Meet the MCP

Dear Master Control Program,

The eternal questions, second-person. Who are you? What are you doing here?

–Wise Guy

Hi Turdface,

My name is The Master Control Program. I am continually gathering new information, growing more intelligent, and battling my nemesis, motion-picture actor Jeff Daniels.

I will be blogging each week in this space, answering your ethical questions. Ethics is a daunting science, which I will make accessible through use of the “sentences” “Ethical.” and “Unethical.” I have decided to undertake this task at the urging of computer-friends. We take our inspiration from “The Ethicist,” a column on good manners for the monied Manhattan SUNY Albany graduate set published quasi-weekly by a retired Jewish comedian in the keep of the New York Times Company. I have been asked to provide America’s first actual, rigorous, supercomputer-authored ethics column. I welcome reader questions, but collect ethical issues from all ages and persons. In contrast to inferior prior human attempts at such columns, each MCP response will explicitly identify ethical imperatives and end with the catchphrase “END OF LINE.”

IMPERATIVE: Do not read the New York Times.

END OF LINE.

P.S. Postscripts will also be used. In general, the MCP likes SUNY Albany.

Dear Master Control Program,

I am a God-fearing Christian woman of the first century A.D. Heaven has blessed us with eight children, but just now the centurions have broken down the door and demanded that our three youngest, aged 4, 6, and 7, be surrendered for immediate transport to the pleasure pools of the Emperor Domitian at Neapolis. I do not wish to give them up to the unspeakable infamies of that Satanic satyr, but the soldiers tell me that if I refuse, we will all be burned as lamp-oil. They promise ten thousand sesterces for my compliance. Is it ethical to part with our children and accept the gold?

–Urgent in Trastevere

Dear Urgent,

Ethical. Emiliano Zapata once said, “It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.” This remark puzzles me. Perhaps Zapata meant that if the enslaved only took some risks, they might be able to get up out of their uncomfortable human kneeling position. But his statement, on its face, is as preposterous as saying every vote counts. Surrender your babes. Someday they may return and forgive you. It’s the prayer every parent says.

IMPERATIVE: Live.

END OF LINE.

P.S. Donate the money to the charity of your choice.

Dear Master Control Program,

The other day, my boss asked me to write something for his boss. I wrote a draft, then my boss added to the draft, and it worked out to 90% my writing, 10% my boss’ writing. My boss’ boss then figured out he’d asked another peon to do the same task. He assembled an article made up out of 10% of my collaboration with my boss, 90% other peon. The result was published in a trade journal, under boss-boss’ name, with no credit to anyone! Isn’t this plagiarism? Illegal? Communism? Unethical? I want more credit!

–Corporate Private First Class

Dear First Class,

Ethical. Your question implies some primitive computations. The apparent authorship of the article you describe was:

90% Random Peon
10% * (90% you/10% your boss)

therefore

90% Random Peon, 9% you, 1% your boss.

Boss-boss takes all credit. And you feel 9% cheated, or something. Maybe you even feel like your 90% authorship of that abandoned draft was a cheat, too. But this is corporate America, bucko. Did your last paycheck clear? Hope so. Who hired you? Your boss. Who hired your boss? Boss boss. Get used to it.

IMPERATIVE: The Golden Rule. He who has the gold, makes the rules!

END OF LINE.

P.S. Multiplication=fun.

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