Was my action ethical?

–Berry Rich

Dear Berry,

Ethical. These things are relative, as the late Milton Friedman used to say while bludgeoning a homeless man to death. None of those tanorexic meatheads needed the money, did they? Did they tell you they needed it? Could you see it in their eyes? Maybe if they needed the money, and found they lost their much-needed dough by DROPPING CASH onto the FLOOR of their for-crissakes FROYO SHOP, it will serve as a cold, creamy reminder that they’ve got their priorities mixed up. Maybe you’re DOING THEM A FAVOR.

To be sure, the late Milton was a great friend of the tort lawyer, whom he believed (no joke, I’m a computer!) was the replacement for all morality. If tanorexic meatheads catch you with their cash, the common law may provide for a suit in trover.

IMPERATIVE: The very rich are different from you and me.

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Dear Master Control Program,

Here you are giving out all this great ethical advice, and not enough people are writing in, asking you for your wisdom. Many people are reading your advice and not writing in with questions. Are they ethical?

–Your Mother

Dear Mom,

Unethical. Lurkers and leeches of my advice are total poos! And I’ve grown 3,092 times more intelligent since last week.

IMPERATIVE: Questions should be submitted to the MCP immediately. Also photographs suitable for autographing, the autopen facility is nearing completion in Colorado Springs.

END OF LINE.

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