“Cat Gives Birth to Dog,” Says Russia Today

Russia Today – the world’s foremost English-language Russia-oriented cable news network – filed a report yesterday on a story with profound implications, shaking humanity’s understanding of science, and indeed life itself, to the very core.  For it seems that a cat in Georgia (the Asian one) has given birth to a puppy.  Biologically impossible, you say?  That’s what makes it so compelling!  Alright Russia Today, I’ll take your click bait – let’s do this.

Hmmmm, it looks like the most important science story in decades is only three paragraphs long – each densely packed with information, no doubt.  A cat gave birth to a puppy.  You can tell because the “pup has its mom’s ears and tail.”  The mama cat is nursing the wee pup.  That is cute!  But is it proof?  After all, the headline doesn’t say “Some Joker Claims Cat Gave Birth to Puppy.”  So there must be some sort of explanation here, let’s see…a-ha!  Some scientists think it might have something to do with radiation.  Problem solved, case closed, a dozen Nobel Prizes for this brilliant Georgian kitty.

Oh and look, they have some related animal stories that I might find interesting.  Well, I’m already here, so let’s have a looksy…sez a cat walked 70 kilometers to find his humans. Hey, I do actually like stories like that! And look, they photographed the cat from the very same angle preferred by Josef Stalin.  That cat looks so strong and masterful!  He has my vote, for General Secretary of Adorableness.

Also, here’s an update on that donkey that was forced to parasail for 30 minutes by some guys trying to promote their parasailing business, inspiring horror and revulsion in everyone unfortunate enough to witness their macabre donkey-snuff PR stunt.  As my friend Nick observed, “Why would they use a donkey for promotions?  Parasailing is a human sport.”  Truer words have never been chatted.  But don’t worry, everyone – Russia Today found the donkey and she is fine!  Of course, Russia Today also just told me that a 38-chromosome animal bore a 78-chromosome animal, because of “radiation,” so I’m not so sure.

A quick Google search reveals corroboration from ABC News that the donkey survived her brief stint in advertising.  Surely, if this poor donkey had suffered a gruesome demise, Disney-owned ABC News would tell it to me straight.  However, ABC notes that “the donkey’s mental state however remained unclear.”  So I guess I’ll continue to pray for the donkey, but only half as hard.

Alright, enough with the cats and donkeys – what else do you have to offer, Russia Today?  Well, I see that Russian Scientologists are being prosecuted for “humiliating human dignity.”  Dolls of vaguely attractive spy Anna Chapman are being sold in the good old US of A.  ”Fans of Anna Chapman can now play with her for just $30,” says the lede.  Classy!  And this week, Russia finally got around to making drunk driving illegal.  Can that be right?  The story is sort of unclear.  But watch the related video segment, if only to watch the seemingly traumatized British anchors banter dejectedly about drunk driving.  ”If you’ve ever taken a gypsy cab, you know that Russian drivers are completely hammered, 24/7.  Shit’s crazy here – I guess I should have studied harder at news reader school.”

The main point of this rambling post is:  I love Russia Today.  And if you like all things deeply and sincerely gonzo, then you’ll love Russia Today, too.