Advice From Gary Shteyngart

Dear Gary Shteyngart,

Help! I’m dating a Russian guy, and he wants to wear a bear suit when we’re in bed. I thought he was joking, but then he came home one night wearing a giant bear head and looking like a mascot from some football team. He said all Russian men are bears at heart. Is that true, Gary? I thought it was weird, but I was gonna do it until he said that he also wanted me to call him Commissar Beardick Jones. What do I do?

Sincerely,

looking4love

Dear looking4love,

Let me start with the question: Does he beat you after drinking or does he beat you before drinking? If he doesn’t beat you at all, then you’ve found a truly exceptional Russian man and you should stick with him, bear suit or no. As for the bear suit, it is a sign of low self-esteem. If you let his commissar range all over your body while screaming “Brest-Litovsk! Brest-Litovsk” you will slowly unlock the gentle non-ursine part of your Russian man and your future together will be as sweet and tangy as cabbage pie.

–GS

Photo by Carl Chapman